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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Feeling that I never want to come out.

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Author Topic: Feeling that I never want to come out.
littlemoon
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I am in my early 20s so I feel that I am getting "too old" to be "in the closet." I have the feeling that I never want to come out. I don't know why I feel this way or if it is normal. I talked to a therapist about it once but that wasn't helpful and I don't want to talk about this in person to anyone anymore.
I have pretty much made a pact with myself that I won't come out. Sometimes I play stupid mind games with myself and tell myself that I'm not actually lesbian and that I'm making it all up.
I guess I'm looking for people that have had any of these thoughts/feelings.
Thanks.

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eryn_smiles
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I think it's a personal choice when/if you decide to come out [Smile] . There's no such thing as being too old or young. I've met people who came out when they were in middle school and also some women who came out when they were grandmothers or after they retired.

I'm in my mid 20's and out to a few people that I care about. I decided to do that because I felt quite isolated in my sexuality and by telling my friends, I did gain their support.

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Pumpkin_Pie
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Hey littlemoon,

First off - you're not too old to be in closet whatsoever, there are plenty of people your age and much older who have not even begun the process of coming out or expressing their sexuality. Your coming process, your sexuality etc are unique and to be cherished, but it's not by any means exceptional.

It's entirely your decision as to whether or not to come out, but I think it's useful to look at the reasons for not wanting to come out?

What are your fears around it? How does not being out affect your life at the moment? What difference do you think being out could make to your life, both positive and negative?


Is there anyone you can talk to at the moment in your life about how you're feeling, what you're going through etc?

Rebecca

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Smthng56
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What u said.. well, i felt/feel so much this way too. Im 24 and i never had a proper date in my life, not even talking about kissing etc... not even close. hehe. Well, im "in closet" (dont like this word), only my therapist knew about my orientation, but recently i came out to people in short psychotherapy group and that was it, i dont see these people anymore.
And i know what u talking about mind games.. there are still days and moments when im thinking that i've made it up or something. It feels better then before, but still quite hard.. im just trying to look forward for positive changes.
I dont think that im too old for coming out, but sometimes i think im too old for risks and experiments with relationships. Yeah, maybe its silly, i dont know)

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littlemoon
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Thanks everyone for the great responses...

Eryn: I'm glad you gained support by coming out to your friends! How did you know they were going to be receptive to you, or did you just guess? I am kind of a loner but I had several friends that I knew did not support gay/lesbian relationships. I broke off those friendships because I always lived in fear that they were going to find me out.

Rebecca: I think that I am not coming out, in part, for the simple reason that I can't imagine life being better after I "out" myself. Also, I am always tempted to date men and try to make it work. It never does, and they never like that I like women but in my mind I imagine for myself a relationship with a man that will put an end to my desires for women. I know that is crazy talk.

Smthng56: I am so relieved to hear someone else feels the same way about playing mind games with yourself. It is a big problem and makes the situation so much more confusing. And you are not being silly, I too feel that "experimenting" with relationships was something I should have done when I was younger. I think there is so much pressure to know who we are and what we want by the time we reach our 20s.

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Pumpkin_Pie
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I'm not going to call it crazy talk, but I do think that it's important you realise for yourself that dating men will not have any affect on your attraction to women. What it may have an affect on is your own happiness if you're forcing yourself to do something you don't want to because you believe it may impact on another part of your psyche.

Just wondering about the other questions I asked, about supports you have now, how you feel not being out is affecting you right now?

Rebecca [Smile]

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eryn_smiles
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Hi littlemoon,

I didn't know my friends would be receptive to me, I guess I just really hoped. It was bit scary because one of them is Catholic and many of my friends are of Asian and Middle Eastern descent, coming from conservative families. Each one of them has reacted supportively (eventually), I have to say. I haven't lost any friend over it and some of the friendships have gotten much closer. It's a shame you needed to break off those friendships. It is hard to tell how people will react, and sometimes it can surprise us. Some people may object to gay relationships in the abstract, but when it affects someone close to them, they may well feel differently.

I wouldn't say its unusual to be tempted to date men. Although I'm very attracted to women, I often feel tempted to marry a man (for all sorts of social reasons other than love and attraction). And my parents are certainly of the idea that a relationship with a man will put an end to my desires for women *sigh*. Anyway, I can relate a little [Smile] . Hope it all works out well for you, regardless of what you decide to do with your coming out.

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

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Smthng56
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I was thinking that these mind games are very typical for people who was/are confused with their sexuality and don't have enough experience in relationships sphere. You did sound like you are not very ok with your orientation, maybe I'm wrong though. I mean, can it possibly be the cause of your thoughts about not coming out?

[ 01-06-2011, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: Smthng56 ]

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