Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Confused?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Confused?
Hijol
Neophyte
Member # 31877

Icon 5 posted      Profile for Hijol     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, this is going to sound extremely awkward, and stupid, but please bear with me here. =)

I posted a post on my troubles about 2 months ago, but now I'm creating a new topic, for confirmation, thanks.

I'm a guy, and I'm not sure about my orientation. Like, I'm not sure if I'm gay or not...reasons...

- when i look at guys, i admire their looks, and think that they are..."cool-looking"...I don't want to consider them "hot" or "sexy." I feel they look good, but I don't really think of having any sex with them or anything.

- personally, I don't want to be homosexual. I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE. (no offence to the homosexuals, and bisexuals, I mean no harm) =) I want to grow up and have a family, I want children in the future, with a wife to live with, and live in a dream life. lol.

I know this is stupid, sorry. Sometimes...I just get these pictures in my mind, about kissing a guy or something...OMFG. And I try to obliterate the image from my brain. I know that I have freewill, and I can turn away from homosexuality. But, I shouldn' force myself to turn away, if inside, I really did like guys.

I haven't made any gay connections with any guy. In fact, i'm a bit homophobic...i know...shame on me. (but i don't feel weird around lesbians)

I like girls, though. I have crushes on them, and sometimes fantasize about them. (not in sex, more in love and relationship) I don't want to turn out being bisexual or gay.

I do not "jerk-off" either thinking about guys, I find that extremely wrong. I don't want to be gay or bisexual.

Recap -

- has thoughts about guys sometimes, tries to destroy those thoughts
- admires boy's looks, although, not sexually...


Those 2 reasons are basically the 2 I'm afraid that may turn me homosexual or bisexual. I don't want to hurt anybody around me(friends, family), IF i were to be gay.

Thanks for reading this extremely long, and horrid problem. I appreciate it. Input would be excellent, =)

--------------------
Does true love exist?

Posts: 32 | From: Earth | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Correct me if I'm mistaken, but right now I hear you saying you're really not feeing sexually attracted to men OR women.

If that's the case, I really don't see any reason for you to be obsessing on this in this way, save that homophobia is likely driving this bus: that's the funny thing about bigotry and bias -- they're irrational and destructive social phobias, they're not logical and can make people behave and think in pretty odd ways.

So, my advise to you, flatly, would be to do what you can to work on the homophobia some, because it's not helping you (it doesn't help anyone, but that includes you here), and it's not even relevant from what I can tell. You're admiring men and women aesthetically, and that's not the same thing as sexual desire.

(Plus, for future reference? The way you're talking about some of this really is offensive. The OMFG's to the idea of men kissing or you kissing them, the thinking masturbating to same-sex people is just plain wrong, the endless bits about not wanting to become one of THEM -- otherwise known to those of us who are queer as the "those" people baloney -- is really hiurtful speech and not okay in an inclusive space, even with the "shame on me's." There's more than you here reading, okay?)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hijol
Neophyte
Member # 31877

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hijol     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh, sorry about that. I didn't mean any offence. And for the "shame on me..." I meant that, well, I wasn't really proud of myself being a teensy bit "homophobic." Yeah, I know I should respect people. Sorry. I went a bit too harsh. My bad.

Could you rephase the advice...with a bit more details? ty.

I'll rephrase everything I just said up there. =)

So basically, I'm a guy, confused if he's bi, straight, or "gay."

I hope that I'm "straight," since that's the orientation I would like...ugh, I'm makin' no sense. So I WANT TO be straight, and I don't want to be bi or gay. I'm worried it could damage my friends, my family, and other people that know me. Inside, I'm a tiny homophobic about "gay men." But, I find nothing wrong with lesbians. I just don't want my life to go with other men, it's just my opinion.

Sometimes, I'm worried I might be gay, since I get thoughts in my mind about guys...sometimes. Once in awhile, occasionally. Normally these thoughts are not too sexual, without any sex involved with them. Even like 1 in 1000 thoughts, I can picture guys makin' out...and well...I'm not okay with that. I don't hate people that are in love with their own gender, I respect their orientation.

I've also had crushes, and I feel love towards girls too. And like most guys, I feel strange, shy, "tingly," towards females that I like sexually. And I still do.

It's weird for me, I think I'm overreacting...

I hope that's more clear...thanks.

[ 02-06-2007, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: Hijol ]

--------------------
Does true love exist?

Posts: 32 | From: Earth | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Jill     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes, I think you're over-reacting.

Being able to picture men making out does not make you gay, nor does it make you bi. If you were attracted to men and wanted to be in a relationship with a man that would indeed mean you were homosexual and that is really the only thing that does. Sexuality isn't about having a weird dream, or not having feelings for women. If you are not actively attracted to men, you would not be considered gay or bisexual at this time.

And please do not post things like
quote:
Inside, I'm a tiny homophobic about "gay men." But, I find nothing wrong with lesbians.
As Heather pointed out, this is an inclusive space, specifically intended to support folks who are GLBT. Comments like that are blatantly contrary to that goal and do not belong here.
Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hijol
Neophyte
Member # 31877

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hijol     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ookay. Thanks for the message.

So pointing out anything about "homophobia" is not tolerated here?

--------------------
Does true love exist?

Posts: 32 | From: Earth | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Leabug
Activist
Member # 27966

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Leabug     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Talking ABOUT homophobia, ie the effects of it or your experiences with it, is fine. What's NOT fine are homophobic comments, as per the guidelines:

quote:
Scarleteen is no place for name-calling, or for any harassment based on sex, gender, race, creed or orientation, and none will be tolerated here.


[ 02-07-2007, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: leabug ]

--------------------
Lea

Posts: 2332 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hijol
Neophyte
Member # 31877

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hijol     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh okay. ty.

So for example, a comment...like..."I don't like girls, because they don't know anything" ...?

I know that sounds weird, but it's an example.

--------------------
Does true love exist?

Posts: 32 | From: Earth | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Leabug
Activist
Member # 27966

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Leabug     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No, that is not alright- it's not homophobic, but it makes generalizations about an entire gender, and we don't approve of this either. Read the section of the guidelines I posted for you very carefully: we do not condone ANY form of discrimination here at Scarleteen.

--------------------
Lea

Posts: 2332 | From: Canada | Registered: Mar 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hijol
Neophyte
Member # 31877

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hijol     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes. Just making sure, I didn't mean that comment anyway, it was just a random example.

Okay, thanks.

--------------------
Does true love exist?

Posts: 32 | From: Earth | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tenshi_XI
Activist
Member # 32522

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Tenshi_XI     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
wow, I'm actually replying to someone else's problem.

Am I qualified to do that?

Okay, goodness knows I've been wrestling with a lot of thoughts, feeling, etc recently. So much so that I basically started to panic. I couldn't interpret anything.

It's good that you're at least trying to deal with whatever is troubling you, but perhaps you thoughts on it are misguided. The one poster is correct, you really should deal with your homophobia first (in whatever strength it may be) cuz such hateful phobias help no one, and in time, they could damage your own reputation.

I think the other posters are correct, you may be over-reacting. There were a set of questions one my my counselors asked me, that was very helpful, I'll paraphrase them here:

1) Do you find yourself attracted to men?

2) Given the proper time/setting/person, could you see yourself in a relationship with a man?

3) Do the feelings of attraction that you feel toward women feel anything like what you may/may not feel toward men?

Answer these 3 questions, honestly, and you'll be one step closer to the answers you really seek.

I do understand your feelings of "I don't want to be one" (please don't jump on me, I'm just quoting him). I myself had a similar feeling of "Of course it's alright for people to be GBL, but you're not suppose to be." This was a feeling I've basically worked past, but it's a hard feeling to dispel nontheless.

If you truly feel like you need more info, I highly suggest you seek out a counselor or two from one of the numerous GLBT sites ut there, or so of Parents and friends of GLBT sites. The people that run these sites are very honest, open people that very well may be able to help you through any feelings (over-reacted or not).

I could bore you with the typical "You're not the one that chooses yor orientation" fluff,but really, in the end, you probably already know where you stand, but you're blind to it, and you may need someone to guide you to the answers already sealed in your head.

Hopefully all this helps, and hopefully I didn't just make an arse of myself.

--------------------
Giving in is what kills people. When you refuse to surrender with all your heart, only then do you transcend your humanity. Even in the face of death, never give up. -Alucard

Posts: 51 | From: CA | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Gwaihir
Activist
Member # 27276

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Gwaihir     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You could start working on these issues by looking at <i>why</i> you're so violently opposed to being gay or bi. If you do turn out to be one or the other, the only negative thing would be that your life, in the culture we live in and regarding your friends and family, will be much more difficult than if you were straight.
You want to have a family and raise kids? Gay couples can do that too, though again, it is more difficult for them to do so.
Also, if you're homophobic, I'm curious to know why you're ok with lesbians and not necessarily gay men?

However, like the other commenters said, it doesn't sound to me like you're gay or bi either, and that yes, you're most likely overreacting. This slight homophobia of yours is certainly something you need to work on, though, and I think the points I listed above may be a good place to start.

Posts: 159 | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Hijol
Neophyte
Member # 31877

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Hijol     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Wow, thank you. All of you, the advice is great, I can relate to it. Thanks, man.

I'm just eh...well, I'm not going to answer the homophobia question, since I think a mod or admin might yell at me. =)

Thanks again, to all of you.

--------------------
Does true love exist?

Posts: 32 | From: Earth | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Jill     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Tenshi_XI:
wow, I'm actually replying to someone else's problem.

Am I qualified to do that?

You're quite welcome to reply to anyone, as long as it's not a thread in Ask Scarleteen or Emergencies & Crisis. Peer support and feedback is a huge and very important part of this site. [Smile]
Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Tenshi_XI
Activist
Member # 32522

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Tenshi_XI     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, good to know about what areas not to step.

Now if only more people would read my 2 threads.....

Posts: 51 | From: CA | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3