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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » queer dyke anxious about bisexual identity and sex with men

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Author Topic: queer dyke anxious about bisexual identity and sex with men
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 40774

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I'm a twenty year old butch queer girl. I've always been attracted to women. All of my relationships have been with women.

Beginning in my mid-teens, after I'd come out as gay, I also started fantasizing a lot about men.

In real life though many things about bio-males repulse me. The idea of kissing men grosses me out. The few times I've been sexual with boys felt strange and unpleasant and bad for me. But all of those times were with boys I was not at all turned on by, felt unsafe with and felt pressured to be with. I think under the right circumstances, with the right guy, I'd want to, but I have trouble even imagining that kind of relationship because of my gender identity.

Are there any primarily gay people out there that also have straight sex? How does that fit into your identity? Are there any queer women who have had good relationships with men? Are there bio-men who want to have sex with dykes and also understand and are turned on by their queer identities? I guess some of my fears are deep-seated cultural stuff--that only femme women are desirable to men so I have to suppress my butchness to be with men.

I've heard of some transguys who have bio-guy gay boyfriends but I don't know any butch dykes who have sex with bio-guys.

[ 04-03-2009, 02:17 PM: Message edited by: bluejumprope ]

without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich

Posts: 407 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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You can pretty much rest assured that, whatever your particular sexual and gender identity happens to be, there's going to be a few other people out there who feel the same. Sexual orientation and identity are incredibly varied, and they also fluctuate over the course of a lifetime, and there really isn't anything that's completely new and unheard of.

So, no, you're not alone. [Smile]

I'd also not worry about fitting into any sort of self-prescribed category to ensure being thought of as attractive by a given group. People are attracted to all sorts of things, and it's not true that males, as a group, prefer 'femme' women. You just can't make sweeping statements like that about a group that consists of 50% of the population.

Your best bet is to just be yourself and be comfortable with yourself. If you are happy and confident about who you are, you'll sooner or later find someone who likes you for exactly who you are.

Just from a personal perspective, in case that helps a little: I am female and I identify as queer. Amongst the people I've dated are a very feminine woman, a rather butch woman, a bisexual male and, my current partner, a straight, rather 'manly' male (so, there's the bio-man who quite enjoys being with dyke-y me). I've also had a huge crush on a FtM transgendered guy, and I used to write guy-on-guy slash fiction. All of that would probably make it difficult to fit me neatly into a box, but I'm quite happy being me, and that's all that matters. [Smile]

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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