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Author Topic: i don't know how to deal with me
OWL Dan
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It is great that you went over and talked with your friend, especially about the party. Congratulations on taking another step towards a happier life! You really have a great friend! I had a feeling she wouldnít make a big deal of it; Iím glad she was able to make you laugh about it. It sounds like a great snowball fight; you were such a gentleman for allowing her to win. [Wink]

I didnít realize that when your dad tried talking with you that he was telling you to Ďbreak upí with her and for such poor reasons too. From what you have shared about her, I would definitely say that she was worth it and more. It is sad that your father has learned to be so closed minded. Out of curiosity, were his parents like that too? Traits like these are often learned from families.

Iím also happy to see that you are moving forward towards building a support group by taking Heather up on her offer! [Smile]

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Dan

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acallahan
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take your time! i must return to real life now, which includes folding laundry and studying for spanish.

i just found my friend's tank top in my laundry pile. i need more friends...

and it's just because i'm a really quiet person so when i see that i type a lot, i equate it to speaking a lot. which i don't do often. i mean, if you research my last name (that i sent in the email) you'll find that we share that "profound speech" quality. nothing else! we share NOTHING ELSE.

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acallahan
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to OWL DAN:

i need to hit Refresh on my email account, clearly.

my grandparents on my dad's side seem like nice enough people. granted, i've only met them a few times, the most recent being last year. nothing about homosexuality came up, so i don't know how they'd react to it. they seemed like rather old-fashioned people and currently live in Arkansas...that's the extent of our relationship.
i know no one on my mom's side of the family. i'd like to think she'd be better at this.

other than that, i have an uncle on my dad's side who is generally more open minded, but seems obsessed with talking to me about soccer and girls. we have limited conversations. actually, it's just the same conversation over and over...kinda like my dad! i'm noticing a pattern here.

he's really a good person, on the inside. he just fell apart after my mom died...we moved to the city and he just faded. somehow he managed to keep a job, feed me, and make sure i came out to be a descent person. that counts for something.

--
she's a great friend... i'm really lucky to know her. and she had her father paint me a william turner forgery that hangs proudly in my room. her family's great in general.

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OWL Dan
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Real Life, Real life, do we have to? Sorry, I just had to say it! How long until mid-terms are over? You found her tank top in your laundry pile, is she going to have you clean her room and do her dishes too? Some friend! [Razz]

I donít doubt that your dad is a good person; so is my dad despite his own problems. Your dad has been through a lot and has had a hard time. I think that he has been doing a great job with how you are turning out anyways. [Big Grin]

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Dan

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acallahan
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oh yes, i'm her darling little house wife [Wink]

...she did rearrange my bookcase once (by favorite color instead of author) and label everything in my room (very bright post-its...about 2,000 of them).

midterms are over tomorrow! for me, anyway. then I will build a snowman on her stoop and welcome her dad home from china. i then promised her other father to make ourselves scarce for a few hour because i'm sure they miss each other VERY MUCH and she's been dying to see "the mechanic" anyway.

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OWL Dan
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She tidied up your room and got all organized too; I guess you owe her big time (hint, hint) [Wink]

Good luck getting her to leave her returning dad willingly; although as much as she loves her dads she might go reluctantly.

Best of luck on your Spanish exam and get some sleep so youíll be at your best for it too.

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Dan

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acallahan
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must...conjugate...more...verbs. stupid subjective tense. my test is at noon anyway.

you clearly underestimate her crush on jason stathem. and her dad paid me $50 so i will get her out of there if i have to drag her by the pigtails (or buy her dinner...and probably shoes. i should've asked for more money.)

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OWL Dan
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See, having a really good friend pays! Although if it means dinner and, worse, shoes, I think her dads got off cheaply. By the way, if you do end up dragging her by the pig tails, remember to save the hair that pulls loose so her one dad can use it for a new paint brush.

Iíll be back tomorrow.

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Dan

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acallahan
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have no fear, if all else fails i'll persuade her with chocolate and humphrey bogart movies. some girls obsess over twilight-actors...7th grade she was set on marrying gregory peck.

got recommended for AP English, absolutely murdered my Spanish midterm, controlled (more or less) my tremors, and the guy i tutor (who called me queer) caught up to me and apologized for asking if i was on drugs!

good day [Big Grin]

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OWL Dan
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Great Day and Congratulations!!! It is well deserved! [Big Grin]

It is also great to hear that the one guy apologized to you!

I am beginning to think that your friend doesnít have a chance. Take the opportunity and have fun this weekend; you have earned it in many ways! [Wink]

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Dan

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acallahan
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yeah, the apology really caught me off guard. one second i'm talking to him about the use foreshadowing in his paper, the next he's assuring me that i don't look like the druggie "type"

he was sincere about it, though. that bit at the end was him covering up the "oh shit i just said something nice" feeling so foreign to the high school adolescent. the paper's due tuesday so he has to come over to my house to finish it up tomorrow, which means i have to clean my room. then it's off to the airport!

and dinner.

and the movies.

and shoe shopping (she's settled on a new pair of Converse because those are SO USEFUL in the snow).

it's been a long week so i'm going to bed now. big day tomorrow! (and a huge party whose invitation i respectfully declined)

slowly conquering my crisis!

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OWL Dan
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I am really glad to hear that his appology was sincere.

Enjoy your weekend and a good nights sleep!!

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Dan

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acallahan
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life has been crazy these past few days, but crazy is normal, and normal is good.

i'm not gonna lie, i'll still be looking over my shoulder during school and twirling pens uncontrollably (better than shaking in my opinion), but i'm generally more relaxed. things are still awkward with my dad and probably will be for a loooong time, but i'll deal with that later.

i still feel i bit filthy when i think about what i did at that party, which should put me off of partying and alcohol for while, but i think i was more freaked out about the consequences than the action. all things considered (impaired judgment, cramped quarters, general force) it actually wasn't THAT bad to kiss someone. granted, the kiss itself still ranks about a 2 out of 10. i deducted points for situation and memorability.

it was amazing to have people to talk-type to! it was a nice escape from reality into a world where people are so WILLING to help out a total stranger. it's refreshing.

i want to thank you guys for being here every night to deal with my issues as well as everyone else on this website. it's truly amazing when you think about it. it's like, if you don't know how to say it or have no one to say it to, there's scarleteen to post a reply within hours...multiple perspectives and people ready to help no matter who you are or what you've done.

ok, i'm going to stop now before i write an essay on how helpful you are... i think they stopped printing love letters in the 50s.

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OWL Dan
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I'm glad you had a good weekend. Youíre right, change takes time. Although, donít lose sight of how far you have come already! [Big Grin] Please try not to consider yourself as ďfilthyĒ. As I said before ďWhat it sounds like to me is that your inhibitions were lowered and you acted on your desire to interact with another guy but, for the same reason, it went further than you were ready for.Ē; so I do not see anything that happened as ďfilthyĒ!! I am happy to hear you say that you feel that it wasnít all that bad to kiss someone; even if it wasnít the way you had wanted it to be for the first time. Just think about how it might be when you are actually ready and choose to try it again. [Wink] I can understand and agree with you as to worrying about the consequences; thankfully nothing has happened and I have a feeling that nothing will if it hasnít already.

I feel that I can say this on behalf of all of us on the board when I say; Thank you for the kind words!

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Dan

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acallahan
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i stand corrected, apparently love letters appeared in newpapers as recently as 2008. that's nice.

i don't feel wrong for actually kissing the guy! i acquit myself of all fault in the matter. it was just that i was pretty much grabbed and pushed up against a wall and...well, kissed (with a shocking amount of conviction). i'm not awfuly romantic but that was not ideal.

i would've prefered to have some say in the matter. it would've started with "hi, what's your name?" and ended with "brush your teeth." and then the next day i had marks on my neck that were hard to cover and an inconvience.

forget 'ideal,' i'll settle for 'acceptable' next time.

thanks for being here legit EVERY night i wrote something OWL Dan! you're amazing

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OWL Dan
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I agree with you that it would have been better that way. Next time it can be or even better, who knows?

Thanks! No problem; I just wish that I had someone when I was a teen. That is why I decided to volunteer here. I wish I could stay on longer; but, once again itís late. Iíll be around tomorrow. Good Night.

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Dan

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OWL Dan
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Hey,

How are things?

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Dan

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acallahan
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got a 93 on my spanish midterm (it's my worst class and i'm amazed i didn't bomb the speaking we did earlier)!

my friend ended up making me watch Mulan as punishment for robbing her of time with her parents (and proceeded to sing the lyrics incorrectly to "be a man" for an hour and half.) and i was given a paperweight from the Louvre (i didn't understand either).

that's all the good news! (excluding that bit about disney)

the not-so-great stuff is mostly about my dad. we got into a huge fight and he said something awful to me and i stormed off. and now we're back to not talking. i really want to be mad at him, but instead i feel kind of...inadequate (closest word i could think of). it's exhausting trying to get along with him sometimes. i want to, i just have no clue how.

i also slipped on ice twice today. freezing rain makes icy sidewalks.

[ 02-02-2011, 11:12 PM: Message edited by: acallahan ]

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OWL Dan
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Congratulations on surviving your midterms and for doing so well!

Your friend certainly has a good sense of humor! [Big Grin] As to the gift, it sounds to me like sign that you are being accepted as part of the family. [Smile]

It is too bad about the fight with your dad. May I ask what the fight was about?

Now that your exams are over, maybe now might be a good time to start looking into finding a GLBT support group. They may also be able to give you ideas on how you might deal with your dad too. I am sure that there will be others who have or are dealing with similar situations. Can try to help also, but I have found that live, face-to-face, interaction helps the best on many levels.

Iíll be around again this evening. FYI, I will usually log off around 11 pm EST because of work and getting the kids off to school the next morning.

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Dan

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acallahan
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The fight was seriously about NOTHING. i have glasses and they got broken in a soccer-related fight (completely normal between our two teams). it's the fifth pair of glasses i've broken in two months and i'd just gotten back a crappy grade on my calculus cumulative exam (which somehow overshadowed my almost-perfect midterm) and he was telling me i don't take anything seriously. i am a very serious person. it was a stupid fight, but i played right into it so i'm somewhat to blame. it felt kinda nice to scream at something.

he tried to drag my friend into it, but it was more as "you're letting her take over your life" instead of "her parents are unnatural" so, small victory. then we just started arguing about EVERYTHING because we never talk about it when it happens and (longer story short) he ended up telling me that i'm lucky my mother is dead because she'd be ashamed of me. come on, that was below the belt and what ultimately made me walk away (followed by insults that i couldn't even stick up for myself).

he's not normally like that. it was just a mix of all the wrong things and we were both pissed off that day.

thank you for what you said about being accepted into my friend's family, it was really nice to read. i've been looking into some centers on my own, they're very colorful buildings. i'm also thinking about coming out to another one of my friends, who is a guy and although we're not as close, we are still friends.

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OWL Dan
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Please keep looking into and even try some of those centers. I have a feeling that you would truly benefit from some local support; you just need to let yourself give it a chance. If you feel that you can trust this friend, I think that it could be a good idea.

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Dan

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acallahan
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As far as the centers go, that's the plan. I'm treating them like college visits and freaking out slightly about it, but it's manageable. I'll probably make a plan for telling my other friend, but that can be handled later.

ahhh progress!

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September
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Just wanted to check in and say I'm glad to hear that you're looking into finding local support! I hope it goes well for you and you can make some new friends. My fingers are crossed for you. [Smile]

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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OWL Dan
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Just remember, unlike college visits, you can give these centers a "test drive" instead of just "window shopping". After all, that is one of the best ways to see if it is a good fit.

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Dan

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acallahan
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i want to thank everyone for your overwhelming support for all my issues! i don't know what i was expecting, but you went above and beyond anything i imagined.

thank you so much

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OWL Dan
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You are more than welcome!

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Dan

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Ste-Funnie
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Quote: "I can fantasize about guys in my math class, yet the physical act of being with one terrifies me."

I know how you feel. When I was straight that happened the same thing. Now I fantasize women (everywhere including math class) and I bet same thing will happen if I'm ever like that with women.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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acallahan
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So I thought I just give an update on how the past week or something went:
1. had an incredibly awkward discussion with my friendís father (the serious, business-like one who is like James Bond sans Aston Martin and accent)
2. came out to my male soccer teammate
3. went window shopping for LGBT support groups


Awkward Talk:
So her dad found out what happened at the party and wanted to talk to me. I try not to play favorites but I like him more, heís basically who I want to be in 20 years and I relate to him better. If I can skip all the awkward details, if I ever need a place to stay, Iím always welcome. I really love her family, but I find the prospect of getting kicked out of my house unappealing nonetheless.


Gym and Soccer
This was basically a test-run to see how the normal person at my school would react to me coming out. Except heís known me longer and weíll hang out occasionally. Heís generally a good guy.

We were hanging out in my house and he asked me what I was getting my friend for Valentineís Day (he assumed we were going out) and I said something like ďAbout that...thereís something Iíve been meaning to tell youĒ and then I told him.

And he said nothing.

For a while.

So I asked him to say something and the first thing out of his mouth, I quote, was ďwe share a locker room.Ē Then he asked if I was sure and proceeded to tell me that I couldnít be gay (poor boy was shell shocked) because Iíve had girlfriends (no I havenít, that was him) and then it was quiet again.

He politely excused himself and didnít speak to me until Friday.

We have gym together and heís on my team, weíre playing indoor soccer (which is a total joke because the gym is tiny). He refused to pass to me until I forcibly stole the ball and scored six times and our teacher had to pull me out to tell me to cool it. After class I went up to him and told him I was still the same person, nothing had changed, to which he responded ďyes, it did.Ē

The good news is he hasnít told anyone else.


Window Shopping for Support (sorry dan, I haven't test-driven anything yet):
has gone fairly well! Iím really nervous when I talk to the people and the color scheme of two particular buildings was abnormally awful. I went out yesterday/Saturday and took notes on a few of them, next week Iím taking the train to meet with someone to give me a brief tour. The people are all hospitable, some of them tried too hard to seem cool, but it was overall a good experience. Iím not quite sure which to choose, but Iím still looking.

Other News:
I havenít stopped shaking, itís gone down and Iíve cut my caffeine intake by a LOT, but itís still there.

Wow, long post. Short version: life continues.
Good night now.

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September
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Sounds like overall you had a good week! Kudos to you for coming out to your friend. That took a lot of courage, and it sounds like you handled it really well. It's too bad that his reaction wasn't all that great, but he may still come around. And I hope you don't let his negative reaction discourage you. It can be really hard to predict how someone reacts, and I'm sure you'll have tons of awesome, supportive coming-out experiences as well.

I wish you good luck with the continued hunt for a support group!

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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OWL Dan
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It is good to hear from you! I, too, am glad to hear that your week went well over all. Congratulations for gathering up the courage to come out to your friend!!! I agree with Joey, don't let his initial reaction discourage you and that there is still a chance that he may relax and come around. I remember when one of my good friends came out to me. I was taken back by it at first but that was more because of my insecurities; we are still friends years later. [Smile]

I hear you saying that you are a little taken back by the buildings youíve seen and that some of the people may be trying a little hard. Some things to keep in mind are that (like anywhere else) it is the people in the groups that matter, there will be many personality types, and that you will all have something very much in common Ė having had or having to come out and all that goes along with it.

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Dan

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acallahan
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hey dan, you're a doctor right?

i'm not overly worried, but this shaking thing has been going on for a while and i don't know how to get it to stop.

it's not exactly beyond my control, but i don't like having to focus on sitting still for it to actually happen.

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OWL Dan
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No, I am not a Dr. I had been a paramedic for many years and I'm on inactive status now. What kind of shaking are you having and how long has this been going on? Have you seen your Dr. about this?

[ 02-13-2011, 09:19 PM: Message edited by: OWL Dan ]

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Dan

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acallahan
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since monday of last week my hands have been shaking, sometimes it's not that bad, like caffeine tremors. but like last wednesday my hands were shaking so hard i couldn't write a ledgible sentence. i really cut back on the coffee/sports drinks/tea and it hasn't stopped or really changed at all.

i haven't seen a doctor and i don't take any medication. i thought it might just be stress, but recently it just comes and goes every few hours. like now i'm fine but 2 hours ago i had to stop sketching because i kept messing up lines.

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OWL Dan
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It could very well be stress with everything that has been going on. You should still get checked by your Dr since it has been going on for this long. Even if it is stress, it isn't healthy to continue to have this much stress. Your Dr. may be able to help you to find ways to help you to relax better. Don't forget you can request to be seen privately. This way you can fully tell your Dr what has been going on so they may have a better understanding of what you have been going through. Remember, they are required to maintain your privacy and they only have you best health in mind. I would recommend calling tomorrow and schedule an appointment for as soon as they have an opening. I am not trying to scare you, this is something important enough not to keep putting off.

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Dan

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OWL Dan
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Hey, I'm heading off to bed now, but I would like know how things go.

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Dan

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