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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Help please :'( - confused...

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Author Topic: Help please :'( - confused...
mr_putter12
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Hey, should I worry? (I'm 26)

I have always thought I was str8t. I went through some confusion around 16, but since I have met women I thought I had confirmed my hetero identity.

When I met my wife the first 6 months, it was very difficult to walk around without a massive erection. I mean, I was extremely aroused by her mere presence and sex was very creative and such. Like two rabbits going nuts lol.

After 4 years together,(I love her very much) I have never questionned my sexuality. I admit I have had 2-3 homo-erotic fantasies and masturbated to them. But maybe about 2000 hetero ones to which i have also masturbated to. I have had 1 or 2 "mancrushes" which didnt seem anything to worry about. Anyways, after 4 years we still have sex, 12-15 condoms a month. Since I have had my worry we have had two very steamy encounters (me and wife). I usually initiate it, and sometimes when she really doesnt want to I still convince her...

Saturday my friend calls me, he always calls me about his relationship issues. (He has had plenty of women, and he has healthy sex lives with each.) He asked me if he was gay. I said "do you like to eat female parts?" and he said "yeah its my fave. lol", so I said "then your not gay", then he said "but why does it keep comming up?"...

So I felt a huge pit in my stomach. It was like he shot me in the soul... I suddenly found myself questionning my sexuality. Why am I questionnning myself now?? Why is this affecting me to hard?

That is my concern - why does this affect me so much? Am I bi? Am I just really upset about my friend's news? Is it just my generalized anxiety condition amplifying this concern? (i've had depressive hypochondriac cycles since I was 12 - constantly thought I had deadly diseases and such)

Please dont make fun of this, its very serious to me.

Thank you [Smile]

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mr_putter12
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Am I in the right forum? SOrry im maybe too old for this forum?
Posts: 6 | From: Ontario | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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It's fine for you to be here at your age.

I have to tell you, I don't think enjoying performing cunnilingus is a sound way to figure out what someone's orientation is. For starters, while sexual attraction and sex is part of our orientation, it's not all of it: it's also about who we love.

As well, orientation isn't always so black and white: being homosexual means a person is solely OR primarily attracted, emotionally and sexually, to those of the same gender or sex. So, you will now and then find gay men who have had female partners and have enjoyed cunnilingus. Also, orientation is about attraction, not aversion. In other words, it's about who we DO like, not who we don't, or what sexual activities we don't like. Understand?

So, let's not look at your feelings for your wife: after all, if she isn't male, that doesn't help us figure out anything about how you feel about men.

Do YOU feel like you're bisexual? Does that feel like a term that feels like a good fit for you or not?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mr_putter12
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I dont feel bisexual or gay, thats the thing. I just have this worry in my head. Thats the confusion...

How can I put this... All my life I've been looking at women. I go to the mall for example, and I unconsciously find myself staring at women I find attractive. This doesnt happen with guys at all. But for some reason, the idea of being bi/gay is affecting, and scaring me. I have big anxiety about it.

Some things that have happened to me during my life:
- Sexually molested by a male when I was 4
- Saw a gay porno when I was 5, I thought women had penises for years
- @ 16 an older man mentaly hit on me, was sweet talkin me...


Now this. I have never had an issue about it before, why now? Its like it came out of nowhere... Could this just be an affirmation phase or something? If I would have gone into this relationship tyring to bury it down, then I would understand being depressed about it, but I had nothing to burry and honestly thought I was straight until saturday.

Our sex life is great... I'm happy with her, why get all anxiety about this? Dont know

[ 09-30-2009, 04:07 PM: Message edited by: mr_putter12 ]

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Heather
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Well, might you think about what would be so scary about being gay or bisexual?

In other words, where do you think that's coming from: why do you think you have the idea that one orientation (heterosexual) is NOT scary, but others are?

By all means, your early childhood sexual abuse could be a big part of this. Men developing homophobia because of that happens often enough, especially if men have the idea that sexual abuse with a same-sex perp OR sex with someone of the same sex can "make" someone gay (hint: it can't). Did you ever do any kind of counseling for your childhood sexual abuse?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mr_putter12
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Thanks for your replies btw, I appreciate the time. [Big Grin]

The scary part about it would be to loose my wife, and family life with her and our two kids. I am scared to lose her is my whole fear. I dont want to be without her... I go through thoughts like: If im gay, then it will devestate our relationship. Thats the whole fear. I have no other fears than this one, I think. What If I come to the conclusion that I am gay, tell her I am, break up, and omg I really wasnt gay?

So hetero = keep my wife, gay = not.

I'll check out conseling... Thanks

I keep going over this and trying to imagine a gay life, and it just doesnt work.. I just want the anxiety to go away, so I'll go anywhere in my thoughts, I would admit it if I knew I was.. But the more I examine my life, everything points towards being hetero..

Confused... [Frown]

EDIT: If it was worry about being Bi, then why would it bother me that much... its gotta be worry about gay..

[ 09-30-2009, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: mr_putter12 ]

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Heather
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Let's first bear in mind that there is a spectrum of sexual orientation: we're not all merely gay or straight.

In your case, you express high levels of attraction to women, far more so than to men, which pretty much crosses out being gay. Gay men, again, are either ONLY or PRIMARILY attracted to men. You also don't seem to express any desire for sexual or romantic relationships with men. Again: gay men tend to have desires for those actual relationships, just like hetero people tend to have a desire for those relationships with the opposite/other sex.

There also isn't "a gay life." Those of us who aren't straight have lives as varied as straight people do, after all. Our lives don't all look the same just because we all are always or sometimes attracted to/in relationship with those of the same sex or gender.

Biphobia can be as big an issue for people as homophobia, so I can't say if your worries are or are not just about being gay just based on the fact that you have them.

I don't think ANY of this is something you need to worry about the loss of your wife over. Again, you aren't expressing things that would lead us to believe it's likely you're gay, and even if you're bisexual (or gay, for that matter), our identity and how we ENACT that identity are two different things. Lots of bisexual people, for instance, are in monogamous partnerships and marriages, and perfectly happy and satisfied in them.

I would suggest counseling around your childhood sexual abuse: I'd always suggest that. But I think it will be particularly useful for you with this, and you can also discuss your fears/homophobia in that counseling.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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mr_putter12
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Thank you!

Yeah, I beleive my anxiety is associated with something else and that is just something that came to my mind when I started my anxiety/depression.

I realise that I have never really felt a real attraction to a man, so that would be indication that my orientation is mostly hetero.

I will go to counseling and figure it all out, maybe i just never came to term with some other issues in my life?

Thanks again for your support [Smile]

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mr_putter12
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HOCD, Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Here is a link which describes how I feel, at 100%. Its like they read my mind. Everything says hetero...

Thanks, hope the link helps some other hetero HOCD sufferers, it really sucks, and in my married situation, it causes alot of pain in the marriage. My wife doesnt really understand, and probably is trying not to know what I told her. She has been distant since I have told her what my anxiety is about.

http://www.brainphysics.com/yourenotgay.php

Thank you!

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Heather
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You know, though, this is not an actual disorder, medically-speaking. In other words, this is not a formal diagnosis put forth by psychology as a school and practice.

I'd also be -- I feel -- wary of this because it appears to be something that presents a bias, homophobia, as an illness. What that has the capacity to do is make it appear that those who are homophobic are more harmed by their homophobia than those who face bigotry BECAUSE of homophobia.

Understand?

Mind, I am not discounting that you feel distressed. I'd just advise you get counseling and talk to someone qualified about any diagnoses rather than self-diagnosing, especially self-diagnosing things that haven't been given any credibility yet.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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michan
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So I've actually mentioned this in another thread, but I will tell you about it too.
There really is a whole spectrum of sexual orientations and one of the things that goes along with that is the "Gay-Straight" scale.
What this is is a scale from 1 to 10.
1 being super straight and 10 being uber gay.
Very few people are completely 1 or completely 10. Most people are just somewhere in the middle. Like me, I consider myself a lesbian but on the scale I'm about a 8.7-9.5
So I'm still not quite a ten because I still think that a few guys are attractive even if I would never date them in a million years.
You are obviously not a 1, otherwise you wouldn't be talking about this.
You are like most other people who are somewhere in between, even if it is faaaar closer to one side than the other. So if you are feeling confused about that sort of thing, don't worry, most people go through it even if they're quiet about it. Plus questioning yourself can happen at any single point in your life. For some it's very early, for others it's very late and for the rest it's right in the middle.
So don't sweat it, it happens to everyone.

Hope this helped.

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moonlight bouncing off water
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Only you can know if you are gay or bisexual. But you love your wife right? You are attracted to her? If the answer to those was yes then you are set. If you are bisexual, it doesn't mean you need to break off your marriage in order to have a relationship with a man. You have love and that is important, far more important than any label you can be given. If you love your wife and you plan to spend the rest of your life with her, then your sexuality should not make a difference, you don't need to give up your life.

Now I don't mean to say your sexual orientation should be something you forget about, but it isn't all you need to worry about. Hope I helped.

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~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

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