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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Straight... but gay occurrences...

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Author Topic: Straight... but gay occurrences...
crazyhistory
Neophyte
Member # 36576

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INTRO

I'm trying to analyze my sexual history. I will try and make this long and confusing story short. I'm a 23M from the midwest. That grew up in a close christian family where the closeness of family was emphasized. My dad and I did lots of things: fishing, baseball, basketball, but I was never really that good at sports, I excelled at music and I now play piano, guitar, drums, etc. My mom was always a control freak and got me into 'modeling' at about age 8. I was a cute kid but that didn't last long.

EARLY CHILDHOOD

The first occurrence I remember was with a neighbor kid when I was about 6. We were playing in the field of dirt and corn behind our houses and we must have loved being alone and free and ended up showing each other our penises. For some reason we fondled each other and put our mouths on each others penises. We were both young how could we even know to do that?
Another occurrence was with a different neighborhood boy in which we were in my basement and dared each other to walk to the stairs and back with our pants down. Seemingly harmless. I was still about 6 or 7 years old.
Another occurrence with yet another neighborhood boy, and while I was the same age, was again, a simple showing of our penises and that's all.
A final occurrence around this age was at school when 5 guys went into a bathroom stall and all of us showed each others penises.
On the straight side I remember kissing a girl in pre-school, asking a girl out in kingergarten (even though "going out" in kindergarten is pointless), and flirted with the most popular girls all through elementary school. In 4th grade I had my first true girlfriend and we went to movies together, talked on the phone, and had kissed several times. In middle school, I was convinced that I needed to be less outgoing because 'popular girls' like serious older guys. I ended up having less friends but made friends with several guys in the drumline at school.

MIDDLE SCHOOL

In 6th grade a neighborhood friend and I showed each other our penises at his house. We fondled each other gave each other oral each day for a couple weeks after school and during the summer. It ended without discussion and we never went back to it. It was in 6th grade that my I saw my brother looking at porn on the internet and I began to look myself.
Also in 6th grade I got a girlfriend and for several weeks I rode to her house a couple miles away on my bike and she had the first breasts I had ever touched. We played quite a bit, and had dry sex (humping) but didn't do much else. I dated her again in 8th grade after a break.

HIGH SCHOOL

In high school I joined the drumline with the same friends from middle school. As a freshman I dated probably 5 or 6 different girls across the year. We had kissed a lot but nothing much developed from these relationships. As a sophomore I dated two girls, one for about 6 months. Sexually I fingered her and she had given me a handjob plenty of times.
My parents never let me go out to parties and I struggled with that quite a bit. I felt that was the reason I never had a lot of friends and ended up drinking midway through high school.
I met a girl online and dated her for about 7 or 8 months until I found out that she had given me herpes. I gave her a promise ring, but later realized that wasn't the right thing to do and eventually ended things with her.
My high school sweetheart and I dated for 8 months until she left for basic training. On our graduation night we ended up together until I passed out in her bed and we tried our relationship again during the summer but it didn't work out.
During that summer three of my friends from drumline would watch porn at night sometimes and we might masturbate under the covers. After this occurred many times on different nights, one of my friends and I ended up talking about "finishing each other off". We did it using our hands, and then again a couple nights later. One night we orgasmed in each others mouths but neither of us liked it.

COLLEGE

I began college and was immediately partying and hanging out with loads of girls. My first year I had sex with probably 5 or 6 girls. Near the end of my first year I began smoking pot and this began a trend of less friends and less girls and keeping emotions to myself, using the pot as a crutch.
I think I may have a problem with keeping male friends because of my past. I've always been fine keeping female friends, but non-pot-smoking friends were hard to find. I joined a fraternity and then got in plenty of trouble and ended up getting sent home to live and commute to college.
What is going on with my sexual history? I don't think I'm gay and I'd like to think that I'm not bisexual either. I don't look to men for "comfort", I don't feel emotionally connected with any men and never have. I've always had strong emotions with the girls that I've dated. I still have a problem with looking at porn and I flirt with girls on the internet even though I have a girlfriend of 2 years right now.

*** SO...... ***

Are my current porn problems and desire to flirt with girls online (basically get them to the point to where they admit they like me but not do anything with them) connected to my past? What worries should I have because of my past? I feel guilty every day because of what I've done and feel so confused and ashamed. What is wrong with me? Does anyone have any help?

Posts: 2 | From: Midwest | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Even in the case that you are gay or bisexual, sexual orientation does not in and of itself cause anyone to want pornography or have problems with porn, nor does it influence whether or not someone flirts with others.

As well, early childhood same-sex activity is normal and common among people of all orientations, and doesn't dictate sexual orientation. Men of all orientations engaging in pornography use together also doesn't mean anything about orientation: strip clubs are full of straight men effectively masturbating in the same room, after all.

However, if you feel ashamed or guilty about any of these things, or are having homophobia, any of those things could certainly cause you problems or distress.

So, what exactly are you finding problematic right now? What would you prefer to be doing differently?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Light
Activist
Member # 32327

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So, to answer your questions.
Are my current porn problems and desire to flirt with girls online (basically get them to the point to where they admit they like me but not do anything with them) connected to my past?
Undoubtably, the sum total of your experinces make up a lot of who you are. Did any specific incident in your past cause these? Not from what you've told us, but that doesn't really matter, does it? You're here now, and that is what you have to deal with and accept. Incidently, Neither of those seem like major problems unless you're doing them obsessively. I could see your partner taking issue with the flirting, but it's not something that should cause you shame.

What worries should I have because of my past? I feel guilty every day because of what I've done and feel so confused and ashamed. What is wrong with me? Does anyone have any help?

It seem to me that you are taking a normal, if promiscous youth and viewing it through a homophobic lens, which is why you feel guily, confused, and ashamed. Let me say this again : You have nothing to be ashamed of! There is nothing wrong with homosexuals, homosexual sex or straight guys with some homosexual experiences in their past. Actually, childhood experiences such as yours are quite common, and it doesn't "mean that you are gay" or anything like that.

However, their is one thing that is wrong, which is discriminating against someone or thinking less of them because of which consenting adults they choose to sleep with. Lose the homophobia, and you'll feel much better.

[ 01-16-2008, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: Light ]

Posts: 70 | From: Nova | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
crazyhistory
Neophyte
Member # 36576

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I really didn't think I was homophobic. I personally have nothing against, or discriminate against, anyone that chooses to be with someone of the opposite sex. The real issue here was just years of thinking about this and this was the first time I expressed it to anyone. That's a lot of years of questioning my own sexuality but at the same time letting it build stress and anxiety inside me. Let me say I appreciate you both reading my story and commenting on it. It's a relief to read the opinions of others. I also think you helped point out a question... 'what is the problem?' If I had some incidents in my past, so what, right? Those alone don't determine or define my sexual orientation. What determines my sexual orientation is how I think and feel right now. I had read before that it is common for adolescent teens and even children to experiment like this or to have homosexual experiences.

Concerning the pornography issue, I do think that an exposure to sexual awareness at a younger age and sexual activity primes one to the acceptance and enjoyment of sexual images and acts. Sometimes it felt as though since no one knew about my history, viewing porn was a way to escape into that world that no one knew, where I could possibly figure out what was bothering me.

My next question would be, is it necessary at any level to discuss any of this (my history) with my current girlfriend? At what point is it important vs. none of her business?

Posts: 2 | From: Midwest | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You know, you're not really describing sexual activity that is really that out of the ordinary for a lot of children. It is developmentally normal for children to, amongst themselves, explore their child sexuality. And showing genitals to one another isn't really even sexual: it's simply whole body-based curiosity. If children put their mouths on genitals, it tends to be because young children remain incredibly oral for some time, and it's simply one of the ways they explore pretty much any object around.

(I worked in ECE for close to a decade before I started doing what I did here, so it's something I'm very well-versed in.)

And that kind of child exploration has been going on for as long as we can fathom, and among women as well, so it's a pretty flawed idea to sugge4st it's responsible for viewing pornography, or having issues with pornography. Make sense?

For certain, childhood sexual experiences are known to be part of our adult sexuality, but that's the case for everyone, and your experiences are not ones I would class as particularly uncommon or unusual.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Light
Activist
Member # 32327

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I'm sorry I accused you of homophobia, I drew the wrong message from your post. I thought you were saying you felt guilty about the gay parts, but now that you cleared it up, I see that is not what you meant.
Posts: 70 | From: Nova | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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