Well, honestly I haven't come out yet, but I can't take it any longer. I'm 20 years old and my sexual identity began when I started masturbating. I would think about both men and women when I masturbated. I was extremely attracted to my friends who were men and I always felt incredibly guilty for it. In some ways, they are very insecure about their masculine identities; I donít know if they are gay or just insecure. Being with them made it difficult for me to explore my feelings. I tried to turn myself off and I always would censor myself to the point where I never felt like I was myself.
There was one guy I was really attracted to. We even masturbated with each other on two occasions, but in some ways it was a real let down. We did it ďunder the coversĒ if you will. In other words, there was no sexual contact between us. The first time he initiated it; we were in a hotel and there was porn on. He started masturbating and I nervously joined in. The second time we were at my house on the internet and it started searching for porn. I couldnít stop rubbing my crotch and it turned into masturbation. However, this was also done without contact. We didn't even watch eachother. Although I really wanted sexual activity with him, it never happened.
I canít say I really understood my sexual orientation, not even now. I say Iím bisexual, maybe to be safe, but I donít quite understand my desire. Iím very attracted to men physically, but even so not most men, only some. At the same, Iím often very emotionally turned off by men. My attraction to women is very different. I feel very attracted emotionally. At the same time, the physical attraction is less intense than with men. For me, thereís only a few people who I feel attracted to, male or female.
I went through High School without ever having having any experiences, romantic or physical, with another person. It was kind of disappointing and I thought it would change when I got to college. Honestly though, it really didnít. I hooked up with a girl I was really attracted to, but then it turned out she wasnít interested in a relationship, at least with me. And Iíve gone through two years of college without anything else. It feels incredibly lonely and I donít understand my inability to have a relationship with another person.
I donít know how to approach other people about relationships. Hooking up feels wrong; Iíve hit on a few girls in my life and Iíve always feel an incredible amount of guilt. Iíve been hit on, by both men and women, and it always feels horrible, regardless of the personís gender. At the same time, going about declaring love verbally feels awkward and impossible for me. And if itís bad verbally expressing love for a woman, itís about a thousand times more difficult expressing love for a man. In fact itís never happened so far (which makes me sad).
I wonder if my lack of success with women is really just me setting myself up to fail. Maybe itís the kind of thing where Iím trying to express my gay side. Maybe Iím unlucky. Itís hard for me to understand what Iím really attracted to without having hardly any actual experiences. But I think the first step that I need to take is to openly declare myself as undeclared so I can give myself some space to experiment with everything. I need to figure out who I can really talk to about this- and maybe as the Beatles say, I need to get a belly full of rum. . . Anyway, I know this isnít the most clear writing on the planet, but Iíd love some feedback.
Edit your post and break it into text blocks. I just read through it, and it is very dificult to read.
I don't necessarily think your conflicts and problems are completely your own - I myself have felt that pressure to "be normal." I think that one of the things that could be hindering you in your relationships is this feeling of obligation.
To quote your post:
quote: ďI have to masturbate to this porn.Ē It was a mission to prove my straightness.
I don't know, but if you are trying to get into relationships with women to prove yourself straight, that same mindset may keep you from sucess.
-------------------- 19, male, interested in Sadomasochism (BDSM) and some bisexual tendancies. Posts: 157 | From: Canada | Registered: Jan 2006
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You sound like you're very, very confused about your sexuality. And you know what? That's okay. Sexuality can be incredibly confusing, especially if you're still only just trying to figure it out.
First and foremost, always remember that you have all the time in the world. There is no rush, you're not racing anyone, you can take all the time you need to sort yourself out.
Second of all, it would be awesome if you could find someone to talk to about all of that. Someone who's been there and done that, or even just someone you're close with and feel comfortable discussing this with. If you're in college, then you can drop in on a GSA meeting. If you're not up for just going there, look them up on the campus website. More likely than not, you'll be able to e-mail a member of the GSA and talk to them beforehand and they'll help you feel more confident about going to a meeting. If there's no GSA on campus, get out your phonebook and look for one in the nearest city.
And finally, don't worry about labeling yourself. Sexuality is not a constant, it's going to chance throughout your life and you are not required identify yourself as anything. Just do what feels right for you. No pressure.
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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