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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Am I bi?? Confused, majorly.

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Author Topic: Am I bi?? Confused, majorly.
confusedxx
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Member # 37740

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After my friend came out to me about being bisexual I've been wondering whether I am, too.

I dont find kissing girls disgusting, but I wouldn't do it. I comment on girls being pretty and about me being jealous of their prettiness, but I don't say that they're sexy or hott as I do for guys.

I've been giving myself positions in which I'd think about and see what I'd do. For example if a gorgeous girl started flirting with me, would I flirt back? Maybe. Probably not.

If a girl started "touching me" (not THAT way, like my waist and stuff), I'd be disgusted. But I wouldn't mind getting felt up by a guy...(:

Are these signs of bisexuality or just me being really paranoid (I've been known for worrying about the smallest things, lol). [Confused]

Thanks!

Posts: 3 | From: USA bby. | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
mishi04
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It doesn't sound to me like you're bisexual from what you have said, but I may not know the full story. Maybe you could just be 'bi-curious', theres nothing wrong with experimenting.

A lot of my friends are gay or bisexual, or are trying to figure out what their orientation truly is, and it's made me wonder from time to time whether or not I could be interested in girls too as well as guys. Right now, I'm pretty happy with my boyfriend, but there have been times before in the past when I've thought, 'Hmmm, maybe I could like girls too'.
I think the best way to really know is to just experiment and see what works. If a girl turns you on then cool, if not, it's nothing to worry about. There's nothing wrong with you, and there's nothing wrong with your friend.

Just because friends may be gay or bisexual shouldn't make you feel like you need to be that way too, just go with how you feel. Don't worry too much about it.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I noticed in the version of this question you left on the main site that you added this to these questions: "I wouldn't do anything sexual with a girl although lesbian porn turns me on. And making out with a girl doesn't strike me as disgusting but I, for one, wouldn't do it. I've been giving myself positions that I might be in and thinking about how I'd respond to them. For example if a really gorgeous girl came up to me and started flirting, would I follow? Possibly. Probably not. And if a girl was really nice to me, like REALLY REALLY nice to me, would I develop a crush? If it was a guy I would but I'd probably just treat her like a really good friend. I don't want to be bisexual because it'd make my life complicated. I know that I should just accept myself if I am bisexual, so I don't need to be informed of that. And I don't have anything against them, its just that I wouldn't WANT to be."

I think it's helpful with some of that latter stuff to look at it were it framed about something else that is unchangeable about a person. (I don't intend to be inflammatory in doing the following, by the way, nor is this intended to shame you: rather I just think it can illuminate some things.)

What if we switched some of that so that it was about being of color, and it read like so:

"I don't want to be black because it'd make my life complicated. I know that I should just accept myself if I am black, so I don't need to be informed of that. And I don't have anything against them, its just that I wouldn't WANT to be."

Looking at that in that different way, can you see that that statement would still have a good deal of racism in it? (Just like saying the same about bisexuality has a good deal of biphobia or homophobia?) That it'd be a pretty sad way -- even if it was understandable as an oppressed class -- for a black person to feel? That if one's life was made complicated by being of color, it doesn't make much sense to make that be about you as a person, but instead, to look at what in culture might make it so difficult, and identify that those very attitudes are part of why?

In other words, I do think it's pretty clear you have some internalized homophobia or biphobia going on: lots of people do, including lots of people who are bisexual or homosexual. It's so, so prevalent in our world, it can be pretty hard to avoid picking up any or not having to work through some, no matter your orientation.

Besides making things tougher for those of us who aren't straight, those phobias can also make it a whole lot tougher to figure out what your own orientation is, even if you ARE feeling like you're straight. For instance, if one alternative is abhorrent to us, we might be inclined to choose the other in part because it's just not as abhorrent, rather than because it's really where our desire lies. I think until you can get past the idea of being disgusted -- because really, sexual aversion has never been found to come from anything besides fear or bias, it's not about desire -- it's going to be pretty hard to figure out exactly how you really do feel.

It's also worth remembering that most folks are raised as straight by default, so no matter our orientation, it can seem as if it feels more natural to feel opposite-sex attraction, even when that's not actually all that authentic for us: it feels more natural because we've often been groomed to feel that way about it from our earliest ages.

Where do you think these feelings of disgust are coming from? Was your family and community homophobic or biphobic? Were those orientations presented as equally natural and acceptable orientations to heterosexuality? Why do you feel like being bisexual would be more complicated than being heterosexual (hint: for those of us who are, it'd be a lot more complicated to try and be something else)?

Why are you worried you might be bisexual? What I'm hearing here, honestly, is not a strong desire for either sex on your part -- you say you wouldn't mind being touched by a guy, but you don't express being all that thrilled about it, either. But on the whole, what I don't see is you expressing a strong desire to be with women sexually or emotionally, and THAT is the benchmark of having opposite-sex attraction. Not what would or would not both us, but what very much interests and excites us. Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
confusedxx
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You know, that does make sense. And I guess I do have homophobia/biphobia. Its just how I am, you know?

I've heard that teenagers have these types of feelings due to hormones. Is this true?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Younger people do tend to be less selective about sexual partners, but that's not just about gender. However, hormones don't cause any of this, nor do hormones influence orientation. We also know who we're attracted to, for the most part: when we feel attraction, it's usually fairly undeniable and easy to identify, even if it does (or does not) make us uncomfortable. So, if your friend came out to you, take her at her word.

Sure, sexuality is somewhat fluid, so who knows: a few years from now, she may come to the conclusion she's lesbian or that she's straight, just like you or someone who feels straight now may come to the conclusion that you're bisexual or gay. As well, know that very few people are 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual: for the vast majority of people, there will be at least some attraction to people of all genders, and since who we partner with is about more than gender, sometimes, we fall in love with a person based on so many other factors, gender just isn't very relevant.

Know, too, that any kind of bias or bigotry is learned: none of us are born with those biases, or are "just like that" when it comes to bias -- people aren't born racist, sexist or homophobia -- we learn them. We can also UNlearn them, which is pretty awesome. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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