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Author Topic: two steps forward, one step back *frustration*
Tenshi_XI
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So, on friday, I managed to tell my closest, arguably most trusted friend, that I am Bi. I honestly know I wasn't ready for a face-to-face, but it was something that I really needed to have happen. I needed someone in my life to know, to know what I was going through. I knew he'd treat me no different then before, and would support me more then I could even ask.

I was so proud of myself too, cuz I managed to not cry. Even when he hugged me, I didn't cry. You got to understand, in my mind, he, or any guy for that matter, can't really show acceptance much better then a hug. I actually thanked him, to which he responded "You needed it."

And I did.

He did say that eventually "You should tell your family."

"I'm telling my family right now."

He felt "deeply honored." His words.

So I then informed him that I was going to tell the others in our group tomorrow (we were gathering to hang out), and he assured me that he'd help any way he could.

God bless him, he went above and beyond. He knew how stressed I was, and never left my proximity for more then 5 min. At least every hour he'd ask how I was doing, and would talk to me whenver it was just the two of us.

I tried to tell the other 3 of the group during lunch, but I couldn't breech the subject. He suggested that maybe lunch was a bad time, so I resolved that I'd tell them in the car.

There I sat in the passenger seat of the van, and he was driving. I just sat there, FAR more quiet then I ever am. I'd sit up, turn in my seat to look in back, rest my chin on the headrest, and just stare at my 3 friends. I'd breathe and mutter, and eventually slump back down into my chair.

And he'd ask me, "Are you okay?"

"no, not really"

A few more minutes pass, and once more I turn, rest my head, and I just stare. I stared and stared, and tried to mouth the words. I could tell he was looking at me, checking on me, which was nice. I kinda shook as I tried to speak, but soon felt exhausted. I slowly turned in my seat and rest my head against the window glass, slightly shaking, my breathing labored.

He leans over and quietly says: '"It's okay if you're not ready." That was probably the only thing that kept me from crying right then and there. I was just so angry.

Once everyone was dropped off, he proceeded to drive me home (a 45 min drive). We talked the whole time, as he attempted to calm me down some. As I sat there, cycling between frustration, verge of crying, speaking, and nervous laughter, I just sat and seethed.

I felt like a coward, like I had completely failed. I was so angry. As I spoke my voice quivered and I just shuddered in my seat with frustration. He spent the entire 45 min just talking to me, and calming me down. What really made me feel better was when he reached over, grabbed my leg/knee and said "When you're ready, you'll do what you need to do."

Nonetheless, by the time I got home, I retreated to the bathroom, and basically (quietly) cried for about 3 min. Even though he was right about everything, I was still just so angry with myself.

So, yeah, 2 steps forward for telling my friend, but, 1 step back for completely bombing on the others. It was just too many people all at once. I'm gonna have to pull them aside one by one. That should work.

Posts: 51 | From: CA | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
nixieGurl
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Hey there,

You know, your friend is right there, when you feel ready enough to tell you will get the words out and tell the people you want to tell, but there really is no rush for these things. It is a hard thing to do and not being able to do it right now does not make you a coward or mean you are not progressing or anything like that. It just means that you are working through something that is very important to you and you need some more time to feel comfortable enough to tell others. For now, it sounds like you have a really great friend there who is willing to support you in the mean time, so the main thing is that you are not alone.

Dont rush yourself, know that there are many others out there who ahve been through the same process and many will tell you it took them a long long time to tell a whole bunch of people, especially in their teen years. So dont beat yourself up about this, when you are ready and comfortable you will be able to tell those friends, but try not to be too hard on yourself in the mean time.

Posts: 657 | From: NZ | Registered: Jul 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
bugsy182
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ditto to what nixieGurl said.
Take your time. It's hard. And when you will do it when you feel ready, if you're not ready it won't work; but that is okay.
Every single gay person goes through this process, it's probably one of the hardest things you will have to do in that part of your life.
So cry if it doesn't work if you need. Be angry. Feel frustrated. But also know, the time will come when everything will be out in the open.
You can do this hun [Smile]

--------------------
~Becca

"You could spend your whole life preserving it, but never really doing anything with it."

Posts: 31 | From: Arizona | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tenshi_XI
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Yeah, I'm better now. I'm not angry per se anymore, now I'm just kind of smoldering.

I thanked both John, Isaac and Ben. I made it very clear to them just how important they've been, and that if it weren't for them, I'd probably be having a horrible time.

At the moment, those 3 are proably my closest confidants, people that I can turn to in time of need.

It's funny too, cuz I told John that I don't want to be treated differently in anyway. He was at first concerned that perhaps his jokes had offended me in the past, but I told him that he has never, and will never, offend me. Already, he and I are having inside jokes.

While at the mall, I commented that: "God, everytime I walk into a Hollister, I feel like I'm diving into my neighbor's closest."

He snickers.

"Quiet you."

And we both got a laugh. I'm glad that someone in my life does know, and is willing to not only help me, but also not care. John is willing to support me and help me, and that feels good.

I've been rethinking how to handle my other friends. One on One is the way to go. I'll most likely target Bunny next. She's very much like a mother figure to me, arguably more then my real mother *laughs* Anyway, I know that if I can get her alone, and tell her, she won't care. She treats me like gold as it is, and has never judged people.

In terms of my mother, I still highly doubt I'll tell her. It's just far too risky. Part of me wants to print up the 80 pages of e-mails that I've had with my counselors, walk up to her, drop them in her lap, and leave to the mall for a few hours. It'd be both funny, and a little malicious, but maybe it'd get her to understand what I'm going through.

Nope, not telling her...

Posts: 51 | From: CA | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
The Happy Hermit
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i dont know what stopped me from telling my friend either (actually, we moved, quite a ways away, so most of my friends have no idea.).

i'd go up to them extremely determined.... and not say anything *ok i didn't word it as dramtically as you did but in all hoesty im not good at dramatic writing but it was sorta the same for me*

im with a totally new demographic now and when i meet someone new, i dont hide it. now, of course i dont just shout 'HEY!!! GUESS WHAT????? I'M BISEXUAL/GAY!!!!!!!!!!' to random people, but if i tell them from the beginning (or even better, if someone else tells them) i avoid the whole awkwards leading out of the closet again and again act.

Something i would advise against is using msn.
Your probably smart enough to know this but thing are just different online. i came out to a friend online and regretted it. i felt extremely awkward for the rest of the month because i didn't know how he REALLT felt. i didn't now if he was going to tell everyone of what. i was a little paranoid *im better now though, because i moved out of the coutry... lol* but what im sayin is that although its easier to type stuff to your friends. just tell them when your ready and not sooner.

this probably came out all fragmented and scatterbrained, but its got wisdom. i swear! it really does;)!

--------------------
(a.k.a. k'reisvelvtr)
To right the unrightable wrong
To love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable star!

This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far

...love?

Posts: 67 | From: CANADA AGAIN!!!! | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gnork
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It's okay for you to take your time with your friends, which you seem to have realized. This is obviously a big deal for you, and it can be hard to share something that personal with others.

One thing that struck me was the account of your friend and his reaction. It sounds like you've got an amazing friend that's willing to help you if you need it.

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AnansiGirl
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The way I usually do it is to not actually say it first off - for example, first time I came out to my best school friends at the time was when I dragged them both (him and her) along to the local mall to go shopping.

My guy friend got slightly caught up looking at this chick who was pretty good looking - nice figure, pretty face, etc, and single. My girl friend (straight, btw- we never got together like that) teased him about it and so he turns to me and goes, "What? If some Johnny Depp wannabe walked past I'd be peeling both your eyes off the poor guy."

Me: Nah, don't really go for him much. Gimme Halle Berry anyday.

Girl friend: *confused* You're gay?

Me: *cheery grin, although internally I was freaking out because I'd said without thinking* Nope, bi. Still not much of a Johnny Depper, though...

And that was the end of it. It's happened a couple of times, though. People seem to take it better if they intially think you're gay, or if they've already heard you rhapsodize about some poor pretty shmuck. I've found a 'slip' of the tongue works better than just saying 'Hey, guess what, I'm bi!'

Maybe that's just me.

-AG

--------------------
"I'm bouncing off the walls again, woah-oh~
I'm acting like a fool again, woah-oh~
Threw away my reputation,
For one more song on the RADIO STATION~"

Posts: 29 | From: England | Registered: Jun 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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