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Hater
Neophyte
Member # 45894

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I'm bisexual, and I'm in a relationship with another girl now. We really love each other, and I think we're going to take it a little farther than kissing soon.... But every time I think about having sex with someone of your own gender, I feel like it isn't REALLY having sex. Like, it's a sort of faux-sex thing. Is this normal? How can I think of it as real? I mean I know that any kind of sex with anyone is real sex, but just the thought of it feels fake. Will the actual experience be different?

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"Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter."
~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzche

Posts: 29 | From: Maryland | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kalex
Activist
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I'm in a relationship with a male, and have never actually had PIV sex, so my point of view may be a little different from yours. Still, I think I can understand where you're coming from.
Our culture seems to put a lot of emphasis on penis-in-vagina as the only 'REAL' sex, with everything else referred to dismissively as 'foreplay'. Also, the concept of losing your virginity is usually tied to opposite gender intercourse too. Do you think that part of your trouble is that you've internalized that view? I like to remember that they're called oral SEX and manual SEX for a reason. There's a whole lot of different, fun ways to be sexual with a partner. If it's sex for you, then I don't think anyone can contradict you.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I have some pieces here that might help you out.

For starters, this quote is from here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/whats_sex

quote:
When we say "sex," what we mean is any number of different things people freely choose to do to tangibly and actively express or enact their sexuality and their sexual feelings.
Then there's this: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/how_can_women_who_sleep_with_women_know_when_they_have_lost_their_virginity

I don't know what your sexual history has been like, and what kinds of sex it has included. But what I can tell you as someone who has had about as wide a range of experiences and partnerships as it gets is that in actuality, what makes any kind of sex feel/be "real" isn't about if it's X activity or Y activity or with this kind of person or that one. As well, there is male/female vaginal intercourse that doesn't feel like sex or like much of anything sexual at all, and there is same-gender makeout sessions that very much DO. It's really not about what is physically happening, it's about the whole sphere of things that go on between people when we are mutually and wantedly enacting our sexual desires.

Are the people involved real? Are their sexualities and desires real? Is everyone involved acting out of a place of those desires and feelings? If so, then it's real, no matter what's going on or what tab is or is not in what slot. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hater
Neophyte
Member # 45894

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Thank you for clarifying that for me. It really helped and I the articles really helped too. Thank you [Smile]

--------------------
"Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter."
~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzche

Posts: 29 | From: Maryland | Registered: Feb 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You're so welcome! [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67933 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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