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Author Topic: I'm gay and I think I have a crush on a girl...
chacaron
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Hi, so I have a huge problem.
After about 2 or 3 years of questioning, I finally realized that I was gay, and I haven't come out or anything, but I've been in a few relationships. It's my first year at this school and I think I love a girl in my grade. So I asked her out, and the problem is that I have no idea what to do. At all. It's been 5 weeks and nothing whatsoever romantic has gone on, and it's getting kind of boring. I keep telling myself that I'll say certain things to her, arm around her shoulder, etc., but whenever I walk up to her I can't bring myself to it. It's really conflicting, confusing, and frustrating, and I'd appreciate some advice.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Well being gay or straight is rarely one hundred thousand percent. (And just because you like many guys and one girl it does not mean you are bisexual, but don't discount that either)Don't worry this is completely normal. But you say you can't bring your self to put your arm around her and such; is this because you feel that you should not be feeling this way for her? Or is it because, while you may feel that way not near her, in reality, when you are around her, it just does not feel romantic? Either is perfectly normal.

When I came out to a friend she told me basically about how many of her friends were gay, bisexual, or lesbian. (Which may sound like I would have said ya I saw them at the meeting, but it was to demonstrate that orientation doesn't matter to her; it was very comforting) Any way she told me about this lesbian friend of her's, who is now dating a guy.

Labels are not perfect. There is no way that they can describe exactly how we are feeling, all of the time. Labels exist because our society likes to put people into groups, so they can think about people in certain ways, but the fact is no two people are identical.

But I'm not immune to the wondering, I was straight for most of my life, but only because that was how society bred me, then when I crushed on a girl I thought I was a lesbian, then straight, now bi. It is confusing, difficult and hard to accept myself.

You say you love her, do you love her romantically, or as a friend? I love my *close* friends. Even the one I like, but I don't love them romantically. Could you talk to her about how you are feeling? She might be disappointed, but she may be able to help you cope, she will certainly be happier than if you continued this any longer with out feeling the way she does. But perhaps I am misinterpreting you; if so I apologize.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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chacaron
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quote:
Originally posted by moonlight bouncing off water:
Or is it because, while you may feel that way not near her, in reality, when you are around her, it just does not feel romantic?

That would be the one, I just don't know what to do. You sure are right, it really is confusing and frustrating.
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moonlight bouncing off water
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I have a similar experience, sort of. I liked this guy and long, long story short he asked me out, I said yes and then after a while I changed my mind. I liked him so much but I just felt sick when I was near him and about to go out with him. Unfortunately how we feel ideally and realistically is rarely identical.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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chacaron
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quote:
Originally posted by moonlight bouncing off water:
Unfortunately how we feel ideally and realistically is rarely identical.

So what should I do?
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moonlight bouncing off water
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I can't tell you what to do. I'm not you, I don't know what you need. Is there a reality of a relationship in the future? You cannot change your sexual orientation. If you truly feel nothing when you are around her, then could a relationship ever really work? This isn't to say you can't be her friend. I know, it stinks, but if don't feel anything for her when you are around her, then there is no way you could be involved romantically with her.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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vshanti
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Hey chacaron, welcome to Scarleteen!

Could you clarify something for me?

quote:
I think I love a girl in my grade. So I asked her out, and the problem is that I have no idea what to do. At all. It's been 5 weeks and nothing whatsoever romantic has gone on
Am I correct in assuming that you asked this girl out, that she accepted, and that now you're having trouble deciding how to conduct the relationship?

If she agreed to go out with you, then it's probably safe to assume that she is interested in getting to know you better as a person. Maybe you could try taking the romantic pressure off and spending some time with her as a friend. Spend time together hanging out, and if it feels right for both of you the romantic element will follow naturally.

It sounds like you are placing all the responsibility for conducting this relationship on yourself. Have you talked to her about how she feels, and about what she wants?

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Vanessa

I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe...
I do, I do, I do.


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Heather
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(Chacaron: I think in this thread, based on moonlight's comments, there has been some confusion about what your gender is. I'm presuming you're female, but I think moonlight -- feel free to correct me, moonlight -- was presuming you were male, which is why she made some of the comments she did.

Given the question, it would probably help to clarify what your gender is.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Yes I was presuming Chacarcon was male. I presumed this because Chacaron said he/she was not out. Also with the way the title was worded I assumed that for a female it would have said lesbian, which was very strange, also I didn't think a lesbian would find it unusual to like a girl. But I think you are right Heather. (Sorry Chacaron if I presumed your gender wrong) Oops [Eek!]

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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chacaron
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Haha no, I'm a guy. Sorry for the ambiguity. Heather, we've already spent a lot of time together (we spend some time as friends and then resumed the whole thing) to find that we didn't really know what to do. She tells me that she's self-conscious about the whole thing, I told her that I'm the same way mostly because I think I am... I just don't know if that uncertainty comes from my sexuality, and if it is, I don't know if there is a way to fix it because I really like spending time with her, and if I could make it less, I guess I could say awkward, then the whole thing would be mutually enjoyable. Sorry for not clarifying sooner! [Smile]
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moonlight bouncing off water
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What causes the awkwardness? Is it that you or she has the expectation of it being a romantic relationship? If so you might try a friendship and see whether that helps or not. Just because you are friends doesn't mean you cannot spend just as much time with her as you would if you were dating. I love lots of my friends, just not in the way that I want to date them. And hey, if it turns out you do like her that way it doesn't mean you need to re-evaluate your sexual orientation. Like who you like, one crush outside the box society tries to shove you in does not change you. Make your own rules for who you are attracted to! But most of all, make your happiness and comfort level a priority. If it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right.

[ 11-23-2009, 06:46 AM: Message edited by: moonlight bouncing off water ]

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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chacaron
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Thanks moonlight and everyone else that commented on this thread! I'll see if this all works out using the advice given to me. Thanks again!
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thedude82
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Ok...sexuality can be a bit dynamic, especially if you have a bi streak to you. Really does it matter what gender someone is? I mean I think some guys are cute, and some guys get me more excited than most girls, but even though I suck at relationships in general I think I'd suck even worse at one with a dude. Some days however all I can think about is what it would be like getting with a guy or having a bf instead of my annoying wife...lol. Worry less about what gender someone is and worry more about what you want out of a relationship with someone. If you want your sexual needs fulfilled and men do that for you then probably stay away from this girl. If you want something else and you feel she can provide that...then go for it. Just don't let her gender get in the way...people are always people, no matter what they have between their legs, and anyone can be right for anyone no matter the sex, sexuality, or gender identity.
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Heather
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(Just FYI, bashing a current partner doesn't really support the tone we like to have in our community, okay?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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