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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » coming out as bi to parents and boyfriend... advice please?

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Author Topic: coming out as bi to parents and boyfriend... advice please?
Member # 29720

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Miho-chan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Two years ago, i began dating my current (and first) boyfriend. But at the same time i began to notice a distict attaction to women. I tried really, really hard to ignore it, and for about a year and a half i was fairly sucessful. I had some pretty rediculous rationalizations for how i could feel what i felt some of the girls i knew, and still be straight.

Around the end of school last year, i managed to admit to myself that i am not straight. for lack of a more acurate term, i have been calling myself bisexual. I feel that i have a general preference towards women. But there are times when i'm not totally sure of myself... and times when i feel like i should pick either heterosexual or homosexual (i hate this feeling)... and I get really confused about all this sometimes. But for now at least, the most accurate way to descibe myself would be bi.

So here is the part i would like advice about: coming out...
I want to be able to talk to my boyfriend about this because i feel like i am hiding part of myself from him, and i hate it. its getting to the point where i feel aweful after having a normal conversation with him. But i'm terrified; i don't know how he will take this news. Especially since it might mean admitting to him that i have had fairly strong feelings for several other people while in a realtionship with him.

My other problem is telling my parents...
I want to share this with them; don't want to hide myself from my parents. I think that they would probably be accepting, but my mother has recently made some comments that worry me. For example, a few days ago she was talking to me about my sister's friends, and how one of them had come out as bi. She said that she thought that 14 was much too young to know one's sexual orientation, and that she thought that he was just confused. I am hoping that, since i am a bit older than my sister's friend (I'm 18) and since she considers me to be a logical, and reasonable person, she will listen to me and not simply disregaurd what i have to say. But i am still worried (despite being fairly certain that in the end i will remain on good terms with both my parents).

I apologize for writting such a long message. but i am glad that i have found somewhere to talk about all this. I feel a bit better, just for having written this message. [Smile]

Thank you very much for reading/listening.

Posts: 1 | From: Chatham, MA | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 29206

Icon 1 posted      Profile for not_a_hobgoblin     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You do still want to keep going out with your boyfriend, right? If so, that's the first thing to reassure him with: You may like girls too, but you still like him best.

As for your mother: There is a huge difference between 14 and 18. If you want to test the waters, try asking her, "So if 14 is too young, how old do you have to be to decide your orientation?" Her answer should give you some idea of where to go next. And don't be afraid to make it into a debate; you just might change her mind.

"Cut her down."
"She is a witch!"
"But she's our witch. Cut her down."

Posts: 174 | From: Indiana, USA | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 30788

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i am in the same boat as you... i mean i've come out to all of my friends and my ex-boyfriend (i was dating him when i came out to him)..but i can't seem to find the courage to come out to my parents.. My dad probably wouldn't care.. he kinda just seems to let me do what i want. but my mother... she's sort of afraid of gays... i mean i'm not gay. i'm bi. but she has problems with me hanging out with my gay friends. it's not fair. i have a girlfriend right now but i have to keep it a secret because if my mom finds out she'll kick me out of the house.. anyway. i hope your parents are more understanding than mine are....

good luck

Posts: 17 | From: Pa | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 31579

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ok really ill admit that i havent really told my parents either but i did mention it and it got around to my family relatives and all they told me sarcastically "yea we heard about your "confession" whatever". so since they didnt tke it seriously i just lef that at that. now it really took a long time deciding if i should com out and say it to my friends and i knew that would eventually get out around the whole skool, but really i said if they really were true friends and cared about you and just accepted you as you are, then its okay, and if they act 2-faced then they really arent your friends and pretty much same thing goes with your boyfriend. i also say that im bi becausei know im not straight but im still questioning (after year already) if im bi or lesbian. hopethis helps. e-mail me if you ever feel lost or ust an someone to talk to.


im trying to fight the battle against myself

-dont worry ill be ok by myself

Posts: 2 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: Nov 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 31882

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I have the same problem. I live in a very Homophobic community. My friends are homophobic, and my family deff is. I am a daddy's girl and it scares me to think that he would hate me because of this. People tell me " there your parents, and they will love you no matter what" The thing is i really dont know if they will. Me and my mother already have a "rocky" relationship and my father has always told me and my brothers there are only 2 ways i would disown you " get pregnant or get someone pregnant before your 18 or become gay. I dont know what to do. I know they will eventually find out since we live in a small community, but i cant tell them and break there heart, but at the same time i cant hind my feelings for this person(girl) that i like now.
Posts: 37 | From: new york | Registered: Dec 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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