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Author Topic: how do i come out?
Member # 37517

Icon 9 posted      Profile for danda     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
hi, well i need help figuring out what my real orientation is: either bi or lesbian. i know for a fact im not straight.
well im thinking of coming out to my friends at school but that is very hard for me because they are really close minded.
i know i have to come out because i feel like im lying to all the people i love and care about, including myself.
well whats really bugging me is that i dont know whether to come out as bisexual or as lesbian. i guess i AM more attracted to girls and i even think im in love with one of my best friends.
i think maybe unconsciously id rather come out as bisexual to avoid some names, rejection, and stuff like that, but what if im really lesbian and id be just lying again?
im worried about not liking boys the same way i like girls, i still think some guys are cute and all but what about that friend of mine and other crushes i have on girls i know?
anyway id be really helpful to hear some of your experiences and/or advices... it would help a ton!! thx

Posts: 15 | From: mexico | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37106

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Niki     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No one fits 100% into any category. Labels are just labels, and whatever you decide to identify with is perfectly okay. And who's to say you can't change later, anyway? Your sexual orientation is a preference, just like anything else, and its okay if you decide that you're more lesbian than bisexual, for example, after you come out.
Posts: 32 | From: Earth | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I think it's important to bear in mind that you're not the only person you know who will ever be in this stuation. Some friends you ahve now who ID as astright now will later ID as gay, lesbian or bisexual. Someone you know now who currently IDs as gay may later ID as bi, someone you know now who currently IDs as bi may later ID as lesbian.

Sexuality is fluid, and young adulthood is a time of big sexual development, so not being 100% sure not only is often a given, through your whole life you may never be 100% sure. That's okay. What's important is that however you choose to ID at a certain time is based on what feels most true to you -- not based in avoiding name-calling, or based in choosing what you think will be the least provocative or the most likely to stick later. You can only know about now, and choosing what fits now and possibly discovering later in life you feel like something else isn't lying: you can't predict the future. I said I loved cheese in high school, but later I developed an allergy and if I eat cheese now I get violently ill, so anymore, I can't stand cheese and will even go so far as to call it evil. [Smile] That doesn't mean I was lying back when, it means that all I could know about was my life and tastes at the time.

If that means, for instance, that lesbian feels most true to you, but you're scared about harassment, then the best answer may be to live with that ID in your own head for a bit, or with a person you know to be discreet and trustworthy, then coming out more widely later when you feel more secure. Make sense?

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37797

Icon 1 posted      Profile for LM     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Danda totally in the same boat mate....
but i'm deff not ready to come out yet, cos i'm still rather confused with myself...

anyone got any advice?

k this is basically it......

16 yr old female, aaand i didn't realize i started liken other girls till about 2 years ago. the only girl i really liked was one of my best mates...and i liked her for about a year. I still find guys attractive just in a different way...hard to explain. Since i got over liking my freind i havn't really LIKED a girl since....i been attracted to them but not fancied.

Quite a few times at partys when ive had a bit to drink i tend to get rather flirty with my mates. But always restrain myself from trying anything on with the ones i'm attracted to because i'm worried it might ruin our freindship. But on several occasions a couple of my 'girl' freinds have come on to me and ive ended up makeing out with a few of them....the next morning i never mension the subject to them and kind of act like it never happened...even tho i really want to talk about it....but i know that they'll use the old ' i was so drunk i dont remember' exuse, which kind of annoys me.

All my girl mates are girly, and i'm more of tomboy, always with the lads and almost seen as one of them wen we go mates are quite narrow minded to be honest and i know if i come out it would be a massive deal, and i dont want the attention. But i also want to be in an atmosphere where i can truly be myself...

I dunno wether to class myself as bisexual ive only really liked one girl, and have only been attracted to a few. What ive noticed with myself liking other girls is that when i'm atracted to them i am REALLY attracted to them but i'm not attracted to many...Unlike blokes which in general i find more blokes 'hot' just not as 'hot' as those few girls i have been attracted to..(hope that didnt confuse you) i dont really no were i stand i think i need to find a girl i like and who likes me and find out for myself..but how am i suppose to do that when i dont know who is bi and who isn't?...aaah serious confusion on my part....

any advice would be THANKFULLY apprciated!!


take it easy

Posts: 1 | From: London | Registered: Apr 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37517

Icon 1 posted      Profile for danda     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
hey LM i totally know what you mean...

im 15 and i had never even thought about me being bi or lesbian until 2 months ago. these have been the hardest of my life because ive been trying to figure out what i am just in order to know what im going to come out as to my friends.

no one knows so far but im really considering to come out to my friends this month cause im going for 4 days to houston on this trip i won and i think its better to come out and then go away to take it easy, relax and think what to do when i get back. plus, it'll give them time to take it in, i dont want the attention either.

i think im also in love with one of my best friends, shes soo great and i love being around her, shes the kind of friend that hugs all the time and she tells me she loves me, which makes things even harder. when she says this to me i always think to myself: "just not the way i do"

what should i do i mean should i tell her even though theres a chance she'll change her behavior towards me i just dont want to loose her as a friend!...

i also think this would all be easier if i knew someone who was gay or bi.. but unfortunately i dont have a really big group of friends.

if anyone feels in this same situation it'd be helpful to talk...
my mail is:
[Edited. Please review the guidelines.

[ 04-03-2008, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: -Jill ]

Posts: 15 | From: mexico | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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