posted
Hi hope someone out there can help with this.
I am 37, attractive, great job, gorgeous child and feeling like a total failure because I am confused about my sexuality. Ten years ago I came off a hidden drug addiction and turned my life around- part of being clear-headed meant anything felt possible, and instead of shying away from relationships (something I did all my life) I acted on my attraction to a man, the sex was amazing and I broke through all my issues (yeah right but that's what I thought) and got married and pregnant. I felt pretty and feminine for the first time in my life. So proud of what I had achieved. I had always felt uncomfortable about my sexuality, but I felt I had met my love. Looking back it was nuts, he wasn't into me and I think I mistook the sex and euphoria of being free from drugs as love. We split up (which has been hideous) but now I am back facing the same question. Am I gay straight or Bi and how do I find out (living in the sticks in remote English countryside)
Something very strange has started happening- any mention of sexuality (even in meetings at work when referring to gay groups or gay magazines who I have to work with) and I go BEETROOT. I look like a closet gay but I am not sure what I am. Has anyone ever had this? Am I a typical closet gay or am I just a bit mad?!
I am avoiding social situations and have even called in sick at work because I am embarrassing myself so much by going beetroot when anyone mentions the word gay! I want the ground to swallow me up as my colleagues all are awkward around me now- and make heavy hints saying its okay to be gay, but I don't know what I am. I am attracted to men AND women (but more women I think) but socially, being Bi is on a par with claiming I am a deranged swinger or confused (true) or in the closet- and I have never even had a same-sex experience so how can I come out? How can I stop going red and socially ostracizing myself? It sounds trite but it's agony.
I am feeling more and more lonely and full of shame and self loathing. Silly and ridiculous, a bit of a joke.
This is all compounded by the fact that due to my (secret) drug history I can't drink so feeling doubly isolated, always turning down social occasions at work- and after all these years I have started feeling really really tempted in spite of knowing what the consequences are and my responsibilities as a mother (that's the only thing that stops me). Now my marriage has gone I feel like a social leper.
I have so many friends urging me to date (cue more beetroot faces) and 'get back out there' and I don't feel I can mention this to anyone because I don't know what I am.
Have you been through this? Or any part of this? xx
Posts: 2 | From: UK | Registered: Mar 2009
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posted
(Oxuna: I just wanted you to know that I've seen your post, but I'm heading out for the night and don't want to shortcut with such a big question and so much complexity. If another volunteer has not gotten to this by morning -- on my side of the pond -- I'll head to it first tomorrow.)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63243 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Oxuna, I was coming over for the same reason as Heather. I wanted to let you know that I've read your post and have been thinking of you. I think Heather -- whom I know will have great feedback and advice -- or another volunteer will get to it before I do, but I'll be back late tomorrow afternoon (EST) just in case. Additionally, I will ask a friend and fellow volunteer in the UK for recommendations of more local, in-person resources; if you are ok with sharing a more specific, yet general region, that might help with the search, although I know you're internet savvy yourself.
In the meantime, I realize you are probably far beyond what these articles cover and may have seen them already; however, if not, I think they're worth checking out if you're interested. Good luck, and ttyl.
You know, years back I had a several-night stand in a tiny English village, and the logistics my companion went through to get me out the door and to the train unnoticed, so it would not be the talk of the place evermore were astounding. So, I have a sense of the lack of privacy in the kind of place where you live. I don't imagine that makes any of this feel any better.
I want to start first by unpacking some things, though.
For starters, I strongly disagree with this statement:
quote:socially, being Bi is on a par with claiming I am a deranged swinger or confused (true) or in the closet
Being bisexual is not about being confused. It's about being attracted to both men and women. Is someone attracted to people of more than one race confused? Nope. It's about a wider range of attraction, not about confusion.
As well, it's not about being in the closet, or about someone claiming they are bi to avoid saying they are gay most of the time. Some people do use it that way, sure, but more people who are deep in the closet will say they're straight than that they're bi.
Not all swingers are deranged, but all the same, there are lot of bisexual people who are in and prefer monogamy. Bisexuality doesn't mean a person has to have sex partners of both sexes, just that they can be attracted to both.
One other thing I want to mention is that you talk about feeling pretty and feminine in your last partnership, and I wanted you to be aware that plenty of queer women feel that way in same-sex relationships, too, and plenty of queer women identify as femme. So, if you have concerns there, there's no need.
I'm not that concerned about your blushing with mentions of sexuality and being gay: my guess is that will pass in time the more you sort this out. It's also likely something that you notice more than anyone else. can I ask why it concerns you so much?
Let's talk a bit about your orientation. Can you tell me some about your history, about when you started feeling attraction to women? Can you also talk to me a bit about what options you have in terms of traveling out of your small town now and then? You're right, very small towns are often tough for dating, period, but all the more tough for same-sex dating. Even in large cities, the queer dating pool is much smaller, but in smaller places, it can sometimes be very, very hidden or totally nonexistent.
Can I also ask what it is exactly you're feeling ashamed of?
Lastly (for now), you talk a lot about isolation, and I wonder if you have looked up if there is an AA or NA meeting near you? The UK is pretty rich with them, they are private and protected, and that is a way you could feel less isolated, be able to talk about a period of your life as real (rather than keeping it secret from everyone) and also make some other social connections.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63243 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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quote:Originally posted by oxuna: feeling like a total failure because I am confused about my sexuality.
There are so many of us that are always questioning our sexuality or watching how it changes, it doesn't make us failures. If anything it means we're aware of our sexuality, we might not know if it fits a certain term but we know we're not pretending.
quote: Ten years ago I came off a hidden drug addiction and turned my life around- part of being clear-headed meant anything felt possible, and instead of shying away from relationships (something I did all my life) I acted on my attraction to a man, the sex was amazing and I broke through all my issues (yeah right but that's what I thought) and got married and pregnant. I felt pretty and feminine for the first time in my life. So proud of what I had achieved. I had always felt uncomfortable about my sexuality, but I felt I had met my love. Looking back it was nuts, he wasn't into me and I think I mistook the sex and euphoria of being free from drugs as love. We split up (which has been hideous) but now I am back facing the same question.
I'm not sure that trying to explain away feelings you had in the past is something you need to do. A lot of the time life experiences can actually be seen as part of sexuality. They certainly are for me. The problems you had just got over at the time may have changed the way you felt about sex and him, but as you say, it felt great, wherever those feelings came from, and you had an involved sexual relationship which you felt good about. Relationships can change no matter what people's sexualities are, because it sounds to me as though you were still going under big changes in your life. Feeling feminine, too, is something anyone can feel and doesn't really corelate to sexuality.
quote: Am I gay straight or Bi and how do I find out (living in the sticks in remote English countryside)
Despite the words we use, I'm not sure sexuality is something we are but rather something we feel... you saying you feel attracted to men and women IS your sexuality. What you call it is up to you. Sometimes bi works best if you really want to be clear that you are capable of being attracted to people of both genders.
quote:Something very strange has started happening- any mention of sexuality (even in meetings at work when referring to gay groups or gay magazines who I have to work with) and I go BEETROOT. I look like a closet gay but I am not sure what I am. Has anyone ever had this? Am I a typical closet gay or am I just a bit mad?!
That's perfectly alright it's obviously just part of how you react and sexuality is a major source of angst for you at the moment. There are times when i have felt very self-conscious about sexuality, but now that's been more when someone has been homophobic and i haven't known how to react.
quote:I am avoiding social situations and have even called in sick at work because I am embarrassing myself so much by going beetroot when anyone mentions the word gay! I want the ground to swallow me up as my colleagues all are awkward around me now- and make heavy hints saying its okay to be gay, but I don't know what I am. I am attracted to men AND women (but more women I think) but socially, being Bi is on a par with claiming I am a deranged swinger or confused (true) or in the closet- and I have never even had a same-sex experience so how can I come out? How can I stop going red and socially ostracizing myself? It sounds trite but it's agony.
It's not trite this is a legitimate worry for you, and it's perfectly ok to talk about it. I think finding some people who you can talk to about it and sharing experiences could be really helpful. And it's better that it be people who're more trustworthy. In honesty it's not really any of your co-workers business... there's no reason to have to hide your sexuality, but how many of them have come out to you as straight? Do you even need to come out to these people?
If you feel these people are going to discriminate against you for your sexuality (or swingers!) you must remember that is illegal.
There is every possiblity that they will support you.
It sounds to me that your embarrassment is based a lot on how you think people will react... some outside groups would probably be a much better place to reach support and build up that confidence.
I can't recommend any specific groups right now without knowing whereabouts you are I know there are bi-specific groups in quite a few counties... and queer organisations pretty much everywhere.
A lot of the groups specify that they're there for support rather than dating, which I think is a pretty good thing, which means at least you can tell you're going to be respected. And you can hope that with support being the focus you may find non-alcoholic social activities to be a big part of what happens.
And you know being accused of merely being confused can be devaluing, but if that means unconcluded I think that's quite a good thing... not much about our sex lives is ever completely concluded... I'd say it's pretty positive to be able to question what's going on not assuming too much.
quote:I am feeling more and more lonely and full of shame and self loathing. Silly and ridiculous, a bit of a joke.
This is all compounded by the fact that due to my (secret) drug history I can't drink so feeling doubly isolated, always turning down social occasions at work- and after all these years I have started feeling really really tempted in spite of knowing what the consequences are and my responsibilities as a mother (that's the only thing that stops me). Now my marriage has gone I feel like a social leper.
I have so many friends urging me to date (cue more beetroot faces) and 'get back out there' and I don't feel I can mention this to anyone because I don't know what I am.
Have you been through this? Or any part of this? xx
Yeah I have, I find that just finding people who are supportive has been such a fantastic help and has meant that I've got security and peace of mind if i do chose to start opening up to people who may not understand.
As for what you are... I think most of those answers in reference to sexuality are in your post, you saying who you're attracted to etc... that is you, and you can call it what you like.
The Best of luck! (Oops, double posting with heather, i hope this helps too)
posted
Thank you both of you for your detailed and considered responses. Very kind of you both. I am still digesting them. NA / AA here is tiny and I feel too nervous to share this stuff, maybe I should. And the going red thing- I am pale skinned and my hair is really fair, so it makes everyone else embarrassed watching me squirm so much! Cue nervous coughs, excuses to leave the room....
I also really didn't intend to offend anyone and re-reading my message realise I might have. I am sorry about that. I suppose part of this journey is me re-evaluating my so-called liberal attitudes...they could definitely do with some sharpening!
Going to re-read and mull. Thank you again x
Posts: 2 | From: UK | Registered: Mar 2009
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