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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » what should I do?

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Author Topic: what should I do?
sweetypie21
Neophyte
Member # 31882

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So i am bisexual,and i have a few select friends that know that i am. Well More people are questioning me about it, and thinkin that i am, I am afraid to tell my parents becasue they are SOOOOO homophobic but im afraid they are going to hear it from someone else.. Should i just keep denying it or what should i do?
Posts: 37 | From: new york | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Try practicing this simple line:

My orientation is my private business, just like yours.

Seriously? It is. That and those who you date are really the only people with a need to know, and folks need to learn that, period.

People can think whatever they want, but until you're in a safe environment to come out, and want to for yourself, it's a good sentence to be good at saying. You'll likely need to use it more than once in your life, such as at jobs, for instance, the same way people's health issues or marital status are really only their business.

[ 01-30-2007, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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sweetypie21
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yea but that is easier said than done. When people have their suspicions then they talk ****. Like this girl that i am kinda with, her ENTIRE team thinks that were together cuz i go to her games and they talk ****. Like i dont really care about them, all i care about is my family hearing thru the grape vine and then me having to deny it or lie about it. For instance my mom i think suspects something because she asked if i felt wierd haning out with this one girl who is openly gay and i told her NO and she was like well its fine that she is gay but you know thats not NORMAL right? I wanted to be like well i guess im not normal then but i was like whatever and walked away. Who knows i want to tell my friends but i just cant.i start college next year so it will be a fresh start
Posts: 37 | From: new york | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Ecofem
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sweetypie (I love your username, btw [Smile] ), I see you coming here every now and then with this same conflict (as well as the one referring to your friend.) I don't mean to sound like I'm chewing you out for this; not at all-- it's a hard situation to be in!

But I think if you were able to find an approach to how you're going to deal with this all, you'd feel a little better-- that it isn't a constant rollercoaster ride of emotions. I feel your frustration and worry; honestly, I'm not sure what to advise you to do. I just wish there were an easier solution to going about all this, at least temporarily. For example, I wish you had a better in-person support system of queer people who were just platonic friends. (This is all said and good but doesn't offer much help-- I'm just trying to express my sympathy/empathy.)

Heather mentioned here the importance of having a safe environment to come out in-- that it's really no one else's business. As for your parents, I totally hear you when you say how homophobic they are-- I'm sorry about this-- although they might be more supportive (of you as their daughter they love so much, if not the bi part) than you'd think. Of course, the flipside is that coming out could make things harder.

What would you say if your mom were to ask you directly? Do you think you could have said something like "I think it's normal" or do you think she'd immediately accuse you and make it harder? In any case, I'm glad to hear you'll be going to college next year and (hopefully/surely) be in environment where you feel more comfortable expressing yourself. It's closer than you'd think!

edited to add: You say you don't care that her teammates are gossiping; it's really good to feel that way if you can. But I just wanted to add that it's really crappy of them to do, I'm sorry you have to experience this, because it just makes a situation like yours harder for you. Needless to say (and I don't mean this in a mean way), I'm sure a few of them are queer themselves and join in, glad that the attention's not on them, argh!

[ 01-31-2007, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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mycorneroftheworld
Neophyte
Member # 32520

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Well if your parents are very homophobic i wouldnt tell them untill your able to move out on your own and you can support yourself. or if you want to take the risk and tell them you can tell them if
A: they ask you
or
b: they make a joke about you being gay/bi

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sweetypie21
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i think your compleatly right about her teamates.. and they know she is so whats the big deal. the problem with my parents is that they have pretty much told me and my brothers since i could remember that they would disown us if we were gay. I just dont know what to do. I think ill just come out to people in college, i have already lost one friends because of this i dont want to lose everyone including my family
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Ecofem
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Yeah, since your parents told you outright that they'd "disown" you for being gay [Frown] , then I'd definitely wait till college. That's really horrible-- a friend of my had the same thing from her mom (while she was in college) and it really hurts deep inside. However, away at college she was very out and her parents didn't find out; they actually met her then girlfriend at graduation, but didn't put two and two together for whatever reason. Most campuses have GLBT groups as well as are often more liberal than a small hometown.

Just to address the teammates again: A lot of times, the people making really homophobic comments, especially teenagers (I don't mean your parents, for example), do so because they aren't so sure of themselves or their orientation. The meanness is not just outward but a form of self-loathing. (I don't want to overgeneralize here but there are plenty of examples to back it up.)

A lot of time it's just people being uniformed or repeating what they've been told by intolerant parents or other adults. Then they form their own opinions, "thinking" for themselves, and they really regret how they reacted unkindly to friends earlier in their lives. I'm guessing this applies to at least some of the friends you "lost" because of coming out; maybe one day they'll be ashamed of how they reacted and apologize.

Although you may not have the external support, it sounds like you've become pretty comfortable with your identity, that it's totally ok to be non-straight. [Smile] That's step further than a lot of people, and thinking this way before you even start college is cool-- it takes some people a lifetime to even be ok with themselves in this regard.

edited to add: Are your brothers older? Are they living nearby? How's your relationship with them? Do you think they'd be openminded about this and even give you some familial support?

[ 02-01-2007, 12:30 PM: Message edited by: Ecofem ]

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sweetypie21
Neophyte
Member # 31882

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umm i have 4 older brothers 1 that in over seas in the air force the other one is a neighbor and the others live fairly close by. I dont have that great of a relationship with them but i have a great realationship with my 2 sister-in-laws. I have told them and they are Both REALLY REALLY supportive so that helps. I have lost a couple friends and not told others, but who knows. Im just learning to be happy with myself regardless of what others think of me
Posts: 37 | From: new york | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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