well over the last three years I've slowly admitted to myself I'm a lesbian. I'm 21, have never had sex with a man, though their have been plenty of opportunities. I even went through a stage where I was telling myself to just get it over with and have sex and then I wouldn't feel so out of place. I thought something was wrong with me. I would have crushes, huge crushes on girls but would tell myself it was because I wanted to be like them not because I wanted them. I always had guy friends, but if they became attracted to me I would get angry. It was as if they were making me face the fact that I wasn't attracted to them even though I should've been, had I been straight. I always felt awkward when talking about boys... I would lie about who I thought was hot based on what other girls would say. Still I managed to convince myself I was straight, just super picky. Well... I realized I was gay when my sister told me she had kissed a girl and thought she was bi. I remember wanting to start sobbing right then. The first thought that popped into my head was if she's gay, I can't be. I couldnt tell my parents both their daughters were gay. I hate that I thought that way, and I know my parents would be fine... She was just so relaxed about something I was struggling so hard with. Well, she's straight, just very open and a bit bi. But I have spent my first three years of college having attempted to 'hook up' with two guys, both drunk, and both ending with me running away and avoiding all calls. I never date. And its a lot harder to have guy friends in college without out it leading to dating. I've had countless crushes on girls , but I have never acted on any of them. I don't even know if any of them were even bi. There was one girl... When we were drunk we'd be all over eachother but would then pretend it hadn't happened the next day. I'm just sick of this all. I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I want to be dating, I want to meet girls, but I'm terrified of going to any gay outreach center. I just don't know what to do. I just don't want to go on like this anymore. There's a girl that I would love to be with, but she only recently broke up with her boyfriend. I think she may be bi but I don't know and I'm too scared I'll freak her out if I act on my feelings. I'm just so sick of this. I wish more than anything I had just come out in high school. I feel like ive missed my chance, like even if I come out now Id have no one to relate to. I'd just be the gay single girl in the straight world. I don't even know what advice I could be given... Ugh I just don't know...
Posts: 2 | From: new jersey | Registered: May 2008
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It is never too late to come out. I promise. It's also not uncommon for people to come out later in life after having tried for years to 'fit in' by being straight. So, first of all, try to move away from that notion that you've missed some sort of window of opportunity. You totally get to do all of this at your own pace.
Also, there is no need to come out all at once. I would advice you to come out to one person at a time. Have you spoken to your sister? It seems like she would be someone who could be very supportive of you and help you to come to terms with who you are.
Sine you are at college, it's also not too hard to meet fellow non-heteros on campus. If you are not ready to go to GSA meeting, why don't you try contacting them via email or phone? Most GSAs will have an internet site and offer advice and support via e-mail for those of us who are a little too shy to just burst into a meeting. I'm sure you could converse with them via e-mail or even meet a representative one-on-one before facing the whole group.
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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