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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » I Need Help.

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Author Topic: I Need Help.
CobraFang
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Member # 38367

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Ok I wasn't sure where to post this but it's kind of long and I really need some help.

For about a little bit over a year now, I've been pretending to be a bisexual boy on a site called gaiaonline.
Keep in mind that I am a straight female.
Though I think I might be transgender.
Now while I was pretending to be this boy, I happen to fall in love with another boy who is gay/bi. I am not for sure which because he keeps telling different things.
Well, in December of '07 we started to date, online of course.
I found out he has liked me since the time we met which was back in Feb. of '07.
He has bipolar.
But in the time we were dating and have known each other he never once got mad at me for anything up until recently.
In feb. of this year, I came out and told everyone I was a girl.
The boy that I was dating took it badly but he said he still liked me and we were still friends.
Then towards the end of march, he came out and told me he actually prefers girls over boys and asked me back out again. Things were fine for a few weeks until April 18th.
He stopped coming online, he ignored my text messages and any messages I sent him over the site, then 5 days after the 18th, he told me the reason he was ignoring me was because he had been in a very bad mood and did not want to blow up on me, because he knew he might say something he would regret.
A few more days passed and he stopped coming online again. This time for 3 weeks.
He came back online May 7th, saying once again that he was in a bad mood.

He also sent me a message on the site saying something along the lines of "I don't hate you, but then again I do.
I fell in love with the boy you pretended to be, and knowing he doesn't exist really messes me up.
I have no motivation any more to get better." (he's speaking of his bipolar)

He told me also, awhile back that he fell in love with my personality.
The only thing I lied about was my gender.
Anything and everything else I told him about me was true.

He was also my motivation as well to get better, and without him, it's hard to even get out of bed.
I'm so very depressed because I know I messed him up. And I am so sorry for what I did to him but I never lied about loving him.
I love him more than anything.
I don't understand why my gender changes everything though.
And then again I kind of do, 'cause I know what it's like to not be able to love a girl the same way I love a boy.
I really don't mind that we aren't together.
But I want to at least be his friend.
I just want him to be happy again.

But, without talking to him everyday, I get so depressed.
I really need to know what I should do.
Anything to help me sleep at night.
Because this has messed me up just as much as it has messed him up.

Posts: 5 | From: Michigan | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You were not truthful, and got involved with someone being not truthful, not really thinking about his feelings. You are nothing close to the first person in history to do this, and if doing that made someone a bad person, then most of us will be bad people by the ends of our lives.

While it's understandable that you felt it was difficult not to be truthful, and that, effectively, trying on a role online seems to have been important for you -- and while it's vital for anyone to bear in mind that this is one of many reasons why you just don't get super-invested or involved with people you only know online and in no other way -- you were still dishonest.

You did still break a trust. Gender does matter to plenty of people, including you, but my guess is it's less about what the lie was specifically and more about THAT you lied, and did so while you knew someone was getting involved with you thinking you were a different person than the one you presented yourself as. You started "dating" -- took the relationship deeper -- and you still didn't disclose. And if you came out publicly to everyone without also taking the time to tell him first, privately, and give him time to deal, that also would have been a big insult on top of that injury.

And that bit about not getting THIS invested when it's only online? It goes for you, too. I see both of you having out way more into this, and putting it there still, than is smart or all that healthy. neither of you can fix the other one's issues -- you couldn't do that even in an in-person relationship. A person can't fix someone being bipolar. A person can't "fix" someone's gender identity issues. A person can't fix another person's depression, and talking to him everyday isn't a viable treatment for your depression.

So, I'd suggest that you try and simply accept this has played out like it has and do what you can -- on your own and with other supports -- to deal with your issues. Make a promise to yourself to be honest next time you start getting involved with someone, or not to get involved if you know you're in a space in your life or a situation where you can't be honest. Invest time and energy in your own issues in sound ways (and know he needs to do the same: telling you he can't get better because of you isn't sound, since you, no matter what you do or did, didn't have the power to treat his bipolar disorder). After that, you can see if he wants to have a friendship, but I'd go by his own cues here, since -- unless he was dishonest, too -- he was the wounded party in all of this.

[ 05-09-2008, 02:41 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CobraFang
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I'm not saying we were fixing each other's problems, just that we gave each other motivation to do better in life.
There's more that I haven't said, which might make this a bit more understandable, but that is personal that me and him keep to ourselves.

He has also lied about quite a few things as well.

I know I lied, I made a mistake, I know this.
But please don't think badly of me. x.x

Posts: 5 | From: Michigan | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I actually do not think badly of you, which is part of why I'm encouraging you to just grow some acceptance with this. You know you made an error, and it's one you likely won't make again. We're human and all massively imperfect: it happens.

Too, you can find other ways to get motivated, other people to have as support, both of you. neither of you has only each other unless you chose to be that way. And with being bipolar, he needs more help than a peer or partner can give him. With having depression and a gender identity issue, same goes for you. It may well be that this all got so charged because -- especially not knowing each other at all offline -- you both simply asked too much of the other, on top of the dishonesty issues.

Trust can be rebuilt, but I think that if you want a healthy friendship -- as well as both of you handling your own stuff better -- it's going to be best to come back to it after diversifying how you're dealing with those issues more and creating a wider net of help and support.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CobraFang
Neophyte
Member # 38367

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Oh actually, I did tell him first and privately.
Sorry I forgot to mention that. ><;
I didn't tell anyone else until he told me it was ok to.

Posts: 5 | From: Michigan | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, that's good, then. So, you can cross that issue off. But the rest of my advice still stands.

One of my favorite Buddhist writers and teachers says, very simply, "None of us are fine, but we're all okay." I think it might be helpful to bring that sort of attitude with you in accepting what went down here and what the very understandable and expected results have been.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CobraFang
Neophyte
Member # 38367

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Thank you very much for your advice and help.
I feel a lot better.

It's hard for me when I get depressed because I am home schooled and very shy when it comes to making friends, I don't have any friends at the moment.
And I'm home a lot by myself so I really have to no one to talk to about my problems.

Thanks again for your help.

Posts: 5 | From: Michigan | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Have your parents not made external social situations and group outings and such for others who homeschool part of your education? if not, I'd suggest talking to them about it. Socializing is a pretty important part of education, especially for teenagers.

A lot of cities and communities do have already-organized groups expressly for this purpose.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CobraFang
Neophyte
Member # 38367

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Actually, I use to go to public school up until February of last year.
Then I became home schooled because I wasn't doing very well at all in school.
I didn't have friends there either. ._.
My grades were bad as well and I skipped a lot because I really didn't like school because of the fact that I had no friends and most of the kids there would ignore me.

Posts: 5 | From: Michigan | Registered: May 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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