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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » What do I do next?

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Author Topic: What do I do next?
Member # 67789

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I'm 16 (female) and I think I'm bisexual. I'm not sure, because I've not had any experiences with girls only boys and even then not many. I rarely have feelings though for anyone though but I think I am bisexual because I am turned on by both lesbian and straight sex, also in the future I can see myself with either a man or a woman. I have also had thoughts about both genders. However, I don't want to define myself and am too scared to come out to anyone because I don't think people will react supportively and I am worried that people will think I am doing this for attention since I haven't done anything with girls or my female friends will act differently around me. I don't know what to do as I feel really alone and I don't know any other bisxual, lesbian or gay people, I am really confused about what I should do, but when I look inside myself I know that bisexual fits and now it's starting to get awkward when people ask me if I am straight because I can't lie and end up digging myself a whole as when I try and say I'm straight people see right through me. Please can anyone offer any advice on what should do next?
Posts: 4 | From: U | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jacob at Scarleteen
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Member # 66249

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Hey Greenmoon!

I think a lot of the time gay/straight/bisexual etc are names people choose for themselves to make life easier and describe, at a certain time, what they're into sexually... and just like there seems to be an expected pre-written life-story for growing up straight that many people need to deviate from to freely experience their sexuality, I think sometimes to be gay or bi can have it's own set stories, that we don't have to stick to either. I think it's better to just do what you feel good with... If bisexual doesn't feel like a useful word for you right now you don't need to use it! But there might be certain situations where it feels better than others, like if a friend is asking about your sexuality and you feel like to them bisexual best describes how you feel and you trust them with that... or if you're into someone and you don't want them thinking you wouldn't be attracted to them because of some assumptions about your sexuality.

I don't think "doing" stuff with people makes your sexuality either, it's about what you feel... it's something you already have! Whether you call it bisexual or not is up to you, but that can be a private thing, and if it feels really right to you there might be a point that you really will feel good telling your parents and friends that you identify as bisexual and it can be really nice... it sounds like you're starting to feel that just saying "straight" when people ask doesn't feel right... if you don't want to answer, like i didn't want to when people would ask me (and not the people who i'd want to open up to about my most intimate sexual worries), I used to just say something silly instead like insist that i'm "robosexual" or something

Your sexuality or sexual preference is totally your domain and what feels good to you, including what makes it easier to deal with family and friends while finding yourself, is really what this, as well as sexuality itself, is all about. I would definitely test the bisexual thing on some closer friends... and you could approach it in a less definite way, rather than "I'm definitely bi" you could actually talk about the fact that you're not sure... that's a totally ok place to be... I think a good friend would be better person than people just casually quizzing you.

I hope this helps [Smile]

Posts: 694 | From: Leeds UK | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29269

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Hey Greenmoon! Welcome to the boards. [Smile]

I want to echo something Jacob said: when people are asking you about your sexuality, it's perfectly valid to say "I don't know" (or for that matter, "it's none of your goddamn business" if the mood takes you [Razz] ). You don't need to have an individual word to hand. Too, if you're talking to a good friend and you're having a discussion, you could always explain it in long form like you have here.

I get feeling like you don't know any gay, lesbian or bisexual people. I definitely felt like that for a long time. So hi! I'm Joseph and I'm pansexual (technically outside of the words you used, but we're good). Feel free to consider me one of your queer friends. [Smile] To boot, I see you're also in England - if you're comfortable sharing your town or postcode, I can get you some info about groups of people like us in your area.

I get the feeling you're trying to figure out quite what the word "bisexual" means, too - correct me if I'm wrong. So I dug out some of our articles that you might find useful (and the writing is cute and humorous anyway, I still have fun reading through them).

The Bees and...the Bees: A Homosexuality and Bisexuality Primer
Bi the Dozen: A Bisexuality Quiz
Q is for Questioning

In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I dont know what I am. I dont know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 41657

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Hi greenmoon123, I'm bi and I live in the u.k. and I go to a youth group which has a "U" in it's acronym, for unsure, it's a shame a lot of people won't accept somebody just saying that, and for some people it may even be a lifelong thing, that feeling of undecidedness, or they invent a new word for how they want to define their orientation and/or gender identity. Anyway, good luck to you on deciding how you want to define yours, it is completely up to you.

Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

Posts: 840 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 67789

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Thank you all. I read through the links that have been posted and generally just researched around the whole issue and then today I decided to talk to my two of my closest friends. I told them that I was bisexual at the moment but that I wasn't completely sure that is the right word for it which I think is the most accurate description I could give. They didn't seem surprised which was good and they said that whatever I decided didn't bother them and they were always there for me which I think is what I needed to hear at the moment- and that they didn't hate me for lying to them.
I'm not planning on telling anybody else for a while, I need to see how this settles. I'm still undecided at the moment but this isn't bothering me as much and when I finish my exams in a few days I'll be able to work through things.
But I would just to thank you all for commenting back because this is what gave me the confidence/courage to tell anyone. I was genuinely surprised that complete strangers would be so supportive and made me think that my closest friends would be as well.

Posts: 4 | From: U | Registered: Jun 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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