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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » new to this...suggestions?

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Author Topic: new to this...suggestions?
tsinquirer
Neophyte
Member # 45229

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Okay.

Im new to this site, but I found it helpful.

I have recently realized that I have major feelings for my best friend..who is also a girl. Ive told her about it, and she feels the same about me. Im so excited about this!

Problem is, I am currently dating a guy who has been wonderful to me, and I dont know how to approach telling him.

Do I tell him that I wanna be with a girl? Or do i just break up with him and avoid his questions?

I dont wanna hurt him...Im just really anxious and confused.

Any thoughts?

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TsInQuIrEr

Posts: 4 | From: Kentucky | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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That really depends. But I don't think just dumping someone on their face because you have interest in someone else is a way to treat anyone with care. I also think doing that to try and avoid question isn't fair to that person. You entered into a relationship with them, so that means you entered into some agreement about the two of you treating each other with care and communicating with each other. Relationships sometimes involve tough discussions or talking about things we're not so comfortable with.

A few questions:
Did you have strong feelings for this guy in the first place? Were they strongly romantic? Did you NOT have these feelings for your best friend, would you feel happy in relationship with him, and would you want that relationship to continue?

If you do still have feelings for him, have you two discussed what kind of relationship model you both want? Might this be someone you want to talk to about the possibility of opening your relationship so you can see both of these people?

Have you and your best friend also talked in-depth about all of this, including what impact a sexual relationship can potentially have on your friendship?

[ 01-03-2010, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tsinquirer
Neophyte
Member # 45229

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I have always had a crush on this guy. But I dont see us together for the rest of our lives. I feel like Im growing emotionally farther from him, but he latches on tighter.

But for a while now, I have been hiding how I feel for her because I was afraid of the response. I just assumed nothing would ever happen with us. So I tried to move on.

He only wants me right now. Ive tried breaking up with him before, but he seems to talk me out of it. I hate to see his feelings hurt. Hes a good guy, and I dont know what to say to him.

Me and my friend have talked about "us." We are wanting to see where we can go romantically, even if it makes our friendship awkward. I really care about her in more than just a "friend" way. I think if we only remained friends, I would have to eventually move on from her because it hurts me seeing her with other girls.

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TsInQuIrEr

Posts: 4 | From: Kentucky | Registered: Jan 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay, so here's what I'm hearing:

You have wanted to break up with this guy before, but he "talks you out of it." If that's really the case, in truth, this isn't such a great guy, after all. When we care for someone, we don't try and change their minds when they have made them up per whether or not -- or how -- they want to be with us.

If you still would not really want to be with this guy, regardless of your feelings for your best friend, I would suggest that you break up with him on the relationship's own merits. In other words, not b/c of the possible relationship with your best friend.

Staying with someone when you don't really want to be with them doesn't actually protect their feelings: it tends to a be a recipe for bigger hurt. And if he fights you on this again, you need to just step up for yourself, recognize that being with someone out of guilt isn't fair to anyone, stand your ground and make a clean break.

THEN I would suggest giving yourself some time to process that breakup, and get some air between relationships before jumping right into a new one. I'd say that's all the more important with something as potentially huge and potentially thorny as a sexual/romantic relationship with a best friend.

Clearly, you've stayed in a relationship that wasn't what you wanted, or had some dynamics you didn't like. taking time between relationships allows you to give some thought to why that happened, and get a better sense of what you'd want in relationships moving forward. It also helps you avoid what sounds like a really important relationship to you becoming nothing but rebounding.

[ 01-03-2010, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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