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Author Topic: Q is forrrrrrr....
KristyKay
Neophyte
Member # 42987

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So, like many people on here, I guess you could say I'm questioning. (Sorry if this post ends up being extremely inarticulate, I'm sort of just pouring out jumbled thoughts.)

Here's the thing: I honestly don't know how to describe my sexuality. I've been attracted to both genders since I was about 10, 11 years old. It used to be pretty much 50/50, but...

A lot of things have happened since I was 10. I never told anyone about being bisexual, and had the occasional boyfriend.
Then... I was...I don't really know how to word it..."molested" at 15 by a "friend". After that, I pretty much lost any desire to be physical with a guy. I mean, I'm still attracted to a few, but would never pursue a relationship with one. Just...even with a purely emotional relationship, it's pretty much impossible for me to trust a guy.

I dunno. Now it's gotten to the point where I pretty much live two lives: the church-involved, family-involved, shy girl, and the sassy science-geek lesbian. It honestly feels like I'm both simultaneously, and I'm not really sure how to mix the two. It's like at church, they're pretty conservative and judgmental about gays, but they're still people I've known my whole life, and a large part of my life. Except for my youth leader, who is awesome and very supportive of God's Love and LGBT rights. My family doesn't know, but they're pretty liberal-minded about most stuff...except..my mom had 3 sons and me. And it always bothers her whenever I'm not superdupergirly, because it seems like she wants me to be the epitome of feminine because I'm her only daughter. Most of my friends are pretty accepting, and many have asked me if I'm gay, and I've started explaining it to some of them, especially the ones that know about what happened when I was 15.

Oh, and I've started talking to my gay science teacher for advice and such. Don't worry, it's nothing inappropriate, I was just kind of looking for a role model, or at least someone in a smilar boat who is a little older and wiser.

So...yeah. Dunno. Advice, support, answers would be amazing. [Smile]
I just wanna know how to figure this all out, and be able to be open and comfortable with this. It's kind of overwhelming.

Thanks ahead, much love <3.

Posts: 6 | From: My super comfy chair. | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
astrocyte
Activist
Member # 29128

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Hey, Strawberry143,
I might be in a vaguely similiarly-shaped boat to you when it comes to working out how parts of my life fit together - I'm queer and I've decided to come out to my parents soon. Also, in order to live comfortably in my flat, I really need to start being more queer-in-your-face with my flatmates when they say homophobic things. So, I might not have answers but I would like to offer support'n'stuff.

I really dislike the feeling of having vastly different selves for different situations. I like to think that it's not automatically a bad thing, though? One of those selves can be keeping you safe, or expressing some different aspects of your personality. (Or doing something *helpful*, like, in my case, projecting a professional image when I have to work.) But in your case, it sounds like you want to be able to integrate the two lives you describe. Are you/do you want to be out to your cool-sounding youth leader? Because maybe that could be a step towards greater openness.

With your mother, I wonder if for a start you could just try talking to her about her expectations of your...femininity?(I have so many problems spelling that word). To me at least, being lesbian or questioning or bisexual doesn't really play a role in how superdupergirly someone is. Also, if your mother knew that you were picking up on this kind of sentiment from her, it's possible she'd rethink the way she acts, because she might not be intending to put pressure on you .

I'm so sorry to hear that your "friend" molested you. That sounds like a horrible and hurtful experience. I don't know anything about the interaction of something like that with what kind of people you subsequently feel attracted to, other people here will know more or at least have relevant experiences. But I do know that however you feel with your orientation now- more questioning or a lot less attracted to guys or whatever - is valid, regardless of any underlying reasons.

It's awesome that you have a teacher that you can talk to, and sounds like some of your friends are supportive too. I hope things get clearer and less overwhelming for you [Smile]

Posts: 79 | From: the southern hemisphere | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KristyKay
Neophyte
Member # 42987

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Thanks [Smile]
I'm sorry about your flatmates :/. Have you said anything to them about their comments before?
Yeah, I see what you mean. And it does make it easier when I'm at, say, school, since people tend to take queers less seriously for some reason, and I prefer to project a serious image in class.
I'm not out to the youth leader yet, I'm going to wait a bit, until I'm talking to him one-on-one.

I've made hints at her, but I don't think she seems to get them. I'm going to try sitting her down and talking to her about it.

Thanks. Hahah, I'm not really sure what else to say. [Smile]

Yeah, he's awesome. He also teaches an AP class, (college class you can take in highschool) which I'm taking this coming up year since he's seriously a great teacher too. He's gotten me a lot more involved in my studies as well. [Smile]
Most friends are supportive. There are a few that aren't, but hopefully they'll get over it eventually. If not, it's okay too. [Smile]

Posts: 6 | From: My super comfy chair. | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mrudolph52
Neophyte
Member # 50004

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I understand what you are going through. I have been "questioning" my sexuality for a long time, though I used to try to bury any same-sex thoughts that I had because I didn't want to confront the prospect of possibly being bi or a lesbian. Recently though, I have realized that I am definitely interested in girls and should explore these feelings, but I don't know how to confront my parents about it. My parents are very open, but I always worry that I will disappoint them somehow if I come out as being bisexual, bicurious, or a lesbian. I also struggle because my housemates that I am living with are pretty homophobic and constantly say disrespectful remarks about people in the lgbtq community. It is very hurtful and is a very confusing time. I guess I was just writing this to let you know that I kind of understand what you are going through and hope that you sort everything out. [Smile] I'm also so sorry about what happened to you when you were 15. That is so horrible.
Posts: 17 | From: Davis | Registered: Nov 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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