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Author Topic: My friend, but close enough to come out?
moonlight bouncing off water
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I am bisexual. I have come out to my parents and though I could get into that topic I won't. Only my parents know so when a friend whom I pass notes with back in forth in one class asked me who I liked I simply told her the guy who my crush is wearing off on. I hate being dishonest with her and I have been considering telling her, but I don't know if I should. Also my little sister doesn't know and neither does the girl whom I call my best friend but with whom I barely speak. Plus I have been recently hanging out with a new group which includes the friend, the crush and two recently out dating bisexual girls. There are three reasons (well sort of 4) why I wouldn't tell her I'm bisexual. 1st the only time I can tell her I'm bi is at a sleepover and not that it matters but it might be more awkward telling her I am attracted to girls while not laying next to her in a bed. 2nd what if she doesn't accept me? I know that if that is the case she is not worth my friendship, but that doesn't make me worry any less. 3rd then she may demand to know who I like. It is awkward enough having myself know! But if I refuse she may think I like her. (which I do like 1%) 4th I am not 100% even sure if I'm bi.

Of course there are benefits of having her know but I am in dire need of advice. I would like to let you know that for the bff thing we are not really bffs anymore and I don't really think it's worth telling her. HELP!!!!

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Heather
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How about considering both the pros and the cons to this to help you make your choice?

You seem to have outlined the possible downsides or unwanted outcomes of coming out to others pretty clearly here.

So, what do you see as the possible benefits?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Well...

1. I could be totally open with her. Maybe not about my crushes right away, but eventually I imagine I could probably.

2. I would get to find out just how good of a friend she is.

3. Her best friend (I'm pretty sure they are best friends) is one of the bisexuals who came out recently. I don't think she is treating her any differently, although I'm not sure. But at least I have that assurance.

4. I trust her.

I just don't want our relationship to change at all and I'm afraid this will change it. I just really think it would be very awkward around her and my female crush.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Heather
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Well, there's really nothing we can ever do to assure any relationship doesn't change over time. People change, so relationships often do, too.

But why don't you look at both these lists now: looking at them, does it seem like there would be more possible benefits for you in coming out, or more possible downsides?

P.S. I would suggest you consider one item on your list:
quote:
2. I would get to find out just how good of a friend she is.
If by that, you mean this as a kind of test of her friendship, I have to say I don't think it's fair to test friends that way. As well, if and when people DO have bias, it's often stuff learned from a very early age that takes time for people to get over. Not excusing it, at all, but someone can be a good friend to us and still have biases, and biases they haven't yet learned to unpack or manage well.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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moonlight bouncing off water
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I see what you mean about testing our friendship, but that is not exactly what I meant. I meant that if she acts weird and stops hanging out with me...
WHOA YOU'RE RIGHT I am trying to test the friendship, that is so unfair.

I know I will tell her eventually, I can't live my whole life in the closet. I guess part of it is I really don't want my little sister to know because she is very judgmental and the more people I tell the harder it will be to keep it a secret from her. Now that my parents know I don't even like that idea. I am constantly worried they will bring it up because I will feel uncomfortable. I guess I am also worried that I will hate the idea of her knowing if I tell her.

It is a whirlwind, a circle. I keep going back and forth between telling her and not. I just don't know what to do. I should not leave it up to chance. Once I had a crush on this guy and some people wanted to know, we were going bowling so I said I would tell them if I got a strike (I am not very good at bowling) and low and behold I got a strike. I keep thinking, well if she brings up crushes...

I still have no idea what to do.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Heather
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If you want my perception, seeing your lists and listening to you, it sounds to me like you don't yet feel comfortable coming out to her, and to anyone else who would know if you did.

And that's okay: you get to wait on that with whoever you need to for as long as you need, until it DOES feel much more right to you, even if in some sense it's still scary. Know what I mean?

It may also be that this is one of these things -- and it is, often enough -- where when it will feel right is when, lo and behold, a moment suddenly presents itself where it does feel totally right. In other words, that's it's something you get to not by planning, but by circumstance.

Lastly, it might be good to think about what you want in coming out: to her, to anyone. Sometimes when we know what we want in coming out -- acceptance, validation, to be heard, to have someone we can share doubts with, to have someone we can talk to openly about our relationships, to be held TO the orientation we state by having others know what it is, a wide range of things -- it can make it a lot easier to both feel out when it is and isn't right, and also assess if a given person we want to come out to is likely or not to meet those needs. Or, of course, if another person can meet those needs for us at all. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Wow, thank you that is helpful. I agree with you that I am not ready to come out to her yet; but I want to. I don't know if it really makes sense that I want to, but am not ready to, come out to her. I will sleep over at her house in a week and who knows that may be enough time to feel like I can tell her. I suppose that there may or may not be a good time to tell her. I guess what I want is to have some one to talk to and one of my biggest fears is that, no matter how she reacts, positively or negatively, that I won't have someone to talk to.

The only other person I really feel comfortable with is the girl I have a crush on, so talking to her about it is not a good idea, besides I only see her in class and at lunch anyway.

I have no relationships with males or females, just one almost date with a guy (I sort of went out with him for an hour if you will), so that is not what I need right now. I suppose this is some of my confusion, because I know I don't need a relationship to know what I am, but I feel like it might make it easier.

Plus I have slight feelings for her which makes it even harder. They are nothing really, maybe just an emotional connection as friends, and an appreciation for her body.

I think that once I talk to her the next group I will consider telling is my school. But when in that does my sister come in. I need some clarification on telling my sister as well. I think part of it is that since she doesn't know it forces my parents not to talk about it, which I like. It's not like they went around flaunting my heterosexuality when that was how I identified, but my dad would tease me about guys and stuff.

But my friend is next, I know that almost for certain and I am sure that the rest is far, far away.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Hey, the message I sent didn't appear and your's disappeared! Plus it says there are only 3 comments, what is wrong? I wonder if this message will get sent.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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Heather
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(Try refreshing your browser: I think I'm seeing them all.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About MeGet our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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moonlight bouncing off water
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I literally started seeing it after I typed that. So advice?

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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I just thought I'd update you on th situation. I told her. It made it easier that I had a crush to tell her about, and surprisingly she didn't freak that it was our friend I liked. She is so accepting. She doesn't care. I think she totally got what had made me so scared because she told me she doesn't treat anyone differently and told me about all her LGB friends. It feels amazing to have someone to talk to, and I do really think this will bring us closer. I feel so good!

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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vshanti
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Moonlight, congratulations on coming out to your friend! I'm really happy it went well, and I think you're really brave for putting yourself out there and being honest with her. Yay! [Big Grin]

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Vanessa

I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe...
I do, I do, I do.


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