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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » So, this is complicated.

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Author Topic: So, this is complicated.
Member # 37411

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Alright, here goes.. Well, something, I hope.
I am a 19-year old girl, and I have been in a stable, loving relationship with my boyfriend for almost seven months. He is wonderful, and definitely the best in my long history of bad/abusive/moronic boyfriends. He always makes me feel good, even when I can't really communicate what it is that is bothering me. He is one year older than me, and we live together.
Now, I had a dalliance when we had been dating for about 3 months. While really out of it (substance-wise), I kissed a long time male friend of mine. The thing was, I was sleeping and I woke up into the kiss. I'm almost certain he started it, and when I tried to pull away, he would just keep pulling my face back. The thing was, I was so disoriented from the previous activities, I at first thought it was my boyfriend who was kissing me, even though I was on vacation and he was about 1000 miles away. Still, who would be kissing me otherwise? I was not the fastest to try to pull away, and I have been ashamed ever since. However, I confessed over the phone almost immediately to my boyfriend, and through many tears and discussions, we have since gotten through it, and are much stronger because of it.
The thing is, since that time, I have not really been attracted to guys as much (my boyfriend being the obvious exception.. he still gets me going every time). Before this whole mess, I had been a little bit curious and always open to whatever came along, but I don't think I had ever had a real crush on a girl, until my friend.. Let's call her Scarlet, for anonymity's sake. I met her in my first semester of college (sept of this year), and was immediately struck by a huge attraction to her, something I had never felt for a girl before. I didn't reveal this, however, because at this point I was with my boyfriend, and I figured it would blow over. Scarlet and I became fast friends, and have been ever since. I have since learned that she is gay, and now she is in a relationship with one of my best female friends. The thing is, we have both openly professed to liking each other, to each other. . When we talked about it, we both agreed that we would be hurting people that we dearly loved if anything were to happen now, but that perhaps in future we will be able to explore our attraction further. I think about her a lot, sometimes in a sexual manner, but mostly I just have this little ache in me when I think about her.
Now, back to the whole not being attracted to boys anymore bit. I think this has a great deal to do with the whole guy friend situation, because after that happened, I was just absolutely torn. I hated him for doing this, because he knew I had a boyfriend. I felt so betrayed, but not only by him; by myself as well. I'm over it now, because of my wonderful boyfriend. However, as I said: virtually all attraction to boys is gone, the exception being my boyfriend, while attraction to girls, especially Scarlet, blossoms wildly.
Another twist: my boyfriend knows about most of this. He knew when I first liked Scarlet, but he said he was okay with it because he knew I wouldn't do anything, and so do I. He also knows about the whole not liking boys anymore thing, but he says that he loves me for who I am, and that gender and sexuality don't have anything to do with it... We just go really well together. This makes it a lot easier.
So I suppose the root of the issue here is that I feel guilty about how much I think about girls, especially Scarlet. This is not to say that I don't think about my boyfriend a lot. He takes up a lot of my mental space as well, and I love him to pieces. I am just worried about what happened before, with the other boy, because I had never, ever cheated on anyone before. I felt so lost, and out of control when that happened, and I don't want it to happen again. Is it wrong how much I think about girls while in a committed relationship with a wonderful guy? I have no intention of doing anything to jeopardize the relationship, but.. There's always a but.

PS If you have read this far, I commend you. [Smile]

Posts: 6 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'm heading to bed now, so I'll give you the Cliff's Notes.

Straight people often think of other opposite-sex people too, or find many of them attractive, when they're in loving relationships where they choosing to be monogamous.

And all the rest of us are no exception. Because who the people you're thinking about are same-sex really isn't any different. It's normal for people to be attracted to more folks than their partner: monogamy is simply the choice to be with one in a romantic or sexual relationship exclusively. [Smile]

None of that has any bearing on if you stay monogamous or not: that's all about making choices, and which ones you make. Being attracted to other people doesn't compel us to have to choose to be with them if we want to be monogamous.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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