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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Lesbian? Or Bi?

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Author Topic: Lesbian? Or Bi?
MeerkatMasochist
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Okay, I know this topic has been posted a thousand times but I don't care. [Smile]
First I'll start off with some backround info...

I am a 15 year old girl and I am emotionally, mentaly, physically, attracted to women. I would love to have a relationship with one (I've never had one with a woman or with a guy for that matter, lol) I'm actually working on trying to get a girlfriend, but you don't need to know the details.
I love the breasts, shoulders, hands, legs, butts, pretty much everything of a woman. The vagina and everything down there isn't really aesthetically pleasing to me though. But it does turn me on, it's difficult to explain. I have had crushes on girls before, and currently.

Okay, enough about the girls, I'll start with the guys now.

When I was younger I would have crushes on guys, but I don't think it was a real crush, just an intense admiration I guess. I think guys can be sexy, and I can totally look at Brad Pitt or Brian Krause and say wow, he is hot. I get a feeling inside, but it is different than an attraction..hmm I don't know.. here is an example. Have you ever looked at a painting and have it just reach down into your heart and pull up those emotions, well thats the way it is with me and guys. I'll look at a guy and if he is really hot it will give me that "breathless" feeling, but not nessisarily the same attraction I have towards women.
Now a guy's penis is VERY aesthetically pleasing to me. But it doesn't turn me on. I've watched soft gay porn before, and just looked at and thought "Wow, this is so beautiful" but it doesn't turn me on what so ever.
I can imagine myself going out with a guy because it is so much more socialy acceptable within society and my own mind, but I cannot imagine myself with a girl even though it is what I want. As you can see I still havn't fully accepted myself for who I am, so maybe my insecurity with being gay has something to do with my perception on my sexual orientation..hmmm I don't know.

Okay, now that you know some backround info, do you think I am Bisexual, Lesbian, or something completely different? Thank you so much in advance for anyone who answers.

[ 10-26-2010, 09:46 PM: Message edited by: MeerkatMasochist ]

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Gotta Love Those Meerkats

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Heather
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With genitals, can I ask what your reference point for this is? In other words, have you ever seen/spent time with the vulva in person, and not your own? If not, then who knows how you feel about it, because an abstract set of genitals, or one's own, can be a very different thing than the genitals of someone you're really into and/or love.

What about with a penis?

Also, can you fill me in a little bit about your own gender identity and feelings of gender? because obviously, what our gender is and feels like can influence all of this. We can have intense feelings about a given gender not just because of being attracted to them as other people, but because of our own gender identity and self-image.

Lastly, a LOT of people express that they can envision having sex with someone same-sex, but not a love relationship or committed partnership, including people that WILL want and do that later. My general sense is that that has a lot more to do with how culture presents orientation, and, like you said, social acceptibility, than it often does with our own, authentic feelings, whatever our orientation. To kind of try and clue into that, do you have an easy time seeing OTHER people in long-term love/family relationships with people of a same or similar sex as much as with an opposite sex? Or is it just about what you can and can't see for yourself?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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OWL Dan
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Hi MeerkatMasochist,

From what I hear you saying, you are attracted, romantically/sexually, to pretty much everything there is about girls and there is just one thing that isn't visually pleasing, but it still turns you on. On the other hand you did not say that there was anything about guys that makes you feel the same way. Does this help you to sort things out better?

I heard you say that "vaginas" were not visually attractive to you, but penises are; it is normal to find some body parts very pleasing and others are not, no matter whose physical body, male or female, they are on. This attraction doesn’t have to match the body of the people you are attracted to either. Attraction visually, like attraction sexually/romantically, are in they eyes of the beholder and there isn’t any right or wrong.

As to whether you are Bi, Lesbian, Hetero, or “something completely different”, these are only labels and they can mean different things for each person. So, don’t be concerned about finding a label for yourself.

My advise to you is to be true to your heart and to yourself and you will know what is right for you! [Smile]

[ 10-26-2010, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: OWL Dan ]

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Dan

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MeerkatMasochist
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It's really late here so if I don't make any sense please tell me. [Smile] As for your question about gender, do you mean "How do I feel about myself?" To answer that question, I love being a girl and everything about it. When I was younger I do recall thinking what it would be like if I was a guy, but I've gotten past that.

And I know you're so right when it comes to not knowing anything about how I feel towards cirtain genitals untill I have been with someone that I care for in person. I shouldn't judge so soon.

I can be a bit of an idealist when it comes to my future. My dream is to have the perfect american dream, get married, have kids, etc. But being gay, in my mind, somehow prevents me from having that life. I guess it was just how I was raised, I came out to my mom twice, and she has herself covinced that I'm straight and just "havn't met the right guy yet" and she is also homophobic and SUPER Catholic. And she actually told me "If you're gay you should never have kids, because it will just ruin there lives!" I can't believe her sometimes... [Frown] Okay, I'm getting off track.

"do you have an easy time seeing OTHER people in long-term love/family relationships with people of a same or similar sex as much as with an opposite sex? Or is it just about what you can and can't see for yourself?"

I'd have to say it is what I can and can't see for myself. Others, are a complete different story.

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Gotta Love Those Meerkats

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MeerkatMasochist
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And OWL Dan I see what you are saying about labeling, but it makes me feel more secure if I can define who I am. And I probably should just be myself and stay true to my heart, because if all of that is there the rest will fall into place right? [Smile]

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Gotta Love Those Meerkats

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OWL Dan
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Being 15 you still have plenty of time to explore and discover yourself, and like many people, re-discover yourself! [Big Grin] As to labeling yourself, I am just saying find yourself and then see what ‘label’ fits with you; since that’s what you need. Being true to yourself helps with making choices that are best for you; the times I’ve made some of my biggest mistakes were when didn’t listen to ‘that little voice’ that was telling what I knew was right for me. [Embarrassed]
When you do find someone that you become involved with, you will discover that you will ‘see’ all of them in a whole new way. I want to add that even if you are sexually attracted to girls, it isn’t ‘wrong’ to still find penises attractive; what’s right for you is what is right!

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Dan

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Heather
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Meerkat: do you want me to follow up with the questions I asked you and the answers you gave me?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MeerkatMasochist
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"Meerkat: do you want me to follow up with the questions I asked you and the answers you gave me?"

Sure, I'd love that, whatever is good for you.

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Gotta Love Those Meerkats

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Heather
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Okay.

I think on the genital thing that if you've had no experience being with and seeing the genitals of someone in person who you're wantedly intimate with, that's jumping the gun, and considering how you feel about one body part in the abstract about people as a way to try and figure out your orientation probably isn't going to be helpful.

With what you envision per a serious relationship, it sounds like that's a place where you've not exactly been supported in seeing a wide range of what a family or a partner can look like to be able to try and envision what you want yet clearly, both because of how you were raised in your home, but also because of affixing to ideas like "the american dream" per relationship models, a model that doesn't resemble the reality of even a whole lot of heterosexual people.

No one has to have relationships with people to figure out our orientation, but it also does tend to help clarify things when we do have them in time, especially if we find our gut feelings are cloudy, either because we just can't get a sense of what we want or because it's hard to find them through the static of everyone else's messages.

I agree with Dan that it's sounding like -- however frustrating it can be -- you just don't have the kind of information about yourself yet to be able to decide what your orientation likely is yet. I understand wanting terms to describe who we are, though, so what it sounds like you are right now is questioning, which is one of the Q's in GLBTQ, and a totally valid way some folks find they identify when that's what they're doing.

This might help you out: Q is for Questioning.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MeerkatMasochist
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Thank you that article helped. I'd say I could identify myself as questioning. [Smile]

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Gotta Love Those Meerkats

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Heather
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Glad you were able to find something that fit you and satisfies your want to have a descriptive term of where you're at! [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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OWL Dan
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I am happy to hear too. Take your time and enjoy the exploration! [Big Grin]

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Dan

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