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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » A question for bisexual girls

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Author Topic: A question for bisexual girls
Member # 30467

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ok, i have a question, because i can't figure it out myself.
let me introduce myself as a 16 year old girl who has tried both guys and girls and has decided she likes girls more.
months ago, i fell in love with a bi girl over the internet. yes, i know, crazy, but she showed me all the love in the world (spiritually).
but soon she got taken by a guy, and just totally forgot about me.
then i did a browse for more bi people, and none of them had girlfriends. they all had boyfriends.
i don't understand...why say you are bi if you are just going to be straight anyway? it gets me so confused i get angry.
can anyone answer me?
i don't have anything against bi people. my best friend is bi (and has a bf, just for the record) and i don't hate her or anything, but what is it that makes bi people like guys more than girls?

Posts: 5 | From: nj | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, if someone is bisexual, then no matter what the sex or gender of the person they're dating, they're still bisexual. Just like a bisexual woman who is dating a woman doesn't mean she's lesbian, a bisexual woman dating a guy doesn't mean she's straight.

What it means to be bisexual is that a person feels a romantic and sexual attraction to people of more than one sex and gender: it doesn't mean, or require, that someone date people of more than one gender, or date both/all, or primarily date any given one. So, I'm not quite sure why you're feeling anger about this, sparing the upset and anger you may be feeling about you having a relationship that just didn't happen because the girl you liked chose to date a guy instead of you or after you.

See why *I* am confused? I get being perplexed about a pattern you might be seeing (though if you're looking at personals ads on heterocentric personals sites, by the by, that's some of why you're seeing that pattern, since those sites tend to see more couples looking for hookups than people seeking out same-sex relationships), but angry?

Another thing to bear in mind is that it is relatively normal and common for bisexual people to more commonly still date more people of the opposite sex than the same sex. Some of why that is is simply because of the math: the dating pool for opposite-sex partners is far larger than it is for same-sex partners. Really, any one of us could be happy with any number of people, not just "the one," so it's typical, given how much smaller the pool is for same-sex partners, to find we wind up with more opposite-sex partners, especially if our bisexuality is such that we're pretty much 50/50 when it comes to a preference for gender. For those with stronger preferences one way or another, you often see different patterns: a bisexual woman who is mostly attracted to women, more so than to men, will often date more women, even given the smaller pool.

Too, heteronormativity also tends to play a part here.

But you know, I often say to people that if any of us who are queer and grew up queer have learned anything, it's that no one can control who they love or are drawn to. I mean, we ought to know that better than anyone, right? I went through some pretty serious soul-searching on these issues myself when a couple years back, I seemed to meet someone I was certain was a great love of my life (and still am certain), but really didn't expect that person to be a man, and wasn't sure how I felt about it.

(Actually, I was sure: I was pretty deeply conflicted, especially given I'm one of those bisexual women who really does more strongly prefer women, especially emotionally and intellectually: sexually and/or physically, I could give a hoot, really.)

But ultimately, I came back to what I just said up there: if I knew anything about love and orientation, I knew that we love who we love, and that's just that. Sounds like you may even know that too, given you've also dated both men and women, eh?

One last thing? Heteronormativity and sexism loom very large for everyone, but especially intensely for younger people, so as you age, what you're seeing right now will likely be less prevalent, and you'll likely see a wider sphere of variation when it comes to the dating patterns and relationships of bisexual people.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 34159

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Okay, I'm bi, 18, and have a boyfriend. For the record, I've had two girlfriends in fairly close secession before I met him.

This is just my personal opinion, but did you ever actually met this chick in real life? Maybe she went after a different person simply because of internet safety. I met my first girlfriend over the net, and believe me, it didn't end well. People can be so much different in person than in pixels.

And if you're nervous about going out and meeting people in the real world, I have neoanthropophobia. That's fear of strangers and society in general. Sometimes I find exceptions to the rule.

Maybe you will too.

"I'm bouncing off the walls again, woah-oh~
I'm acting like a fool again, woah-oh~
Threw away my reputation,
For one more song on the RADIO STATION~"

Posts: 29 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 20828

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I have dated both men and women. However, I have dated a lot more men than women.

It has nothing to do with trying to be straight. What it is, is that 90-odd percent of guys are attracted to women, whereas fewer than 20 percent of women are attracted to women. There is simply a larger number of men for me to choose from than women. So, I date more men than women.


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The fact of the matter is that a lot of bi-girls are just experimenting. It's kind of a fad, and a lot of them are in it purely for physical means. They'll drop it like a 30-pound hammer when they mature or get tired of it.

When you're young, nothing seems to matter and the physicality is intriguing. But that's all. Some day a lot of these girls will forget the whole girl thing and want to have kids. You'll see. It's the tough reality of the situation.

Posts: 1 | From: Aliso Viejo, California | Registered: Feb 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 35773

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Well, I'm a pansexual female and have only had serious relationships with men (though my current boyfriend is slightly gender dysphoric).

Like others have said, it has nothing to do with trying to be straight or anything like that. For me, it's just...that's kind of how it's worked out. The two males I've had relationships with are just the two people I've met where we have a mutual attraction and interest in a relationship with each other. If that had happened with a female, I would have been just as likely to end up in a relationship with a female.

I think it's also very true that there's simply more heterosexual males to choose from than females who are attracted to other females, so it's just more likely, for most people, to come across males who are attracted to them and want a relationship with them.

Also, like Heather said, sexuality is about attraction, not about who you have or haven't been romantically and/or sexually involved with. There's all kinds of reasons why a bisexual girl might date men more than women, even if she has attraction to both. It could be that it's very socially difficult, or even dangerous for her to engage in a same-sex relationship. It could just be that she hasn't met another woman who she'd want a relationship with. It could be any other number of things.

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-Oscar Wilde

Posts: 115 | From: San Francisco, CA | Registered: Nov 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Please keep in mind that Scarleteen tries to provide a safe space for people of all orientations; saying that most young bisexual women are "just experimenting" in a manner that's a little bit blunt and may or may not be true in my eyes borders on creating a hostile environment for bisexual women, particularly young ones.

I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. -Douglas Adams.

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Posts: 446 | From: Seattle | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 25983

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Might I also add, CMartel, that stating that all girls will forget about their relationships with females, want kids (something they're perfectly capable of with female partners, btw) and that physicality is all that matters to young people sounds awful odd coming from you as an absolute if your registered birth date is correct, let alone the fallacies there.

You're certainly entitled to think what you like, but it strikes me as more than a little iffy to state life truths of girls "when they mature" as such when you have yet to mature and reach that point yourself as a 17-year-old.

[ 02-11-2008, 01:15 AM: Message edited by: *Lauren* ]

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Member # 28780

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I am in a romantic relationship with a male, and have been for the last two and a half years. I identify as a bisexual female, but lately I've decided to call myself "queer" to leave some room for ambiguity (And another honest reason? Because of the fallacies that CMartel2 posted. This is exactly the kind of stuff I have to deal with all the time). I have never been in a serious relationship with a woman, because when I came "out" I was already in a monogamous relationship with said male (yep, bisexual people ARE able to be monogamous, just for the record). I came out two years ago. Now, fast forward to the present.

Due to several stresses in our relationship, my boyfriend and I have decided to be inclusive. This means that we're both okay with the other dating other people and being sexual with other people, but we're still going to be dating each other and probably living together still. Currently, I'm interested in a bisexual girl my age, but due to some complications in her life we're taking things very very slow.

Now, some answers to your questions. Like Heather said, if a bisexual person is dating someone of the opposite gender they are NOT straight, and if a bisexual person is dating a member of the same sex they are NOT a lesbian. Like I said before, I've only been with guys primarily so far because I came out after I was already in a monogamous relationship with a guy that was very important to me. Now that we are inclusive however, things may be starting up with this girl I told you about. Even though I've primarily been with guys so far, there is nothing stopping me from being in same-sex relationships and even having children with a same-sex partner (yep, is a very real possibility).

As a final note, I'm deeply offended by what you posted, CMartel2. I hope some of the posts in this thread gave you some better information than what you had before. I do NOT believe that the girl I'm interested in now, with how much we care about each other and the amount of emotional connection we have, is just an "experiment." There's plenty more I could say about this subject, but I think I'll stop before I get too worked up.

[ 03-03-2008, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: fallchild ]

"It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees"

Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Here, here! *Raises water glass in toast* I agree with everything - except for what CMartel2 had to ah, improperly 'shed light on'. Aside from the fact that that post sounded like my mother wrote it, you had a very good question, Snowbuster. And most of these people here have answered it pretty well. But I'll chuck my two cents in anyway.
I have dated my best friend (who's female), but I moved so things kind of died after that. But as a rule, I prefer guys on a purely physcal level. That's not to say that some women don't make me get all fuzzy inside, it's just more rare. It takes a really speical girl, but then, I'm hers. And like MisterissNomad said, there are just more guys out there to date than girls. My siggy is what it is for a reason. (If it shows up). Spike and Willow from Buffy: the Vampire Slayer. I could love either of them in a heart beat.
... Hope that helped a bit!

-------William Pratt------
-----Willow Rosenburg-----

Posts: 3 | From: Florida | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Comic lass
Member # 37720

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i whole heartedly agree with Alley these folks have done a great jod with answering your question. as for em i personaly prefer girls to guys not to say i am not into guys i simply find more ladys attractive. but i also know how hard it can be to fall in love with some one on the net i have done that more then once sadly and it can be hard to get over.... so i wish you luck!
Posts: 9 | From: vancouver | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 37768

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I say I'm bi because, well, people like that more than saying I'm a lesbian, pansexual, or queer. I don't want to be with a guy, but I have no problem with looking at guys and discussing them with my friends. I enjoy it. So I go with bi, that way people don't feel uncomfortable talking about guys they like.
Posts: 18 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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