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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » PLEASE HELP!! In desperate need of answers

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Author Topic: PLEASE HELP!! In desperate need of answers
Member # 46555

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I am a straight girl. Ever since I was little, I had THE biggest crushes on boys, still do, and whenever I have gotten into sexual situations with the right guys for me, I get very into it, very turned on. I have in been in many emotionally attached and fulfilling relationships.

Heres the thing; when i hit puberty, I discovered masturbation and whenever I saw something with heterosexual sex I was fascinated and turned on. But then I started to see images on girl on girl action or visualize breasts as well when masturbating. I never even really thought much of it, I saw it as just a fantasy.

I have never had a crush on a girl before, and never been attracted to any woman that I've known and never in my life have I seen a woman walking down the street and thought shes hot. Just never. I also do not visualize myself having sex with a girl. Thinking about it makes my stomach churn- very uncomfortable.

I dont know what it is, but lately hearing about all of these people coming out as bisexual- something sparked the thought in me- Am i gay??

It is becoming a serious worry for me- I cant stop thinking about it and I find myself being fearful. I often just go through my day looking at a girl thinking "do I have a crush on her? or her? or her? cause if i do, im gay/bi/whatever" and this sparks the nervous feeling in my tummy- not the crush kind, like the kind you get before you do public speaking. Yesterday I had a very meaningful talk with my mother about it- She said to me that Sexual identity is something that is in you from the time your born- and if i was a lesbian, I would not be as feminine as I am- which trust me, I am. Shes telling me I am much too paranoid because orientation cant change from one extreme to the next. I acknowledge that there are "femme" lesbians but I am much above that femininity level- always have been. She also pointed out that many people who are in adolescence have these thoughts, and think that they are gay- but its because they dont have much sexual experience. She said to me that how you were origionally made from the time your gender was determined while in the womb- will come out once you fall in love with the right person and enter a HEALTHY sexual relationship- one filled with love and understanding- because things like TV or pornography and stuff that is MEANT to sell sex to us can often send teens mixed messages and make us think we want things that we dont know we actually want. She also pointed out that young people going through puberty can get aroused by pretty much ANYTHING, and fantasy is very far from reality.

I find alot of truth in what my mother has said- I mean, based on the percentage of homosexual people compared to hetersexual people, it is much smaller. And im sure that many people on here that question their sexuality based on fantasies will go on to be straight as was embedded from a young age.

Here is some background information that may or may not help you to help me:
From so young I have longed to fall in love with the man of my dreams. I have dreamed about my wedding forever- whenever im sick, or sad, all i do is picture myself one day being with my soul mate and feeling whole. Im 17- at a crossroads in my life, because univerity aplications for me go out in about 5 months. I am being forced to figure out my future- and i do have it all figured out in terms of my life plans. Now that i have that figured out, I have started to think of all of the things that could possibly ruin my dreams. I think some of my same-sex paranoia is rooted from this- as my thought pattern is often "What if I turn into a lesbian? Then I can not have the life I always dreamed of."

I know that alot of truely homosexual people knew they were different from very young- lesbians playing with boy stuff and not having much interest in girly activities, but that was never me, and even through my fantasies as i came into puberty, i never felt different. I never even questioned myself- for at the same time, I would have deep feelings for a boy. Ive never longed for a girl the way I have deeply longed for a boy.

My sexual feelings about breasts/girl on girl are nothing like what i feel sexually around boys- and its not like I went through a phase where I only ever felt sexual towards women. The feelings I get sexually around boys in terms of arousal are EXTREMELY intense. An all-over body and mind experience- shortens my breath, makes my stomach flutter, eyes close, blah blah blah. With my puberty fantasies there was no personality to what i was feeling, if that makes sense. It was a completetely emotionless feeling in my genitals and absolutely nothing else.

I would also like to include that these fantasies have gone away. I think i grew out of them or something, as I hear its common for this to happen during puberty. I do not get turned on by it at all anymore- like i said the though of being with a women sexually makes me feel very odd. I now completely- and often- get off to my thoughts of sex with boys, and it is very fulfilling, almost reassurring to me.

I know this is so long, but I guess what it all comes down to is this:
I am very fearful that this is some indicator that I will one day stop being straight and turn gay? Have I grown out of this? I am very scared that this means I'll be gay/bi and wont marry the man of my dreams. Is it possible for your predetermined sexual orientation to one day just flip, if you've had intense emotional/sexual attractions to the opposite sex ever since you can remember, and never once considered being attracted the same sex??

Im soo sorry for this being long, but I dont know where else to turn.

[ 04-06-2010, 09:28 PM: Message edited by: xokrcbb ]

Posts: 3 | From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 46095

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I'm not the most experienced in orientation issues, but it really doesn't sound like you are homosexual at all.

However, I would like to add that sexuality is fluid and there is always the potential to be attracted to someone of the same sex, but you don't need to worry about it. Just because you find a girl attractive doesn't mean you won't find "the man of your dreams" attractive too.

(Also, I'd like to add that there is nothing wrong with being bi or gay.)

You sound about as straight as someone can be. You probably are not going to "turn gay."

Fantasies are fantasies. They don't have to be real or even make sense.

Posts: 116 | From: SL | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 39654

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Another member will help you with this but i can offer some satisfation here.

Sexual fantasies are just that, fantasies. You can think of whatever you want and it can help you masturbate, just because you think of girls sometimes does nit mean you HAVE to be bi/gay/lesbian ect. you are whatever you want/feel you should be! You don't have to worry about defying your sexual orientation ANYWAY. So you can relax, anyway as i said someone will probably fill you in more.

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Member # 29128

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I'd like to say "Well, the fact that you don't find sex or romantic relationships with women an appealing prospect now means that you probably won't in the future". As someone who identifies as queer now (I don't think gender is a deciding factor in who I am attracted to) but felt completely unattracted to women until my late teens, I'd feel a bit hypocritical about it even though it might be accurate for you! [Razz] Getting married was never a big dream of mine, but I did have some similiar "what if I'm gay?" worries where the idea of non-platonic involvement with women seemed completely foreign. I even had a few nightmares in which I realised I was gay and that now everything was going to have to change. (I had relationships with boys all through highschool. Some of the time they involved intense emotional and physical attraction and some of the time they were about wanting other things, like understanding).

I definitely agree with what Devanie and you and your mum have said about fantasies. They're not necessarily an accurate reflection of what attracts you OUTSIDE fantasy-world. You sound pretty clear about what that is - about being attracted to men - right now.

I don't really have a solution for predicting how that might change in the future. For myself, my attractions changed really gradually, rather than overnight. I want to point out, however, that if you DID realise you were lesbian or bisexual at some point in the future, that wouldn't mean you couldn't find your soulmate and/or get married, or that that person would definitely not be a man, or that you wouldn't have other dreams and goals that you could fulfil, or that you wouldn't be able to be happy. As Devanie said, there's nothing wrong with being gay or bi.

I find the stuff your mum said about reasons people question their sexual orientation pretty interesting, but I need to go to sleep. Even though you aren't questioning, I'm wondering if having a bit more information might be helpful for your worry levels. That's one thing I find helpful when I'm feeling stressed out about anything at all to do with the future. Have you looked in the "Gaydar" section of this site? If you have not, there's an article there that has some info about figuring out your orientation, and there's another one about gender expression that I'll put up when my internet stops being bung. (But if you're feeling like more information will be MORE stressful/don't feel like reading, feel free to leave it).

Posts: 79 | From: the southern hemisphere | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 46555

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I dont know if you're going to reply again, but i read that article.
I stumbled upon the part that helps identify if you may be gay, bi, or straight.

I would like you to analyze the answers I give and maybe compare to your life experiences?

Are you attracted, physically and emotionally, to members of the same sex often? In other words, have you felt attracted to - you strongly want to be with someone, emotionally and sexually -- members of the same sex in regards to a few different people?
Never in my life

Are you, or have you been, in love with or crushing hard on someone who is of the same sex?

Do members of the same sex enter into your sexual fantasy life on a regular basis?
Happened during puberty- it was never abut any girl that i knew fact it was pretty much just faceless emotionless fantasies. but I also fantasized about boys and in REAL life feel very sexual and horny around them- and when im aroused by them its on so many different levels and is so much more intense and fulfilling.

Do you feel that on a few levels, you just don't fit in with others your age, outside of things like your clothes, economic class or nationality? Does queer culture and community feel like a more comfortable and authentic fit for you than heterosexual culture or community?
No, I feel that I fit best with heterosexual culture, as I have been dreaming about marrying my prince charming since I was little.

Do you feel that typical gender or relationship
roles (such as girls wearing skirts or being softspoken, or men being macho or gruff, just to name a couple) don't fit you well, or seem really incongruous? (It should be mentioned that discomfort with gender roles can also be about gender dysphoria, about sexual inequality, or simply about discomfort with the limited and binary way our world so often views gender.) Sometimes, gay, lesbian and bisexual people have a hard time feeling like traditional gender roles fit them, especially because so many of those roles can be heterosexist.

No, I am very comfortable with my gender role. I am extremely girly, obsessed with clothes, makeup, boys all of that. Have been since i was a baby girl.

Do you often feel bored, or just not excited by going out with members of the opposite sex? Does dating, or dating only, members of the opposite-sex feel forced, boring or like something big is missing?
I am and always have been very excited by the opposite sex. They give me butterflies in my stomach and whenever I've liked certain ones for a long time and I find out they like me too, It is the best feeling in the world. It is rare that i go through a stage of not having feelings for anybody- Im always really crushing on someone. Even right now.
Have you ever suspected or feared that you might be homosexual or bisexual?
Umm yes, but only as of lately. Maybe its good for you to know that I have a history of developing obsessive fears- this is causing me the same kind of anxiety that I had when I did have those irrational fears- obsessively thinking about it, obsessively testing myself to see if i "like" homosexual stuff, constantly asking my family "Am I Gay????" over and over...maybe this is all just irrational, as these fantasies are so common anyways.

What I want to know is, if sexuality is not a choice (which that article clearly stated), and you had feelings for guys your whole life without necessarily feeling like you had to based on society, what changed? Sexuality is something that is embedded into your DNA- its who you are. If you never suspected a thing then why did you all of a sudden go from 100% straight to gay? Or maybe you never did feel that way? Can you share some more of your own personal experiences with me??

[ 04-07-2010, 09:32 AM: Message edited by: xokrcbb ]

Posts: 3 | From: Canada | Registered: Apr 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Hey xokrcbb,
I need to work on some uni stuff today, but I'll do my best to answer in full in the next few days. Cool? Just to clarify beforehand though, I've started talking about this in terms of my personal experience because I thought it might be helpful to you to hear a different perspective on orientation and also because I have experienced similiar feeling at times, not because I think that your experience of your sexual orientation is going to be the same or follow the same pattern as my experience of mine.. everyone is different [Smile]

Posts: 79 | From: the southern hemisphere | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 46362

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I'd like to add some toughts:

1. about the idea that lesbians can't be femme - why not? Have you seen pictures of really talented transvestites? Or of RuPaul? If a man can be extremely feminine (perform femininity) and hetero women can do so too, why on earth would lesbians be the exception?

2. you're afraid, that being queer means, that you won't be able to live in a committed, long-term monogamous relationship. Well, there are gay people who are so deep into this idea, that they are actually fighting for their right to get married - so you just can't say that monogamy is just for the straights.

3. you're ready to commit yourself to a man and to renounce from the other 3 billion men in the planet who you also might find attractive. If you turn out to be bi, then you will have a chance to be attracted to the other half of the population too - but this won't "force" you to be promiscuous any more than the existence of the other 3 billion men for hetero women.

Posts: 124 | From: hungary | Registered: Mar 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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