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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Confused about sexuality (sort of) Pt.1

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Author Topic: Confused about sexuality (sort of) Pt.1
LBelle22
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Okay, so I'm 15 and although I realize that I'm young and have my whole life ahead of me to be making such decisions, I still can't help it. I've always been attracted to men(take in mind here that I'm a female) but for a while now, since I was 12 I've noticed that I have a strong attraction to women as well. I realize that there is nothing wrong with this, although I am a bit...I guess you could say scared. I'm not sure how my parents would react(my father is a VERY strict Army man, and my mom, well she's a whole other story), and even if they don't accept me for who I am I don't feel as though I need their approval. But I'm getting way, way, way ahead of myself now.
First off, whenever I think about my future(marriage, kids, etc.) I see myself with a man. But, on the other hand at times I can see myself with am women. This can create a whole lotta confusion for me. Does anyone else feel this way, or is it just me?
I only have one semi-friend who is bisexual, although I honestly think she's just doing it as a fad. Is there anyone here who is bi that I can talk to?
Does anyone have any advice when it comes to diving into the dating pool as a bisexual. I have no idea where to meet people(friends, potential love interests etc.)who can relate to what I'm going through. I'm not picky or anything, it's just that there is no one at my school that I'd even remotely consider dating (they're just not mature enough nor responsible, almost every girl in my school is knocked up).
Also(and I promise I'll stop asking questions after this one), how do you tell someone you're dating your bi whether they're a man or woman, is it even politically correct to do so?

P.S.
I will be so very grateful for any responses!!! Please do respond, I can use all the advice I can get. Thanks in advance!

- Lauren [Wink]

Posts: 40 | From: Providence, RI | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
eryn_smiles
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Hi Lauren, im kind of confused with sexuality myself but i'll give this a go ;-p

I can also see myself sometimes with a man and sometimes with a woman. I think its pretty unusual for someone to be completely hetero or homosexual.

You say you're not really interested in dating people at school but theres heaps of other ways to meet people. Do you have outside hobbies or sports or volunteer activities? If you are specifically looking for other bisexual girls to talk to, you could go along to a GLBT youth group. I've heard they can be really good although not all areas have them.

With your last question, my opinion is that it would be important to tell someone you're having a relationship with that you're bisexual. Would you want your partner to tell you? I think if i was telling someone, I'd say something like "at the moment im attracted to both guys and girls, and i'm still working out things in my own mind"

hope this helps, good luck

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plain milyeh
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quote:
Originally posted by LBelle22:
First off, whenever I think about my future(marriage, kids, etc.) I see myself with a man. But, on the other hand at times I can see myself with am women. This can create a whole lotta confusion for me. Does anyone else feel this way, or is it just me?

i think a lot of people feel this way. it makes sense, if you think about the fact that, from the sounds of it, you were raised with the understanding that marriage and family are hetero-based concepts. somebody recently mentioned at a meeting i was in how essential it is to her to be reminded that "there are sane queer adults". yes, having other queer youth as friends us *awesome*, and i'm certainly not implying (nor was she), that we're all insane, but like all young people, we can be a little bit unstable, and all the baggage that often gets tied to questioning your sexuality/coming out/dealing with harassment/et cetera doesn't exactly help. you just have to keep reminding yourself that just because you're not seeing something represented does not mean it doesn't exist. so basically: yes virginia, there are sane queer adults. lots of them are happily married with many adorable children, too. you can be any kind of queer adult you want to be, really. honest.

quote:
Also(and I promise I'll stop asking questions after this one), how do you tell someone you're dating your bi whether they're a man or woman, is it even politically correct to do so?
experience tells me it's best to get this subject out of the way before i start dating (or getting otherwise romantically/sexually involved with) somebody. if they've got questions about it, i want to have them already answered before funtime starts. believe me, it is difficult to have an in-depth conversation about your specific sexual identity *while* you are makin' out. [Wink] although, that's not nearly as bad as finding out *afterwards* that the person you just made out with is a homophobe/biphobe/has some messed up assumptions about you.

in terms of how you bring it up...it's kind of tricky if you're not generally out, i guess. once you've been out for a while, and you're less completely nervous about every single person's reaction, it tends to just slip naturally into conversation (ex- "bla bla bla, my ex-girlfriend/boyfriend...", "this one time at a pride parade...", "that is my favourite movie because i pretty much want to marry both the romantic leads", et cetera)...which leads to some raised eyebrows and awkward blinks every so often, but generally people figure it out, and you can sorta guage how comfy they are with the idea, whether you're interested in them or not.

[ 11-28-2007, 06:52 PM: Message edited by: plain milyeh ]

Posts: 108 | From: caaaaanada. ('cause we've got rocks and trees and trees and rocks...) | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Milyeh spoke to this very nicely, but...

quote:
First off, whenever I think about my future(marriage, kids, etc.) I see myself with a man.
I often find it helpful when people say things like this to ask how many times, if ever, in your most formative years (we tend to learn social orders and constructs at very young ages, and they cement pretty intensely) you saw any images or actual couples who were women married to women? Or even just in long-term relationships where the "heads" of the family were a same-sex couple?

Because very, very few people saw much of that, if any, and that fact alone means that most people, no matter their orientation, ARE going to view things in exactly the way they learned to view them when it comes to this. If growing up, any fantasies you had about long-term partnership all were with men, expecting to somehow quickly think very differently about that is expecting an awful lot!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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