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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Bi or Lesbian

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Author Topic: Bi or Lesbian
Member # 43147

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I'll start by saying I have never been with either sex, but I am VERY attracted to girls. I have always identified as bisexual, but it's got me thinking..I desire a girl to be with for the rest of my life and don't think I'd ever be in a relationship with a man, so my question is am I still bisexual, or lesbian? Some people tell me oh a lesbian has to be strictly attracted to females, no guys. Whereas, my sister has relations with girls and labels as straight. My second quest is, is it possible to know what you are before you have any relationship? I know I'm attracted to girls mostly, there is very few guys I find attractive but people still tell me there is no way I can know what I am if I'm a virgin.
Posts: 3 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Is there any particular reason why you feel the need to label yourself right away?

I know there's a lot of pressure from society to pick a "side", but sexuality and orientation is far more fluid than that. There isn't just straight, bisexual and've got everything in between as well.

As for the last comment, I wouldn't waste your time listening to what people have to say when it comes to your orientation. Being a virgin has nothing to do with orientation.

To me, it sounds as though you are leaning towards lesbian. You don't have to have dated tons of people or been with both men and women to necessarily know your orientation. However, I wouldn't pressure yourself to fit into a neat little box. Identify as bisexual, if that's what fits you best now, and if that changes later on, that's OK too.

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Posts: 3987 | From: Greater Burlington Area, Vermont | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 43147

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Thanks for the answer, the reason I ask is my mom is bugging me about it..She wants to know what I am and I tell her bisexual but I feel like I'm lying to her cause what if she expects me to bring a guy home one day?
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Scintie: I know sometimes it's difficult to be ourselves when we know there's parent expectations that we may not be in alignment with by doing so - but you should also consider your mom really probably wants you to be happy. If that means being with a girl that you have a good open and loving relationship with, I think that helps parents to understand our side too. And in the end, it is about you being happy.

"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon

Posts: 3429 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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I also wanted to add:

A bisexual is someone who feels the potential to be attracted to men and women. It doesn't mean they're equally attracted to both, or will even ever have relationships with both.

I think I know what you mean about feeling like you're lying though (even though I don't think you are).

I'm bisexual, but primarily attracted to women, and I sometimes feel like the simple bisexual label isn't accurate because of how primary my orientation towards women is. The solution I've found is what you did to fill in your Scarleteen profile--to be more specific. In other words, if you feel comfortable, you could tell your mom what you said here, that you're bisexual but more interested in women.

Here are two articles I think you might appreciate too.

[ 07-09-2009, 11:28 PM: Message edited by: bluejumprope ]

without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich

Posts: 407 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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bluejumprope I just wanted to say thank you because I was reading this, and having recently identified as bisexual but not really feeling it, I am sort of the opposite of you and scintie ( I mostly like men), but now I have some clarification.
Posts: 864 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 44481

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Going back to what some people said, orientation and sexuality isn't just one thing.
There is a whole spectrum, there's even a scale from 1 to 10.
1 being super straight and 10 being super gay.
Very few people are right at one end or the other, most are somewhere in the middle.
Like me, I identify as a lesbian but I'm probably about an 8.7-9.5
But either way there still is that factor of I think a guy is attractive but I would never want to date him.

Plus to one of the things you said, how you've never dated anyone but know you like girls.
It's like when you are in elemantary school. You might have a little crush on a gender and know you like that gender even though you haven't dated them. Or like how I knew I liked girls loooong before I started dating my first girlfriend(and we haven't even been dating a month now.)

So really, don't sweat it. Take the time you need to figure things out. You'll know everything all in due time.

Posts: 34 | From: BC, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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