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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Am I bisexual?

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Author Topic: Am I bisexual?
Member # 38080

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I have been dating my boyfriend for almost four years and we've been having intercourse for almost one. Before that we did other things like oral sex. The problem is I have never been able to reach an orgasm with him. We talk about the problem, but we haven't been able to find a solution. He does everything I ask him to and it feels AMAZING but I can never climax! I don't think the problem is mental because I'm so comfortable around him and tell him everything. Except the fact that I masturbate to porn of women. He knows I masturbate, but he's so disapproving of porn that I can't bring myself to tell him that I look at it, especially since it is of women.

The combination of not being able to orgasm with him and the fact that I'm incredibly able to orgasm when looking at porn makes me wonder if I am a lesbian. However, I have never had a crush on a girl and since I've been wondering about this I've tried to picture myself in a relationship with a woman and I can't. I am incredibly fulfilled with my boyfriend (except in this department), but I need insight on whether I might be bisexual and how much I should tell him.

Posts: 1 | From: United States | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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If your boyfriend has been your only sexual partner, I think that it might be premature in the sense that one partner of one gender isn't a very good representative for all people of that gender.

In other words, if your next partner is female and you can't reach orgasm with her, will you presume you're not lesbian, bisexual or heterosexual?

Lesbian porn -- even the kind made BY lesbians, which you may not have ever seen since it's tough to find: most porn with women in it having sex is made by men, for men, and is often seriously unrealistic when it comes to what sex between women is like -- isn't a good benchmark for figuring out these feelings either. And most of us will tend to be able to get off more easily with masturbation, just because a) we've had years of practice and b) the pressure is so much lower when we're alone.

If you've never felt any attraction to real women, in real life, and can't picture yourself being with real women (though some of that is often taught homophobia), I think that deciding your lack of orgasm is about being lesbian doesn't make a whole lot of sense. If being with women only appeals sexually, and only even appeals sexually when it's not only a fiction, but one that isn't even penned/directed by the women it's about, I wouldn't see bisexuality looming large here. If we were talking about feelings for real women, feelings of very much emotionally and sexually and romantically identifying with, feeling drawn to, other women, that'd be something else, but it seems you're not.

But I do think that honesty with your partner is often a big barrier, and not being able to share with them what DOES get you off is always a big barrier to getting off with a partner. You say you tell him everything in the same post where you make clear you don't tell him something that could be pretty crucial, you know?

So, I think just for you and the relationship, it's time to talk about this. Both about your concerns with bisexuality, about feeling you can't say you use porn -- and you can acknowledge that you both don't have to get behind that, either -- and talking about what might help get you to orgasm. If you haven't already, showing him what you do when you masturbate will likely help out in the orgasm department, too.

If I can also make a suggestion? If you are really questioning your orientation but your only exposure to anything GLB is man-made girl-girl porn it might be helpful to cut back on some of that (or at least get a reality check) and take a look at some more realistic presentations, and not just ones about sex. After all, being lesbian or bisexual isn't just about sex: that's only one aspect. "Bi Any Other Name," is a good anthology collection of written work that I think might be helpful to you, or Jennifer Baumgardner's "Look Both Ways."

In any case, if you can get off by yourself, then there isn't a physical problem here. It's either emotional/psychological -- remember that most of arousal, which gets us to orgasm, is -- or you two just haven't found what to do together yet which really does get you there.

[ 04-20-2008, 02:17 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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