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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » What AM I?

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Author Topic: What AM I?
Shea
Neophyte
Member # 39705

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So I've always been pretty deeply rooted in the idea that I was strictly heterosexual. I love men, I think they're pretty, and could care less about women. I realized this year though that while I love them, I never want to have sex with any of them. Just the thought of sexual anything disgusts me and makes me want to get sick. So I started thinking of myself as hetero-romantic asexual. What a mouthful.
But now I've met a girl. I swear she's my soul mate. She's everything I ever looked for in a partner, minus the fact that she as a vagina. Sex with her sounds just as revolting, but I really, really like her, and can see myself being with her for forever, as long as she didn't ask for anything sexual.

So I'm at a loss. Just what IS my sexuality? I can't be a flippyfloppysexual. Or can I be?

Posts: 32 | From: California | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Sounds like to talk about this, it might be easiest to first talk about your sexuality separate from your orientation (and also, at some point, we probably want to talk about the fact that people can have soul mates, or people they feel great affection for and want to have as life partners without those relationships or feelings being romantic).

Asexuality, just for the record, is something most asexuals tend to express not as aversion or revulsion, but simple disinterest (disinterest in either pursuing or enacting sexual feelings, or, for some, just a total lack of interest in sex, or a lack of sexual desire, altogether).

Strong feelings of revulsion do often tend to come from somewhere, rather than out of the blue.

Could you talk some about those feelings, about when you felt like you started having them (or if they have always been there), about your sexual history (whatever you are comfortable with)? Has there been any sexual shaming, or sexual or other abuses in your history?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Shea
Neophyte
Member # 39705

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No sexual abuse, I'm pretty sure. I have a good family life, and don't remember any figures at school that could have done anything. I was guilted into giving oral sex about a year ago by my then boyfriend, but I ended it with him when he tried it again on me. That probably helped with the revulsion, but I've always had a really low sex drive and desire for sex, long before I met him.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Being pressured into oral sex is a What is rape, and what is it like to be raped?[/b]]sexual abuse, so by all means -- particularly if you were also coerced into it when you had had no desire at all to do that, period -- that could be part of what's going on here.

You say you have "always" had a really low sex drive, but looking at your age, I think we have to bear in mind that you're young enough that you simply may still be developing -- emotionally, chemically, interpersonally -- in that area and so just not even be at your own drive yet, if you get me.

Did you ever get any kind of counseling or support for that oral date rape by your ex-boyfriend? have you even been able to recognize it as that yet?

[ 12-16-2008, 10:44 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Shea
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That's true, I was thinking about that the other day while skimming the rest of the site and reading up on how people didn't feel anything sexual until later on in life.

Naw, no counseling. I just cut off ties with him and told myself it happened and I should just be happy it wasn't worse. I'm torn between if it was rape or not though. He did guilt me into it, but I never actually said no. The first time anyway, the second time he tried it I did say no, and I'm very, very glad I did.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Did you read that link I gave you up there?

Consent isn't about not saying no: it's about saying yes, and being able to freely choose to do something you also want to do.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Shea
Neophyte
Member # 39705

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Whoops! Sorry, I missed that. I'll go check it out now.

Alright, having read that, I gotta agree and say I was raped. I do have a huge distrust of men now after that incident *my boyfriend before him didn't help either* so maybe that's my issue? I find women way more trusting then men, easy.

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Idir
Activist
Member # 41176

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You know, they say that sexuality is something which'll result out of your romantic attraction for someone, because if you'd love someone, you'll develop a sexual attraction to them.
But not necessarily. You can have an exclusively romantic attraction to someone, or only a sexual one.
(Like, who said that sex for sex' sake can't be affectionate too [Big Grin] )

Of course, you might as well be asexual.
Well, I don't know you, so I can't really say.
I can't even classify myself, for the record.
You don't necessarily need to label yourself, time will tell. Labels are for soupcans [Razz]

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I know there is an over the rainbow for me.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I just want to make sure that something you said, Idir, doesn't inadvertently become a conversation-halter.

Basically, for most people, identity is a big issue, and for many of us -- even when we understand that many parts of our identity are fluid -- having some understanding of our identity, and having words for it is a very common desire, and sometimes that want is very strong. For some, that feels like a want, for others a need, and others might not feel that want or need.

So, while if someone doesn't WANT a title, a "label" or language for any given thing that's totally fine, let's be sure not to make wanting that sound small or silly. The OP is asking questions about her identity, stating she wants to have a better grasp of it, so it's pretty important that expressed want is honored, even if it's not one you have at the current time for yourself, okay? Thanks. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Shea
Neophyte
Member # 39705

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Haha, thanks Idir. I considered the idea of just being "me" but I like the idea of fitting into a label, at least sexuality wise. It would make the dating world much less confusing. I don't plan on dating for a good decade or more, but it will still help in the long run [Big Grin]

[ 12-16-2008, 05:42 PM: Message edited by: Shea ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, if nothing else, you certainly know that for right now, Shea, you are not interested in a sexual relationship. And that's something that if you say that to someone else, makes that pretty clear.

In other words, when it comes to dating and your relationships now, based on what you've said, as far as I can tell it doesn't really matter what your sexuality is. What matters is that you do not have any interest in enacting it with someone else.

And until you do feel like you come up with a term that best fits you, just voicing that -- that you aren't interested in a sexual relationship -- would certainly suffice and not be at all obtuse.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Shea
Neophyte
Member # 39705

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That's true. That works for me for now then, thanks!
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Idir
Activist
Member # 41176

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I wasn't trying to make people labeling themselves inferior to "just-me" people, I just said that she might possibly want to consider to... idk live without labels.
That's only a suggestion, I only voiced my opinion, she's free to do whatever she wants [Smile]

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I know there is an over the rainbow for me.

Posts: 84 | From: Algeria | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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