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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Homophobic mother

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Author Topic: Homophobic mother
AnansiGirl
Neophyte
Member # 34159

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*sigh* Okay, it's like this. I feel as though I have finally found the one person I would like to share my life with, but she's female. Everytime I bring up 'my best friend' with my parents, it hurts like a physical thing that I can't tell them the truth.

I came out to them some time ago, and while Dad was okay with it, my Mum was just 'relieved that you're not all gay, dear.' *facepalm* And she RUINED my first relationship with a girl.

This welsh girl that I met at a Doctor Who convention, let's call her N, was a little younger than me at the time, and we were both just figuring out we liked girls (in my case, as well as boys). We got together, and I had all of three days with her to love her before I decided - really, really stupidly in my openess - to inform my mother of our relationship. I mean, she was always fine when I brought boys home, so what was the diff?

She went very cold, and very quiet, and said, "If I ever catch you two so much as kissing, I'll make sure you never see each other again."

I didn't know what to do. Every time we were about to do something, then, I panicked a little and backed away. I loved her so, and I thought a platonic relationship would be better than no relationship at all. I tried to explain it to her, again, and again, but she didn't understand, and I had to watch her heart breaking just because of some rule my STUPID homophobic mother had laid out. Because of her, N loathes me now.

I don't want the same thing to happen again, and I have nowhere to run if it does. I am not a naturally sociable person, and besides one or two friends who are children of my mother's friends and blabbermouths, this girl is all I have. And I can't talk to my brother because he's a jerk, and I can't talk to my dad because he'd promptly inform my mum.

I don't know. Maybe there's someone out there with a similar situation? Or some useful advice?

*sigh* I just dun-wanna feel so helpless.

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"I'm bouncing off the walls again, woah-oh~
I'm acting like a fool again, woah-oh~
Threw away my reputation,
For one more song on the RADIO STATION~"

Posts: 29 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jase Watson
Activist
Member # 39090

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Hey AnansiGirl. Im really sorry to hear that your mother is like that. Your mother is probably just scarred, and avoiding that fact that your happiness is WAY more important than her conventional thinking of having her daughter married to a guy, and doing the wedding arrangements, and having grandchildren, etc. etc. Listen to me. DO NOT LET YOUR MOM RUIN YOUR LIFE. If you like women, and more importantly, if theres a certain someone that you currently like or love, please stay with it. How old are you? I think that perhaps it would be best to keep it to yourself untill you can avoid anything from going the way your last relationship went. My instinct advice would be to sit down and talk to your dad, be like "Hey dad, listen, I have to talk to you seriously. I really like this girl, and it makes me happy, Id appreciate if you could let mom know for me that it makes me happy." But it might not work like that. For now, keep to yourselves, good luck. Im sorry that you have to keep it from her. Always remember, there is always a way to keep it okay. Dont let your mothers threats of not seeing her bother you. You can go to your dad and let him know that that doesnt sit well with you. Good luck [Smile]

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- Jase Watson

Posts: 58 | From: San Diego, CA | Registered: Jun 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

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Hi AnansiGirl,

Are you familiar with PFLAG? Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians & Gays (PFLAG)...includes bisexuals.

I think it would be useful for you and your mother to read this support section and links for parents and families
http://community.pflag.org/NETCOMMUNITY/Page.aspx?pid=539&srcid=539

Maybe she could talk to another mother who has gone through the same situation. Only you can tell if shes ready for something like that though. It can take time for people to come round.

Just realised that you're in England. This page describes some more local resources
http://www.stonewall.org.uk/information_bank/coming_out/default.asp#coming_out_info

Have you thought about going to a GLBT youth group yourself? you might just meet some like-minded friends to talk to.

And here are some confidential helplines you could call if you felt like talking.
http://www.queery.org.uk/StaticPages/Advice.asp

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"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 33665

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(eryn, you're always so fantastic here. [Smile] )

Anansi, since you are over the age of consent and old enough to legally be considered an adult, there really isn't anything your mother could do, aside from withdrawing financial assistance, to keep you from seeing your partner.

eryn gave you a lot of great sites and helplines, so you might want to take a look at those. The helplines might also be useful in discussing ways to approach your mother.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AnansiGirl
Neophyte
Member # 34159

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Thankyou so much for all your advice and replies. The thing is, I'm not sure I want to tell my mother about my girlfriend, and I know I can't just find some magical way for her to be supportive of my orientation.

Yes, I'm nineteen, above most ages of consent and legality in the UK. But I'm, well, I'm not exactly out there, you know? I still live at home, and I'm currently lacking a job, and since mum is the dominant parent and breadwinner of the family, she holds the reins on my life still. She could EASILY remove what little finacial allowances I have, no questions asked. Sometimes I wonder if there's something wrong with me, in that I'm undyingly loyal to her even if she seems so disappointed in what a flawed creature her eldest has turned out to be...

But I'll consider sending her the links to those websites. I don't want to shove it down her throat, is the only thing. I'm scared that'll make her even worse.

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"I'm bouncing off the walls again, woah-oh~
I'm acting like a fool again, woah-oh~
Threw away my reputation,
For one more song on the RADIO STATION~"

Posts: 29 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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