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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » I wonder if I am what I really am.

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Author Topic: I wonder if I am what I really am.
Member # 64594

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So here's a quick summary of my life so far and where I come from. I was born in overseas and immigrated to US when I was about 9 years old. And been living in US ever since (I am just finishing college). My parents were (and still are) very conservative in regards to anything related to sex and sexuality and they're also Roman Catholic to boot.

One of the issues they tried to keep me in the dark from/make me regard it with hatred is homosexuality (and LGBT community). I discovered the existence of LGBT people in middle school, and I won't lie, I first regarded them as quite strange. However, I did not view them with the horror and loathing that my parents did. As long as same-sex couples loved and cared for each other, it was fine with me. And I often wondered why my parents and others judged and hated them so much.

Maybe it was because I am a person of color and a female --two groups that are often discriminated against in society today-- and thus felt a sort of connection and sympathy...but it has always bothered me when people picked on the LGBT community. I could not believe people could not accept and respect the differences. I was so offput by all the hurtful rumors and misconceptions that formed around LGBT individuals.

However, I have not really given much thought to my orientation. I wrote myself off as straight. I was attracted to and aroused by males and I've had a few boyfriends throughout middle school and high school.

My ponderings of my sexual identity really started when I went off to an out-of-state college. I hooked up and dated guys, but I wondered what it would be like to date women. Perhaps this was thanks to a more open and vibrant LGBT community on campus. There was a GSA at my high school, but I never personally befriended any LGBT individuals or knew any.

Eventually I came to the conclusion that if I ever got attracted to a woman and pursued a romantic relationship with her, I would be open to it and definitely give it a try. And if that never happens, that was fine with me too. I was just completely open to the possibilities and I was alright with it. That is when I realized this is probably what bisexuality is.

That conclusion was made 3 years ago. Afterwards, there were two women, one a transgender and another a lesbian, that expressed their attractions to me but I did not feel the same way so I never dated. But I have found myself aroused by women from media. I've even had fantasies involving my girl friends that I felt embarrassed and ashamed to share with anyone.

If it wasn't apparent from my narrative so far, very few people know that I am bi. I am just a really private person, and despite general acceptance of homosexuality on campus, I just never felt comfortable coming out in public. Plus, I am afraid that the news will reach my parents somehow. I can see it turning out pretty horri ble, especially when we have gotten into heated, nasty arguments several times on the topic where they specifically said "homosexuality and acceptance of homosexuality will be the downfall of modern society" and "we will not accept it if you ever introduce a girlfriend to us." And I've befriended a lesbian who was kicked out of the house when she came out to her parents at 16. Maybe someday later, when I am fully independent, I would come out of my parents and family.

Currently, I really like a male close friend of mine who admitted he feels the same. But we're just not at a position to pursue a relationship due to our circumstances. He knows that I identify as bisexual and he is alright with it.

So I guess what I really am trying to ask from all this is, have I labeled my sexual orientation correctly? Can one call oneself bisexual even if she has not experienced relationships with the both sexes, just attractions and arousal? Is that enough to call oneself bi? If I am not bi, what am I actually then?

I just sort of have this irrational fear that I am not really bisexual and that I have labelled myself wrongly and to my friends that know...and I feel so awful if that is the case. I never want to be someone fake or anything..

Well, thanks for reading. I'd really appreciate any inputs or advice. I hope I made some sense with my rambling.

[ 05-13-2011, 03:01 PM: Message edited by: NWAH318 ]

Posts: 2 | From: USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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There's no reason to worry about miss-labeling or miss-representing yourself. You are the person who knows yourself best, and you get to decide for yourself what you identify as.

You don't need to have kissed men and women to call yourself bisexual. After all, how many people are confident of their heterosexuality without having had any sexual experience yet?

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 64594

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Thank you. I knew it was sorta silly to ask but I just wanted some reassurance. [Smile]
Posts: 2 | From: USA | Registered: May 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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Member # 44338

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It's totally not silly to ask. I know where you're coming from on not wanting to "label yourself wrong", when I first started exploring my sexuality I had similar feelings, but as September said, you know you're self best, and what ever label you want to place on your self is "right".


I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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