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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Typical topic but... bicurious, maybe?

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Author Topic: Typical topic but... bicurious, maybe?
Peer Educator-in-Training
Member # 43257

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I'm a girl, and I definitely like girls. I've known that in some way since I was little. Whenever anyone asks my orientation, I'm either gay, or bisexual - never "straight."

I can't figure out whether or not I like guys. Some days they're just as attractive as girls to me, and other days the idea of hetero sex revolts me. I think some of this may have to do with these weird subconscious feelings I have about penetration/violence/patriarchy. I don't know a lot of boys my age, but the men in my life (my father, therapist, orthodontist, etc.) tend to show up in my dreams in disturbing and untrustworthy ways. In addition, I think I might be more comfortable in a homosexual relationship because it lacks the gender politics & power play a heterosexual one might have.

I also feel guilty for having these stereotypes and prejudices.

I've never dated anyone. But this is keeping me awake.

Posts: 20 | From: New Orleans, LA | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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When it comes to figuring out orientation, what we want to look at are feelings of attraction or just a lack of those feelings. Feelings of aversion usually are not about orientation, but about something else. To be clear, who we DISlike, or what we may think is icky doesn't give us any information about what we LIKE. Orientation is about what we want, like and feel drawn to, not about what we feel repelled by.

I don't see a reason for you to feel guilty: the feelings you're having are your feelings, you're cultivating an awareness of them. If they are about bias, the danger of bias is generally about a lack of awareness. And certainly, if you just don't want to have sex with someone, that's not you doing anything wrong to someone, or restricting their rights, since no one has a right to your body but you. Know what I mean?

I will say that I (and most other queer people I know) don't tend to find that same-sex or same-gender relationships are miraculously free of gender politics. If only! They're often different kinds of gender politics than occur between men and women, but politics do still tend to be there. And queer relationships also aren't a valhalla automatically free of power dynamics, either. After all, power dynamics aren't just about men and women, and aren't just about gender/don't just show up in that arena.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Peer Educator-in-Training
Member # 43257

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Yeah, that last paragraph - see, I know all that - and that's what I feel kind of guilty about, that I'm fully aware that it's silly to assume heterosexual relationships are harder or less balanced, yet my subconscious does. I guess I maybe even phrased that wrong; maybe I'm just afraid of guys, in a way, because most of the men I know are adults and I don't trust them. Whereas I'm comfortable with girls....

Thanks for this, I get the difference now, though. Like, I might be averted in my mind, occasionally, to hetero sex, but that's really not an issue because I know I like girls, and if I ever meet a guy and do want to date and/or sleep with him, I'll know. I stress over the dumbest things...

Posts: 20 | From: New Orleans, LA | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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