posted
Hello, let me preface this by saying that I'm new to the forum but not to the Scarleteen site. I know that it is important to be protected and healthy when having sex. Also, in case you're wondering: Yes, I am seeing a therapist.
Okay. On to my quandaries. For years, I thought I was exclusively a lesbian. I even had a relationship and lost my (partnered-sex) virginity with a female-bodied lesbian. I thought I wouldn't ever have to worry about birth control because there was obviously no sperm involved.
However, I was shaken up (to say the least) when I discovered that I'm in love with my cisgender male best friend. In recent months, we've developed a romantic relationship with each other and, despite engaging in manual sex a handful (pun!) of times, have had p-i-v intercourse only once. This was a huge leap for me. We relied on a male condom for protection. He didn't ejaculate until maybe twenty minutes after pulling out, so our bases were covered there. Still, I'm incredibly terrified about falling pregnant in the future because we don't have a secondary form of birth control. I know that I'd seek an abortion in that case, but preventing it from happening in the first place is my priority. I don't want to have p-i-v again until my anxiety about pregnancy is lessened.
All of this is swimming through my mind in private, and since I'm a minor, I rely on my parents to pay for medical care through their insurance. I'd like to see a gynecologist to get tested for STIs, get a pelvic exam and be put on birth control, but I would probably have to tell my mom why I want all this done. She scheduled a gyno appointment for November because of my age and recurring yeast infections. Yet, she doesn't know that I was previously sexually involved with a female, which would have meant I needed STI testing and a pelvic exam anyway. She also accepts me as, and tells people I am, a lesbian.
So, I'm grappling with many things here:
While I identify as queer and that theoretically grants more freedom than the labels gay or straight do, I never thought I would actually have sex with a cismale and I never want to be IDed as heterosexual. I need help becoming okay with what feels like an identity shift for me.
Also, I'm looking for communication advice. To feel safe, I want a secondary form of birth control, and since the hormones in bc would interfere with my life and possibly make it more difficult for my psychiatrist to start me on Prozac (I have depression and anxiety), my mother should know about the chemicals going into my body and why they should be there in the first place. This may be irrational, but I'm afraid of her getting mad at me for, well, simply exploring my sexuality.
Anyway, congratulations for reading all of that, and thank you in advance for helping me!
posted
Hey For Science: I'm going to try to hit on all the points in this but if I miss over something please let me know and I'll touch on that too. First I want to talk a little bit about sexuality. That’s something that so many people experience these same shifts with, and they’re never easy to just look at and know how to handle or what to think. You’re definitely not alone there.
Something to know, how you identify is your choice and yours alone. It’s going to be based on how you feel and what you’re comfortable with. Certainly you can continue to identify as queer, you could identify as bisexual, etc. But ultimately it’s about how you’re feeling and where you feel you fit best. And as you talk to people should your personal label change, you can explain just as you did here with finding you had feelings for someone that maybe you hadn’t really had or considered before.
When you go into your appointment, your mother does not have to go back into the office with you, that’s your decision. Also, despite your being on their insurance, the doctor IS NOT allowed to discuss anything with your mom unless you give him permission to. You are the patient, not her. The STI test should be covered as well as the exam, and you do not have to tell her anything about it if you don’t want to. If you do say something, you can just say because of the problems w/ yeast infections the doctor was running routine tests. And while it’s less common, you can get an STI before you’ve had partnered sex. Just make sure to tell the doctor you want a full test run.
As well, in terms of the bc, there’s TONS of reasons for being put on hormonal BC. It helps with acne, regulating cycles, etc. The depression and anxiety are something you want to bring up with your gyn, so they can help walk you through some information and help you find something that will work for you that can work well with condoms as well. And your doctor’s can work together on that should you need on something else. That too is something that’s your decision what and how much to explain to your mother, and again the doctor is not allowed to.
If you do want to talk with your mother about this, you can find a nice quiet time when you won’t be disturbed, and explain to her it’s something that’s difficult for you to say but you want her to know so she can help you make the most informed decisions as well. Sometimes parent’s have some trouble dealing with this, but in time they often do come to respect that you’re A) wanting to be safe and careful and B) felt you could talk with them about it. That’s going to be based on what you know of your mom and if you think she’ll handle it well.
-------------------- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon Posts: 3365 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Stephanie, thank you so much for all of that! You're really easing my mind.
I think I'm still going to identify as queer. I'm more attracted to females than males, and I feel like the term bisexual excludes transpeople and gender variants, who I also find attractive. (I don't apply "pansexual" to myself, though. I understand if you're confused because I am, too!) Re: telling people: I've always confused people, so "queer" is/has been the easiest to use when explaining myself. My biggest problem is admitting to friends and acquaintances that I am in a relationship with my current partner because... teens gossip! They've been waiting to be right about us for months. It may sound petty, but the main reason for not being so open is that I don't want them to feel like they've won. So, help on that too, please?
I will definitely ask for all the tests I want done, and I'm glad to hear that I have more freedom than I previously thought. While, I understand that I have the right to medical privacy, every time I've gone to my general doctor, my mom has come in the office with me, explaining that that's the law because he's a male and I'm an underage female. I feel like this is complete bull, BUT she might try to intrude when I go to the gyno, even though that doctor will be female. I don't want her intruding, yet I'm not sure how to tell her. She has anger issues, so also telling her I'm sexually active is out of the question for now. In addition to reacting badly, she'd probably stop letting me sleep over my partner's house, even though he's also my best friend and we function as friends most of the time.
Now, what about Planned Parenthood? I want to be protected ASAP, so waiting until November seems foolish at best; dangerous at worst. Could I have another one of my friends drive me there to be tested and possibly get birth control? Is that legal for a 17 year old?
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I’m glad you’re more comfortable now, and identifying as queer is perfectly fine . As for your friends, that comes with knowing how to handle the people that you associate with. For instance, my friends are very open and accepting. I can throw pretty much anything to them and know I will still have their support and respect. If your friends aren’t so supportive, then that’s something you can definitely talk with your partner about and decide whether you even want them to know yet. You can also explain to them that A) you’d appreciate them being supportive and B) if they react badly that you don’t appreciate their “I told you so” manner. And they’ve neither won nor lost anything, because it was never some competition to begin with.
As for the doctors – (please don’t take this wrong, I’m not trying to call her a liar) but no that is not truthful. When you were younger it’s understandable to have her go with you. You’re a young adult now, and know what’s right and wrong with doctors well enough to know if something inappropriate happens or if you’re uncomfortable for some reason. Many times gyn’s will ask to speak with you alone as well if a parent goes in with you to be sure they have all information and accurate information. It is your right as a patient to be able to see the doctor alone, and you can simply tell your mother that you would feel more comfortable knowing what’s going to happen and the level of exposure that you be there alone.
Yes, you can certainly have a friend take you to planned parenthood, and they often offer sliding scale fees. You may still need to pay something for bc, depending on the center. They can also do STI testing there while they’re at it if you’d rather have it done there. Know though, if you use your parent’s insurance it will show up on their statements, so she will know you went. I’d call and talk with someone at your closest center first. If you’re not sure where one is, just go to the Planned Parenthood Website and you can look it up with their zip code locator.
-------------------- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon Posts: 3365 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008
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. As for your friends, that comes with knowing how to handle the people that you associate with. For instance, my friends are very open and accepting. I can throw pretty much anything to them and know I will still have their support and respect. If your friends aren’t so supportive, then that’s something you can definitely talk with your partner about and decide whether you even want them to know yet. You can also explain to them that A) you’d appreciate them being supportive and B) if they react badly that you don’t appreciate their “I told you so” manner. And they’ve neither won nor lost anything, because it was never some competition to begin with.
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