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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » It's my sexuality! Go identify your own!

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Author Topic: It's my sexuality! Go identify your own!
Ste-Funnie
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Nobody tells me what the hell I am! Nobody! No one says that I'm going thru a phase, and how I feel doesn't make me gay! You ain't me! I'm me!!!

It may be normal to have a crush on a celebrity of the same sex, but 1. It's not just a crush 2. She's not the only one!!! There is more to it than that! That celeb I like (JM) doesn't even look like a celeb! She looks like one of those regular teen girls in my HS. Plus, I am SEXUALLY and EMOTIONALLY attracted to all girls, even a LOT of the girls who are NOT famous!

So who is to say I am not a lesbian? Would you call a person who is straight gay? Literally!

On the other hand, if I wasn't gay would I be crying that I don't have a girlfriend? Would I be interested in sleeping with a woman? Would I get excited when I fantasize girls and/or look at women in in strip in magazines? Would a straight girl do that?

I don't deserve this! If I say I'm a lez, I mean it! So Shut UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! [Mad] [Mad] [Mad]

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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September
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Ste-Funnie, Scarleteen is a safe space, and no one here is going to tell you or anyone else how they should identify. We respect everyone's identity, and we ask our users to do the same.

It's also not okay for you, or anyone, to do things like telling other users to shut up. That's not okay at all, so I'll ask you to please not do that again.

If you have a specific problem with someone who you feel is not respecting your identity, we'd be happy to talk to you about that. But rants like this, without a specific question, are not what Scarleteen is for.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Ste-Funnie
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Quote: "Ste-Funnie, Scarleteen is a safe space, and no one here is going to tell you or anyone else how they should identify. We respect everyone's identity, and we ask our users to do the same."

I wasn't talking about the users. No one here was violating my identity. It's the people I know in real life. Those are the people doing this. Not users on here.

Quote: "It's also not okay for you, or anyone, to do things like telling other users to shut up."

On the grounds that I was talking about people in real life saying this chiz to me, I wasn't telling anyone on Scarleteen to shut up. I was acting as if I was talking to those people in real life who were saying these things. I do that a lot. For example, when I have meltdowns, say when this girl in school jumped thru my throat, at home I would "yell at her" like she's in the room, but she's not.

Also I have a lot problems/questions. Let me post this first b4 I go on.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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September
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I understand that you were addressing someone in your own personal environment, but since you addressed it at the board in general, it ends up looking like you are accusing our users. And that is not conducive to Scarleteen as a safe space.

And that is why I asked who and what you were referring to specifically, so we can address the problem directly and find a way to help you out.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Ste-Funnie
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The problem is, it's hard to tell if my mom or whoever, literally does believe I'm a lez. My mom believing me and my school councilor believing me is most important than others. When I tried telling my mom that theres more to it than that, all she said was "okay". I don't take that for an answer. I just wanna know if she believes me or not. Thats all. "Okay" ain't enough. Either "I don't believe you" or "I believe you".

My councilor says freakish things. I don't wanna say what. But she says things to try to talk me out of something which I'm going to start a topic on now.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel 100% support by your mother. Have you tried telling her exactly what you've told us here, that you need her support and would like her to assure you that she respects and accepts your identity?

One thing to keep in mind is that sexual orientation can be pretty hard to accept. I'm not talking about people not wanting to accept it, but simply about the process of wrapping your brains around it. I am sure that you remember first coming to terms with your sexual orientation. Did you accept it and feel good about it immediately, or did it takes you a while to figure your feelings out and become okay with them? Your mother may be going through that same adjustment process: that doesn't mean she doesn't support you, it just means she needs a little time to get there. It sounds to me like your mother is a wonderful person who's always there for you, so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt here.


And we'd be happy to discuss your problems with your counselor in this thread right here, as well: since you already brought it up, there is no need to start another thread. Let's just keep this all in the same place.

[ 02-08-2011, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Ste-Funnie
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My mom is the most accepting mom. She has gay friends. It's an extremely long story about my self-acceptance. I can say that I had curiosity as a freshman, that a year later not only did I I go back in the closet, but I was overly closeted. I was so messed up that I thought no one would believe that I'm straight (I wasn't) so I did dumb things and got carried away. In other words, I was trying to hard. They might've believed me anyway considering what I'm going thru now. I just went overboard. Even to my mom I was closeted.

Finally when my mental problems went away and I got help, it's a long story. Now I am openly gay.

On the other hand, I wish I was asexual and didn't like anyone. I wish I wasn't even emotionally attracted to anyone. That I had not interest in intimacy with any gender. Just wanting friends.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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Hey Ste-Funnie! Can you clarify your above post? You say your mom is accepting, but above you said you felt unheard when she simply said "okay" when you were trying to be honest. That can sting. Is there any other incident in the realm of feeling like others don't validate your identity that you'd like to discuss?

I would also recommend not to say you wish you are asexual. Though I can understand your reasoning that it would be easier to be friends with people, I think maybe it would be better think about your situation from the standpoint that you just might not be ready yet for a sexual relationship. Some asexual people are romantic, others are not-- asexuality means a ton of different things for different folks. Asexual people are definitely capable of emotional relationships as well.

Taking out the "asexual" comment, you mention that you wish you weren't emotionally attracted to any gender. What makes you feel this way, Ste-Funnie? I empathize with the fact that it can be hard to have feelings for people in a sexual/emotional way. Do you think that giving yourself space from those kinds of relationships and only having friends right now might be helpful? What are you feeling in regards to that? Take care (for now).

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"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

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Ste-Funnie
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Bonnie, who are you to say I'm not ready for a sexual relationship? This is my sex life. You don't even know me! How do you know I'm not ready? So don't say that to me again, please.

Plus, I can wish whatever I wanna!

[ 02-09-2011, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: Ste-Funnie ]

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Heather
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Bonnie did not say that in her post, Ste-Funnie,

Instead, she asked a lot of questions and gave you some cues for some questions she thought might be helpful to ask yourself based on things you posted.

You suggested you wished you had no interest in intimacy with anyone, and so what she suggested was that maybe you consider that might be a cue about just not really being ready for that, which would be a more positive, kind-to-yourself way to think about those feelings and understand that you certainly have the option not to pursue anything you don't feel comfortable with or would want to wish away.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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This doesn't mean nothing like that. I ain't the only gay person who wishes she's not gay. Some lgbt's wish they were straight but I don't wanna be neither.

Wishing to be asexual don't mean I'm not ready. On the grounds that I can't just not date knowing I am interested. I'm not just interested, I crave it. Not that I think I'll die without it. I can't just surrender dating. Also on the grounds that I don't date if I can't have a sexual relationship. Not that I go to quick.

What Bonnie asked about if there's others who don't validate my identity, well, so many. One of my ex-friend said "If anyone asks you what your sexuality is, say that you're bi". I wish she said that on here! She had no right to tell me what to say.

Other people, I don't wanna talk about.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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CoatRack
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Ste-Funnie,

Heather and Bonnie.N.Clyde are not making definitive statements – that means that they aren't saying “you mean this.” They are saying, “What I hear you saying is that you wish you were asexual because you think it would be easier. One of the things that that can mean is that maybe you just aren't ready to be sexual with another person, and that's totally okay!” They aren't saying that that's the ONLY thing you could mean, but it's certainly one way to respond to your post.

We've asked you before to make sure you have a specific question in your post. Because you didn't have a question in this post Bonnie.N.Clyde took an educated guess at some of the stuff you might want to talk about, and then offered practical advice. If that wasn't quite what you were looking for then that is fine. However, if you did not want advice then a better place to post this kind of stuff might be on a blog or something like there.

If you are looking for a different kind of advice then make sure you ask for what you want. Saying something at the end of your post like “can anybody offer some advice about how to deal with people who doesn't trust you know your identity?” would be really useful, because then people would know exactly what you wanted advice about.

[ 02-09-2011, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: CoatRack ]

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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Hi Ste-Funnie. I do apologize that I misunderstood the meaning in your post. Whenever I have felt overwhelmed during relationships or while thinking about myself in relation to being with someone else, I have had to consider whether I am really ready to be intimate- emotionally or physically. That was why I spoke up- but I see I misinterpreted.

I think Heather and CoatRack both responded with what I also wanted to add, but I want to reiterate that having a clear question would be very useful. I can understand that you are feeling frustrated and you seem to get defensive when you feel cornered. Maybe that's an assumption. Because this is an internet forum, it is vital that there is a strong communication flow and that explanation occurs so that folks can understand each other when they've made mistakes or need to be corrected on something they've said. So please do not take the corrections or questions personally.

With the "asexual" comment that I made, I wanted to make it clear that folks who identify as asexual often report that they feel strongly about people and (more than) often have very deep, intense relationships. Since you said that is not what you meant, I feel like it's been clarified for me. I hope that from this post, you can see why I wrote what I did.

[ 02-09-2011, 09:41 PM: Message edited by: Bonnie.N.Clyde ]

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"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

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Ste-Funnie
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FYI, Bonnie, sometimes I say things different from what people can understand, I guess b/c of my autism. You're going to see a lot of symptoms of my autism on here. I take a lot of things personally and overreact to things.

What I was trying to say was that I wish I was the kind of person who wasn't interested in neither sex or dating. I know friends can hurt you too, but the fact is, I'd rather be hurt from friends than a relationship, on the grounds that relationships hurt me more than friendship. But the truth is, sexuality isn't a choice. I don't get to pick.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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Autism makes sense to me. I have several autistic friends and have worked with autistic teens. I just want to make it clear that no one is pointing these things out to intentionally hurt you or upset you.

See, I can understand a lot more where you're coming from in the way that you worded your last post. Do you have any questions on how to deal with these feelings?

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-
"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

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Ste-Funnie
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A lot of questions.

For one thing, I don't know if you saw one of these posts, but about people telling me how to identify, what Andy told me on one of my posts, is that when you make a mistake, you have to accept that you're wrong once in a while.

From what I told you about that girl (I'll call her Curly), how she said "if anyone asks what your sexuality is say that ur bi", well, a couple months later, I yelled at her and cursed her out for doing it. We got off contact for a couple of weeks and I went to the mental hospital. After that, I apologized to her and told her I was mad b/c of what she said. She didn't even say sorry too. She acted like she did the right thing and didn't accept that she was wrong. The fact is, I accepted that I was wrong for cursing at her.

Which is the other thing (Which is something I'd like September A.K.A. joey to know). About how I wanna talk to my councilor about this, well the reason why I'm too scared to do it myself is b/c I'm worried she might not accept that she's wrong. If I had my mom with me, she could help me out. Make sense?

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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Andy spoke the truth-- all of us have to accept that we'll be wrong sometimes. It's an opportunity to learn and grow.

Curly sounds like she may have very
narrow views on sexuality. You don't need her (or anyone else's) approval in your orientation.

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-
"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

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Kawani3792
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Hi Ste-Funnie!
I'm just another member on here, and I thought I might mention this.
It seems like sometimes you just need to vent. I went through a LOT of that in junior high and high school and found a site called "SheroesCentral". It has a board called Blowing Off Steam.
http://www.sheroescentral.com/dc/dcboard.php?az=show_topics&forum=35
From the main page of Blowing Off Steam, this is the description of that forum.
"Someone dropped litter next to the waste basket instead of in it. Your parents just said you'll visit relatives you don't like today. Your kid brother chews gum--no, not chew. POP. Into each life irritation must fall, and sometimes you have to scream before you burst a blood vessel. This is the place to do it. When life gets you batty, blow off steam for our sympathy and even amusement. This is not a forum for feuds or personal disputes, so don't post them here. This is a No Harm, No Foul Zone where you can say things you know are crazy, and NO ONE will say a word against it, because we get crazy here, too. "
Which means that nearly any board posted will get, if nothing else, virtual hugs from other Sheroes all over the state/country/world/universe. Sometimes advice. Every so often people post a "Letters" board, which fills with notes ranging from "Dear self, why did you forget breakfast this morning? Now it's four hours till lunch and you're hungry and I can't do anything to help you!" to "Dear mom, give me a little credit. I'm blankety-blank years old, you've taught me well, I can get around on my own without needing you to be a tour guide." and so forth. I know that always, when I need honest, sensible and knowledgeable advice about something important, I go here, but when I'm stressing over a doctor's appointment or people have been getting angry at me and I don't know why, and I just need to let it out, I go on Sheroes. It might help some.
The main site is "sheroescentral.com" , there's a link to the Sheroes forum from there, and if you find the "Lounge" forum there, it has Blowing Off Steam.


(I feel Sheroes is helpful and useful, and not in any way a link that shouldn't be posted here, but if any of the great people who keep this site going feel differently, please remove the links!)

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Ste-Funnie
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Hi, Kawani, I'm sorry but it's a little hard to make out what y'all are trying tell me. I need a little translation.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Ste-Funnie
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Also, Bonnie, what I just said before was that I accepted that I was wrong for yelling at Curly and cursing on her. Which is why I apologized to her. The problem is, even though I accepted that I did something wrong AND apologized, she didn't do the same for me. She should've said, "Oh, I'm sorry, Stef. I didn't know that hurt you so much." She just acts like she was right to do it.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Karybu
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Not everyone who makes a mistake is always going to accept that they have and apologize for it. It's unfortunate, but you won't always get an apology when you feel you deserve one. The best thing to do in those cases is just not engage with that person anymore.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Ste-Funnie
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It doesn't mean it's okay to do it. I don't even talk to her anymore. I try to avoid her. But it's not like I have to apologize to everyone for doing something and they don't. It's not like nobody is EVER going to apologize to me and accept that they're wrong. It's not like everyone can do/say the wrong thing to me and I can't.

Which is the other thing; I choose to treat people the way I wanna be treated, which is what I did when I apologized to her. I do the best I can to do that. For example, I don't want people yelling at me for my symptoms, well, I don't yell at other people with disabilities for their symptoms.

One thing Curly does have to learn and so do a lot of people I know, is what my aunt has said to me my whole life, "If you want people to accept you for who you are, you gotta accept others for who they are. And I accept everybody, even Curly. I learned it from my family. And I come from a good family.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Kawani3792
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Translation:

That link goes to an online message board, called Blowing Off Steam. The sole purpose of that board is that when someone needs to just yell at the world a little, they can post a topic there. The other users don't have as much expertise as the Scarleteen staff, so if you want advice, post here, but if you are just angry, post there.

I posted the link because it feels like some of your topics are sort of...well, blowing off steam, angry at people.

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