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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Kinda need some advice here.

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Author Topic: Kinda need some advice here.
Member # 32224

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Okay, my more serious worry (on the Ask Scarleteen board) is being dealt with, I'm going to see a therapist, and I'm fine there. I have another slight worry, which I've thought about and I think it may be contributing to the stress which started my other problem off in the first place.

See, I'm pretty sure I'm asexual. I look at both guys and girls and I can appreciate pretty people of both genders, but the idea of actual sex or even a relationship doesn't appeal to me at all. I've also always hated having people touch me in any way, which is probably something to do with my Asperger's Syndrome, but whatever, it has the same effect. I don't think it's a phase, I've been wondering since I was fifteen and pretty sure since I turned sixteen (I'm seventeen now).

I haven't really said anything to my folks because it honestly didn't seem important before. My mum says she didn't start dating till she was nineteen, so I guess they think I'm a late bloomer too - that and I currently have no free time to socialise. I've been wondering if I should say something, just to get it off my chest. Trouble is, I'm not sure if they'll believe me. It's probably irrational, but I'm worried they'll say it's just a phase, and I know that some people don't think asexuality IS a real orientation.

The irony here is that if I was just gay I'd have no problem coming out, since I've heard Mum say she wouldn't mind, she'd only be worried that other people wouldn't like it. *sigh*

So, should I do anything? If so, what? Any advice?

Posts: 475 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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Member # 8067

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Hi, me again [Big Grin] .

Stuff it might be useful to know - some people on the autistic spectrum do identify as asexual all their lives.

Others find they're "late bloomers", and that they do develop an interest in sexual activity but much later in life than is "typical" (which still leaves the complexities of handling tactile defensiveness and the social pressures of relationships, so there are some people who choose to be celibate anyway).

So I'd say it may not be possible to predict right now whether your sexuality will "come online" at some point later in your life, or not.

That's not about saying that it's just a "phase" - just that people with AS are often on our own developmental timetable [Smile] .

As for what to do - there's no "should" here.

If you want to let your parents know that right now you think you're asexual and don't think that's likely to change, and you think they'd understand and it would be a relief to tell them - go for it.

But if you don't think it would be positive, then you don't have to.

It's not like you have a moral obligation to provide your parents with regular bulletins on the state of your sexual orientation [Big Grin] .

"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 32224

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Okay, coming back after a few days.

I think my main problem with this is, I've been in big trouble before for not telling my parents things I should have done. Back when I had major depression, I didn't realise the extent of the problem and tried to wait for it to go away, so it took until I was actually collapsing in tears in the middle of lessons (not exaggerating here, it was that bad) to get much done, and then I got in trouble for not saying anything. Well, to be exact, I had said something about how I'd been feeling down a few times, but I didn't fully realise the extent myself at first and understated what I did know, so they kept saying it was just that time of the month or a minor bug or something, and this basically further cemented my conviction that I wasn't going to get outside help so I should deal myself. (I don't know where that came from in the first place. Probably something to do with the fact that I was bullied constantly throughout primary school and sexually harassed on the bus - by a younger boy - for quite a while in my current school, and very little was ever done. Long story. And partly my Asperger's - I still have trouble judging what's appropriate sometimes.) And basically I have a guilt complex over what and how much I say to my folks because I worry that if I say anything they won't be helpful and if I don't they'll find out and I'll be in trouble for not saying anything.

Stupid, I know.

Eh. Guess I don't have to say anything. I wouldn't have time to date even if I wanted to and they know that, so I guess it doesn't matter now.

Posts: 475 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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