Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » heteroflexible?! (Page 2)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!   This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2   
Author Topic: heteroflexible?!
smokey
Activist
Member # 39760

Icon 1 posted      Profile for smokey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi eryn... I've just read through this entire post.

I can identify with you on all the cultural issues (being of the same nationality as you and seemingly with parents of a similar parenting style) as well as being at the beginning of the same degree, which does make me stressed out... however my sexual orientation is different, but rather than having to deal with my parents not being open to bisexuality and lesbianism I have to deal with them being not so happy with the ethnicity of my boyfriend (he's Caucasian).

If you wanted someone to email or chat to maybe Heather could hook us up?

Posts: 92 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Hey smokey [Smile]
Sure, that sounds good. Its always nice to meet fellow SL's.

(PS: my mother has this amazing ability to start unrelated sentences with the phrase "WHEN you get married..")

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dragontamer
Neophyte
Member # 41051

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Dragontamer     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
hmmn I think hetroflexible's a good term. I mean, I woudln't class myslef as bi, because in real life terms I don't fancy women. Emotionally and physically i'm into men.
BUT for imaginative situations etc I often find myself thinking of women sexually.
Now I wouldn't define myslef as strictly bi, since in relationship terms I only seem drawn to men.
So maybe it's a useful word for people like me *shrugs*

Posts: 18 | From: England | Registered: Nov 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smokey
Activist
Member # 39760

Icon 1 posted      Profile for smokey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Heather, how do eryn_smiles and I go about being able to make contact? Or is that against board policy?
Posts: 92 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Smokey, I'm afraid that our user guidelines do not allow for me or anyone else to share that private information.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smokey
Activist
Member # 39760

Icon 1 posted      Profile for smokey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I thought so... that's a shame
Posts: 92 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I know it can be a bummer sometimes, and for that I'm sorry, but it's simply a rule in place to protect all of our users privacy and personal safety.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me ē Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smokey
Activist
Member # 39760

Icon 1 posted      Profile for smokey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Understandable [Smile] No worries!
Posts: 92 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Smokey:
Sorry, I should have known that about the guidelines. It's ok, we can still talk briefly about things here on the boards. I hope that your exams went smoothly. So, how have your parents reacted to your boyfriend? And how do you manage to deal with it?

Dragontamer:
Usually when we talk about sexual orientation, we are talking about who we are romantically and sexually attracted to in real life. Not really about our imagination or who we fantasise about; People have all sorts of fantasies and I think that there would be many heterosexual women who have lesbian fantasies but don't experience those attractions in real life.

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smokey
Activist
Member # 39760

Icon 1 posted      Profile for smokey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That would be great eryn... I'll start up a new thread in the Relationships group when I have some inspiration [Smile] Right now I'm feeling quite tired from gymming...

Have you started work yet? I'm totally understanding of the having to be married aspect... tbh I'm not entirely sure I want to get married at all yet... but my parents do refer to that period of time with some certainty... I just don't understand why we should have to go through years of medical schooling just to be almost forced into a marriage you don't really want...

How do you feel about your work btw? Gosh my questions are all over the place... haha. Sorry.

Posts: 92 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Hey smokey,

I have started work, and I like it, although it seems a steep learning curve at times. And I wish that uni had prepared me a bit more for what this would be like. There are also times that I wish I could fling my pager through the window [Wink]

I very much feel forced into the hetero marriage path. Not physically but emotionally. Not just from my parents, but from the SL community. Even people who barely know me ask if I have a marriage partner in mind.

Its worse now that I have finished my education for now. It seems that people are ever ready to remind me what a woman's purpose is. It doesn't matter how educated you are, or how good your job is, or how much you are able to help others. If you're not married with a family, you're barely a woman at all.

Today I attempted a second conversation about sexuality with my mother. It was so hard to watch her cry, then wheeze, then refuse to use her inhaler (she got an asthma attack from feeling worked up). Then I got distracted while driving and grated the side of my car against our fence.

She said that she and my father and all our family and the community who cared about me would feel devastated if I had a gay relationship. That the community would not be willing to have us in their homes. That they would lose all respect for me. She said she and my father would feel guilty and blame themselves for the rest of their lives. I asked if it would make it better if I just went overseas so that they didnt have to see it- she said that that would be worse.

I'm feeling like, how can I hurt the people I love more than anything? How can I do this to the people who have done everyhing for me? I feel like it's better for me to get a little hurt. I think that I'm going to really try to encourage the hetero feelings that I sometimes feel towards men. And try not to nurture those other feelings.

It seems so much easier to try and slot into the role that they expect me to live. I think that I could manage it. When I find a SL man I could get along with and talk to, I hope that I can just put my whole heart into being with him and loving him and having children. (It shouldn't be long now, there are many family members looking for partners for me, and I will also be visiting SL soon).

The other possibility seems scary and new and hard and lonely. I don't think I can find a woman to date. I don't even know how to date. I don't think I can bring a woman home. Ever. I don't want to cause all that pain to my family. Nor do I want to subject a girlfriend to my family and community. I don't want to estrange myself from everyone I love. I also don't want to be single for the rest of my life. I want to know what it is like to kiss someone. I do not think that that is too much to ask for.

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tallia7793
Neophyte
Member # 39351

Icon 1 posted      Profile for tallia7793         Edit/Delete Post 
I know it's not really my place to say anything here, but...I understand everything you've said, but please don't forget that if you did fall in love with a woman, there's the possibility of gaining the support and love of *her* family. I know you might not have your family anymore, but I guess my point is that you wouldn't be totally alone.
Posts: 20 | From: Canada | Registered: Jul 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Hi tallia [Smile]
Thanks for your reply, it's true, that's always a possibility.

I would hope that whatever happened, none of us would be totally alone. But sometimes I feel pretty upset and hopeless and it helps to rant and vent a bit.

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
There are times that really hurt me. Like when my mother tried to blame my father for my sexuality as he had not married me off sooner. And when my father said to me "Don't you even think about how this affects us? Do you know how this affects your mother? She can't sleep when she thinks about this. Her blood pressure and diabetes will get worse. She will get depressed again." And he said that if I didnt marry, then they might as well move back to SL. And I told him not to bother, that I could just as easily leave the country. I feel very guilty at times, as if I have failed them. And I wish that I could make it up to them but I dont know how and whether I can. But I dont think that I ever could or would stop loving them.

In happier news, I came out to another friend. She's quite a devout Catholic so I was worried about how she may react. But she was very kind and supportive and seemed to take it in her stride. She works in healthcare like me and told me she has just finished her voluntary training to give out the ECP. I realised that I need to be wary of my own prejudices.

I hope that one day I will be able to talk about my sexuality happily without tears.

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smokey
Activist
Member # 39760

Icon 1 posted      Profile for smokey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Eryn... I'm back [Smile] I took a bit of a hiatus from the boards as I was dealing with my own recurrent bout of depression, but I'm getting better now I think. Just had a lot of changes in the past year so things went bad, then better then back to bad again... but now better haha. Yay [Smile]

I'm replying to this mainly because of something my dad said to me a few days ago... we have been pretty much at war over the fact that I want to go away with my boyfriend's family over the break, whereas my parents don't feel comfortable allowing me to do that even though I'm 20 years old. If you had spoken to me a year ago I would have given in, but I just feel as if I should stick to my guns and do what I feel is right and the best for me. My parents may feel that what they are doing is the best for me, but only I really know I guess... considering I know myself better than anyone.

I find that the hardest part is dealing with the fact that how I behave does impact on my parents' feelings... and I'm unsure whether this really happens so much in Western cultures. I'm finding it difficult to understand how to live in a different culture to the one I have at home and continue friendships and more intimate relationships with other people when I am limited by my parents' belief that it is their job to provide discipline for me until I'm married. I feel that even when I do marry and if it's to someone not of our culture that I will still have to live by my parents' rules, or else they will constantly criticise my own standards of living.

In all honesty I think the person who has helped me the most (although he probably does not know it and finds it incredibly annoying at times) is my boyfriend. I had never felt so unconditionally loved by someone until we started furthering our friendship... even when we were just friends it was like he was on my side, moreso than my regular girl friends had been... I never felt like that with my parents as it always seemed that for them to love me it hinged on me trying to live up to their standards, rather than being given permission to be myself.

It's hard to come to terms with the guilt that my parents' behaviour and reactions regarding me make me feel. But now I feel like I have spent so many years upset and in tears by their behaviour that generally makes me feel like I am worthless... I feel like my quota of feelings in that department has been used up and I am just tired of letting the things they do or say upset me. It isn't that I don't love them... I do... I think I have just found it necessary, being 20, to put up a shield or defence when discussing some matters with them. I'm not sure if that's right or not, but there are just some people I find you can not reason with... as their beliefs are so ingrained that there is really no point.

I'm not sure if all of this makes sense to you... but hopefully it does :S

Posts: 92 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Hello! Nice to hear from you again. Glad to hear that you are feel better and standing up to your family. Your boyfriend sounds really supportive too [Smile] .

I get that part about your parents' feelings. In some ways, I feel the relationship I have with my family is the most important one I will ever have..and to think about estranging them is incredibly scary and isolating. I also fear that if I ever find an intimate relationship not of my parents liking, and then it goes wrong, I cannot hope for any support. That they will say, "you made your bed, now lie in it".

I think it's quite wise to put a defence up sometimes. The last time I saw a therapist, she suggested taking a break from talking with my parents. Just because it really impacted my self-esteem and mood but didn't seem to change their views at all.

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smokey
Activist
Member # 39760

Icon 1 posted      Profile for smokey     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah... I was talking to my psychologist about putting up a defence and things, mainly because her suggestions of talking adult to adult about issues that were worrying me just weren't working. She said something about how there would always be a percentage of people who would not be able to be reasoned with, and I'm beginning to think that my parents are in that category.

I'm a little sad atm because I caused such a fuss about this holiday... and it seemingly caused a bit of a rift between my parents and I, to the extent that they don't seem to care about what I'm doing and how often I go out anymore... which is fine by me as it's what I wanted; but like you I also think that if I ever get into any trouble they will just say 'you made your bed, now lie in it'. I just wish I had parents who would support me no matter what.

The worst part about the rift is that now I'm not sure we'll be going anymore! Haha but it doesn't worry me so much anymore because standing up to my parents has gotten me what I wanted. I'm going to go on an adventure at some point in the future... I'm just not sure when it will fit in with uni and whatnot and who I'll be going with. I'd love to go away with him, but it comes down to him being able to give me some of his time. We're just both so short on time.

Eryn, from what I'm hearing it sounds like your parents can only make you happy when you're living up to their idea of what their daughter should be like... not when you're just being yourself. In my opinion I think you need to focus on making yourself happy... doing things you enjoy... being free... and starting to let go of what your parents want from you. It's so difficult, especially if you don't have an SO to go through it all with, or even just not knowing if this is the SO that things will last with... Sometimes I just wish that I knew if my boyfriend is going to be there for me in 10 years' time. At least if I knew that Id know if I could have a second family in his family.

What worries me the most, like you, is that if things go wrong I'll be left with a fractured relationship with my parents and a break up involving my boyfriend + his family.

I think if anything, what helps the most is knowing that I have a couple of good friends that I can always count on to be my family. Over the past 10 years there have been times that my best friends have been my substitute mother/father. I know this is viewed as a little unhealthy in relationships, but I guess they just give me this incredible support network and I do the same for them.

Posts: 92 | From: Australia | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
(Smokey, I'm sorry I didnt reply to this, I was preoccupied. How are you doing these days?)

This is mostly a vent..

Iíve been called many things before. A bitch, a whore, a fat tart. Iíve been demeaned as a woman and Ďeducatedí about all the things that women cannot and should not do. Iíve heard a few choice terms about Asians and Indians and Ďforeignersí and Ďimmigrantsí. And itís funny that none of that comes close to the pain of hearing my parents tell me that what I am is disgusting and unnatural. That they are so ashamed of who I am that I canít ever talk about it to anyone other than them. Except that I canít really talk to them either. That my sexuality is more important than any other part of me; that it apparently cancels out any good quality I may have possessed, that is how bad it is. What does one do when her mother says having a lesbian daughter makes her suicidal? (I left the house for a while and when I came back we just didnít talk about it anymore). It hurts even more because they could say anything they wanted to me, and I would love them just the same. My love for them, at least, is not conditional. It doesnít make sense, but I wish I could make it up to them somehow, for not being straight.

What do I do when even my closest friends are ambivalent about it? (Likely because I sob each time I talk with them and they worry about me). I donít want to tell anyone else about it anymore. It just gives them the power to hurt me with their homophobia. Iím protecting them but mostly Iím protecting myself. I donít know how many more negative reactions I can take. It sucks when my parents tell me no-one will want to associate with me once they know. It sucks even more because I believe it. And I think Iíll keep pretending to be 100% hetero. And people can ask me whether I have a boyfriend or a fiancťe. And I can smile and shake my head and change the subject every time. I wonít let them see me cry. Is it awful that at times Iím jealous of straight people? That I go to engagement parties and feel happy for the couple but also a little jealous and bitter? Only because theyíre supported and celebrated by their families and the community. And I canít imagine ever having that.

No matter how sad and ashamed I feel, I make myself go out. I want to meet queer women so much. I feel I donít fit in; itís harder to pretend to be white than to pretend to be straight. And I wish that I saw just one other face that looked like mine. I tell myself that if I donít make that effort, Iíll just end up alone and Iíll have no-one to blame except myself. Of course, a part of me believes Iíll end up alone anyway and thatís all I deserve. I used to dream about raising my own family and now it just hurts to think about. I imagine myself going to work each day and taking care of other peoplesí families and other peoplesí children and maybe never experiencing that for myself. I hope that I can handle it. I hope that I can give a little love to all the people I get to meet each day, even when I donít have one person to love a whole lot. I hope that I can love myself a little bit one day too.

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jill2000Plus
Activist
Member # 41657

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Jill2000Plus     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think you need to remember that right now, you are giving your parents a lot of love that they are completely unwilling to give to you, and you are giving them that love despite their bigotry, and they are denying it to you because of their bigotry, not that you aren't already aware of that, but just to reiterate it a little.

Also, what your mom and dad are doing is blatantly manipulative of you, saying someone is making you ill by not wanting to get married or have children (it seems you do want children, but just saying), is really, really wrong. That they are hurt by your autonomy is their own problem, and if they are so utterly opposed to your homo/bisexuality that it makes them ill to think of it (and it may not, parents have a notorious tendency to say whatever is most likely to keep their offspring under their thumb), then that is their own problem as well. I'm sorry if that sounds callous, because I have no intention of devaluing the real and strong love you clearly have for them, nor do I mean to imply that there is nothing good in your relationship, or that they do not care about you at all. But they clearly don't care about you enough to reevaluate the prejudices they've acquired, at the moment (they may some day, and I hope so too, for you and in the interests of homo/bisexuals in general, and because if they do have love for you, it would be a wonderful thing for them to truly nurture it, and I'm sure that loving and supporting your homo/bisexuality would be much better for their health than condemning it) and I'm quite certain that the way they are treating you, is really not good for your physical or mental health either, like you said, your voice is small and your mother's voice is strong, zie may complain about things more than you do, but that doesn't mean zie is justified and you are not. You are a very caring person, and you will find love, I bet. And remember that all that love you have to give, give plenty of to you.

As an incidental note, there are plenty of homo/bisexual women, of all races and countries, who will have absolutely no issue with you not wearing make-up or shaving, or how much of your body it feels comfortable for you to cover up (I question the notion that modesty is of value, but it's up to you to dress as you choose, and no potential sexual or romantic partner, or anyone, should expect your clothes to advertise what you look like naked, just as they shouldn't expect them to carefully disguise that you actually are capable of being naked).

I'm sorry if any of this is unhelpful, and I understand the difficulty of wanting to help your parents very much while they are telling you off for things which they really have no right to, and mocking you, making mean comments safe in the knowledge that you will forgive them, but I just want to say that it is your choice to help your parents, not your obligation, and an important factor in that choice is whether they will value and appreciate your help and you or not, or just tell you what to do with your body and who it is acceptable for you to love all the time, or at any rate make painfully clear that they will ostracize you if you are openly homo/bisexual and don't marry who they want. Being homo/bisexual isn't something you have to make up to someone, it's not like vomiting on your friend's shoes in a drunken stupor.

Also, it's not wrong to be jealous of straight people's privilege, it's quite understandable.

--------------------
Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

Posts: 840 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Wow, thank you for this reply Jill. I read through it a few times.

I'm really struggling with this at the moment. I don't know how else to say it. I just shut down when im talking to my parents about it, its like I've given up. She tells me she hopes "my problem" will go away and that i can meet this man and that man. I don't say anything and they take that as my agreement.

I had a lesbian friend for awhile, she was really good to talk to. But then she lost interest in me. I miss her. Then there are a couple of gay women in other cities/countries. I talk to them occasionally. We email each other. The older woman in particular is very kind to me and encouraging. She gives me hope when I need it. She's also going to be at a lesbian medical conference I am/was hoping to attend. That itself is probably a reason for me to go there. I'm terrified about it though, and I can't really verbalise why. Perhaps it feels like a milestone that i'm not ready for. Then again, I may never be ready..

I know that gay people sometimes talk about making their own family. And maybe that works for them. I dont know, maybe that will work for me? But right now, I can't even imagine a life without them and my extended relatives and the Sri Lankan community in it. They mean so much to me. I can imagine life without a girlfriend, thats all I've ever known. But i cant see a life without them. I dont want to leave them and go overseas but I cant stay here with them and take on all their shame either. They honestly don't want *anyone* they know to know about me. And so the only solution I see is for me to move away from everyone they know...which practically involves leaving the country.

I keep blaming myself for their hurt and for my hurt and for my sexuality. I know it isn't good for me, but I dont know how to stop feeling like this [Frown]

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jill2000Plus
Activist
Member # 41657

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Jill2000Plus     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Not to be patronising, but even if your parents are completely unaccepting, you may find that some other friends or extended family you thought would shun you turn out to be willing to learn quickly if they know someone they care about is homo/bisexual, I'm not telling you to tell anyone if you don't think it's safe or just generally if you don't want to, I'm just saying that if you do decide to come out or start a relationship with a woman thus possibly making this known, you may not have to be without all those from your present community. Of course I don't know these individuals as well as you do, so this is in no way an informed judgement.

I'm glad if I helped in any way, I'm sorry everything is so difficult right now.

Edit: just in the interests of honesty, I'm not sure I can claim to know exactly what it's like when your parents treat you in the way you've described specifically aware that you are likely to forgive them, I've always been fairly likely to be openly angry with my parents if I am angry with them, so when they have said things to me they've been well aware that I might avoid them for a while or argue back straight away and be angry for a few days, or a few months, so I don't know if that's the same, I did have kind of that with one boy I knew in 5th grade. I don't want to make this thread all about me, just to not overstate how much empathy (as opposed to sympathy) I can offer in any instance.

[ 04-12-2009, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: Jill2000Plus ]

--------------------
Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

Posts: 840 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Still finding things tough. I've started withdrawing into myself more. Not even trying to meet other gay people. Just spending time with my family, pretending to be straight, trying to assuage my guilt for hurting them.

Feeling that I have worth only in my job, and so spending longer than necessary working. Trying to trick myself that I don't need a social life. Tearing up when people ask me about having a partner.

Still lusting after random women and wishing I wasn't, feeling ashamed.

Wishing like crazy that I had a friend I could speak openly to about this. And yet, being too afraid to come out to anyone else. Worrying that it'll just give them more opportunity to hurt me and reject me. Call me unnatural and the result of much bad karma.

Hoping so much that one day someone will see past all my shame and fear and still want me. Hoping that my family will keep me in their lives because I cant really imagine a life without them in it. Hoping that i can keep hanging on, every day, even when its hard.

[ 04-20-2009, 07:10 AM: Message edited by: eryn_smiles ]

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
melisma
Neophyte
Member # 42582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for melisma     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, dear. *hugs*

It sounds like you're getting pulled into a downward spiral - not wanting to see anyone because of your guilt and shame and depression, and having that get worse because you're not seeing anyone. (I know that downward spiral well.) And I don't really know how one breaks out of it.

I can only imagine how hard it must be to really love your family and know that if you were truly to be yourself, they would reject you. But I can't help saying that, as Jill200Plus said, what they are doing is not okay.

So many parents think that it is acceptable to try to control their children's lives, and to demand that their children love them unconditionally and give them certain things no matter what their own behavior is like. A relationship where there is that kind of one-sided control is not a healthy relationship; no one has the right to own another person that way.


I haven't seen this movie yet myself, but from what I've heard of it, it depicts a similar kind of situation to the one you're in or may someday be in. It's a documentary about Orthodox Jews who are gay or lesbian and how they try to reconcile their sexuality with their religion and family /community norms.

Posts: 12 | From: MA | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you [Smile] *hugs*
At the moment, just trying to keep talking about this and everything without shutting myself in completely. Also going in to talk to my GP. It's hard but she's usually very understanding.

I feel it's not so simple as just family trying to control children. There's a great deal of cultural stigma and shame that will be on them as well. In some ways, it is harder for them than for me. While I can leave the community, they cannot do so very easily.

(Is this a direct link to the movie? It seems to take ages to download..)

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
melisma
Neophyte
Member # 42582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for melisma     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
<a href="http://www.joost.com/37rrmb3/t/Trembling-Before-G-d">Here</a> is another link to the movie. These are both streaming video sites.
Posts: 12 | From: MA | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
Peer Ambassador
Member # 35643

Icon 1 posted      Profile for eryn_smiles         Edit/Delete Post 
Things have overall been better for me lately. Making an effort to socialise more (went out on three *school nights* this week), saw a few films with friends at the queer film festival and realised that maybe I'm not as isolated as I feel sometimes. Also being more open with people about who I am and less scared. Gaining confidence at work...and am apparently seen dancing around my ward at times [Smile]

Having a couple of issues though. Having told my parents I would try to compromise with them, I'm currently starting to date a man who lives overseas. He is perfect in their eyes! I find him kind and funny but feel no less attracted to women. I hate misleading him by acting like I'm perfectly happy to be going out with him, thinking towards a marriage..when really, I'm still finding out what I'm into and trying new things. Is there any kind way to broach this with him early without actually breaking off the relationship? I don't know, perhaps it is better to end it now as he's a bit older than me and likely looking to settle down very soon?

Secondly I'm going back to Sri Lanka soon for a visit. (The civil war there ended recently and the atmosphere should be very different. There are also many displaced civilians and orphans in refugee camps. I hope with all my heart that we can have some unity for a change). I will need to be strong because *everyone* will ask about timing of my marriage plans and homosexuality really is invisible. Any ideas about a standard answer to give, preferably one that doesn't invite further questioning? (I can't use the "I'm concentrating on my education" one anymore..) I also don't particularly want to involve this man in my conversations- its such a new relationship..

Cheers everyone, I appreciate the support and advice.

--------------------
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."

Audre Lorde

Posts: 1326 | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
  This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3