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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » back-peddling, big time...

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Author Topic: back-peddling, big time...
BriiBaer0194
Neophyte
Member # 47817

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I was on this site a while ago when I was having troubles with my identity. That's all cleared up now, and I have accepted myself for who I am (as cheesy as that sounds :]). And I had even planned on telling my parents everything! I had it all planned out. And then came this morning....
I woke up super early and I overheard my parents talking. I heard my ma say something about me, so I listened a little closer. She had been talking to my dad about how she'd suspected I was gay because of the way I act ( I love motorcycles, classic cars, and fishing. NOTHING is wrong with that). And to myself, I was thinking, man, this is the perfect moment to just go and tell my parents what's going on!
And then, I swear it sounded like she started crying! And I was NOT expecting that. Apparently this had been on her mind for quite some time because I asked her if I could get a cute short haircut, and she saw me watching something about motorcycles or whatever, and she didn't want to talk to me about it, but wanted to yell at my dad, because he allows me to like what I like, and he likes that stuff too. But she thought it was a "man's thing", and she'd prefer me to like dolls and dresses and high-heels.
I had gotten a little nervous, because I thought it was gonna escalate into some kind of major argument(they had been fighting the WHOLE summer&just got over it) and I didn't want that to happen again. Soo....I came out of my room, plopped down next to my mom, and lied to her face.
I told her I was straight, and that she had nothing to worry about. She was thrilled to hear it, and believed it, but I felt like crap [Frown] I LIED to my mom, which honestly, I never do. And the whole day, I've felt like crap.
I mean seriously, I feel like I had made all this great progress, and I just pushed myself like, 10 steps back in the wrong direction! This really ruined what I had hoped would happen, and now I don't know what to do.
I really don't want her to blame my dad for the way I am, because that had nothing to do with it! I mean, it's not like I wanna be a guy or anything. I'm just not a super girly-girl! And I really don't know how I'm going to go from "mom, I'm straight", to "mom, I like girls too".
I could really use some advice please? [Frown]

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Aw, Bri. [Frown] This is one of those times when I wish we could click a button that sent a big hug.

Do you want to come back and be honest? I think you can, and would be happy to give you some options on how to start and have that conversation.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BriiBaer0194
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Member # 47817

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I really would. I just don't know how! [Frown]
What do you think I should do?

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, it seems to me that you said what you did out of a reaction to what you overheard your mother saying. Obviously, that's not surprising: that would be very hard to hear, both in terms of caring about your parent and feeling the impact of what you heard in terms of who you are vs. who someone wants you to be.

At the same time, my guess is that your mother probably did not intend you to hear that conversation. I don't know her, but she may have just been working out some of her own feelings with your father in the way people close to each other do, without a lot of filters. As well, a lot of the times people voice things like she did, it has more to do with their own gender identity than with someone else's.

I don't know anything about your family dynamics outside of this post. I know you said you've been here before, but since this is obviously a new handle, I don't know what your old one was or what, if anything, you explained about your family in it.

But if you feel like you have a generally loving, caring family, it seems to me that you can be honest about what you overheard and about how that made you feel. You can express that you feel very torn between being true to who you are and making your mother happy, which seemed to you, in reaction to what you heard, was about being someone you aren't.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BriiBaer0194
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Member # 47817

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Well, I had another account, but I sorta lost my password, so I just made a new one. And as for my family, I do feel that they're caring and want the best for me. They've changed much since the first time I posted.

And she probably didn't want me to hear it. But it did upset me to hear her blaming, and arguing with him. I really hate it when they fight.

I feel bad that I lied though. I wish I could take it back.

And thank you for the advice. I definitely needed it [Smile] I will try this, and hope it works out for the better

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd say it's likely your mother will understand why you lied. No doubt, she won't feel good about it, because she may recognize what she said would have been so hurtful for you to hear, but that will likely be part of why she'll understand.

Sometimes, things that go down like this can actually be big "Aha!" moments for people. It may be that when you're able to be honest and explain why you were not, your Mom may get how hard her gender ideas/standards/ideals are on you in a way she didn't before.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BriiBaer0194
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I really hope so. I don't want her to be too upset with me. [Frown]

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think something to bear in mind is that ideally -- not that it always works this way, but still -- parents are supposed to unconditionally love us for who we are, not who they want us to be or who they are.

Mind, it's challenging for anyone to unconditionally love anyone, including parents, so some of that is often a learning process and a challenge. But in a loving family, it's a challenge parents take on and can acknowledge as THEIR challenge, and growth THEY need to do, rather than a way their children should or do have to change. Know what I mean?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BriiBaer0194
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yeah, I get what you mean [Smile] And thank you for talking to me. It helped a lot [Smile]

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Glad to do what I can. hang in there, and please know that whatever the outcome, this isn't about something being wrong with who you are, okay? It's about the fact that some people -- even good people who love us -- have a hard time with anything outside very binary ideas about gender, or a hard time with their own gender identity that can make the identities of others feel overwhelming or confusing.

I likely don't have to tell you that parents are people, which means that they have their failings or missteps just like the rest of us do. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BriiBaer0194
Neophyte
Member # 47817

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I know. I've realized that I am who I am, and I can't change it. And that not everyone is as supportive as they should be. But man, do I wish they were! It'd make things so much easier.

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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If it's any consolation, I went through a lot of this exact kind of thing with some of my family growing up and my gender, and while it took a long time, over the years, it's not only become a non-issue, the more my uncomfortable parent has clearly gotten with her own identity, the more similar she's become to ME in a lot of the way she presents her gender. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BriiBaer0194
Neophyte
Member # 47817

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In that case, I hope it turns out for me the way it did for you. And again, thank you so much for talking and listening to me [Smile]

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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I hope so, too! (I also hope it happens a lot faster in your family than it did in mine.)

Happy to be here and help, and feel free to give a shout if you need more support as you go.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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