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Author Topic: My Story (unfinished)
The Wonderer
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Hey guys, I am kind of new here, and I'm posting here for 2 reasons:

1. To help others who are in the same boat.

2. Recieve some advice and help from all of you.

Please note, I am pouring out my soul here, please be respectful and not make fun of what I am saying, especially since some things may sound a little "cheesy", for that I am sorry.

I am 16 year-old guy here, and I've been struggling with the orientation for about 2 years. Here's my story:

I went threw middle school hiding the fact that I discovered that I am really sexually attracted to guys. Being in that age of insecurity is hard enough, right? I always used to read stories online of gay sexual relationships and stuff like that. I always have had crushes on girls as well, so I liked girls, yet I thought of guys sexually appealing... So, I'm straight but I just think guy's "packages" are really cool.

High school hits, I'm 14, and things haven't really changed that much, I'm still chasing after this one girl who won't ever like me, and going home and feeding that side of me that desperately wants attention and to be acknowledged, my gay side.

I also noticed that when my straight guy friends would talk about making out with random girls and such, I really just nodded my head and went along with it, I had no real interest in that. Whoa, a guy who isn't constantly horny? What's wrong with me?

My freshman year is ending and I start to notice someone, a guy. He isn't one of those guys that girl drool over, he's not all muscle or the normal "hot" gut. But, damn, I think he's absolutely gorgeous! Physically, he is like a giant teddy bear, tall and kinda chubby, but in a VERY good way! He's very huggable! *smiles

Everything that has happened over the past few years is displaying itself directly in a way I can not ignore, I'm not straight and I really, REALLY like this guy, who shall be noted as the guy <3 for further reference and easier reading. What should I do?

Like any other lovestruck, I persue my crush. We hung out a lot and become pretty close. When my normal friends ditched me after school started again, the guy <3, now a senior, asked me to hang out with me and his friends. I was kinda, swept of my feet, in a way. We were both in the same afterschool activity, so we always saw each other there, and hung out on weekends and we saw each other almost all the time! It was awesome. We hung out one-on-one a bunch of times as well, and for the first time in my life, I almost felt as if my feelings were returned! Randomly, he'd say my name while sighing like "why are you doing this to me?" sort of way. It was the greatest feeling I have ever felt. I want him so bad...

Our group took a trip across the country by plane, and on that trip, we were inseperable! It was the best few days of my entire life! Besides the fact that I saw him without a shirt on. I am in love, I thought to myself. We all had an hour to go around the local mall for lunch and stuff, so we got lunch, went to the arcade.

*The guy <3 NEVER really expresses his emotions, because he is very insecure and cares way too much about what other people think, you'll need to know that for future reference.*

He told me, in the most serious tone, "*my name, I love you". I literally stood in shock, I couldn't believe what had just happened. What does he mean? Does he love me like I love him? Is it just the friendly I love you? I stood there, and said nothing. I deeply regret not saying "I love you too"...

That was the peak of our relationship. My birthday, in December, came around. After my dinner with my family, I called him to see what he's doing and he came to see me during his dinner break! He came over to me and gave me a hug ,again, he is insecure and normally wouldn't do that, and had a conversation with my family! I thought to myself, I couldn't have picked a better guy... *is lovestruck* After that, we went lasertag and he injured his knee and was sitting in the corner, it was really cute and afterward, he bought me a milkshake!

The spring term starts, and well, everything starts going downhill. He <3 starts hanging out with his brother, who is a year older then him. He, being insecure, didn't do any of the playful-type things he used to do with me, he never hung out with me one-on-one again, etc. I am sad, because my feelings for him have only gotten stronger...

My mother starts noticing my depression and questions me to what is wrong, and I couldn't tell her. A month later, I ask to see a therapist, because I was really sick of being sad when ever I think of him <3, which is all the time...

I tell my therapist everything. I have discovered the cause of my depression: The fear of losing my friends, mainly him <3, when I come out of the closet. Since our frienship is fading, I was losing faith that our frienship could hold up when I told him how I felt about him.

Our school group took another trip after Spring Break by bus this time. He <3 was the only one I was close with on the bus, we took 2, so I was excited that I could sit by him! But, was I wrong. He really pushed me away the entire time, and I wanted this crap to end. I was sick of him <3, sick of wanting him <3, sick of being sad... I hated it.

I had a panic attack when we stopped for dinner, because I was angry. I hated my situation SO much, to the extent I almost resorted to suicide. Guess who shows up to make sure I don't do anything stupid? He <3 did. He held onto me because I was going to pass out. The situation allowed him to show "affection" without anyone becoming suspicious of him.

It was really hard to hate the one who was caring for you...

On the way home, I made sure I sat by him. It was an overnight bus ride, btw. I put the pillow on his shoulder, not only because, well, I love him, but he's a big kid and he's comfortable. He didn't like it very much, because it would open up possible questioning of his reputation. So, I fall asleep and wake up to...

I'm leaned against the window, and I find the guy I am so ****ing in love with, leaning against my shoulder, fast asleep. I almost started crying, because after all the crap he put me through, just this moment made it all worth it. I never wanted the sun to rise, I never wanted him to leave, because he never admitted to leaning on me or using my pillow on my shoulder... *sigh*

I told two of my close friends about why I am depressed and that I am "head over heels" for. Both were extremely accepting, and boy did it feel great. I have been bottling these feelings and I was never able to talk about them before. I talked for hours with a girl friend of mine, and she just listened, and that's all I needed.

I told my parents that I'm not straight only a few weeks ago, and they were absolutely fine with it. They understood why I am depressed and are more then willing to help me out! It's so awesome to have cool parents! I'm fortunate!

That's my story! I hope it helps someone out there! Now, this is were I am in need of help:

One of his <3 friends says he knows why I'm depressed, and he guessed right. He said he has no problem what-so-ever and it's not a big deal. Man, was I realived. Bad thing is, that he <3 has known that I have had a thing for him for a long time! But he doesn't know for how long! His friend says he <3 really liked having someone look up to him, which would explain SOME things, but I just know deep down that he did have something for me, you know?

I honestly think that when he started hanging out with his brother is him running away from his feelings and trying to become "cooler" and more "masculine" and get girls, to hopefully get him away from his feelings. I believe this unbiasedly.

Problem is, he is leaving for college in 1 month. I have promised myself I am going to come out to him and tell him how I feel about him. I really would prefer a favorable reaction from him, but if it goes bad, he's leaving anyway. I'm not letting these feelings that have been going on for a year and a half go to waste and without putting them out there.

Please help me... please be sensitive...

I need all the advice about what I should say to him, really anything at all!, and hopefully comments that will make me feel better...

-Wonderer

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The Wonderer
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Wow, I'm really sorry I wrote an entire essay, I hope you can understand what I'm saying and won't get bored half way through!

Thank you so much!

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logic_grrl
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but I just know deep down that he did have something for me, you know?

I honestly think that when he started hanging out with his brother is him running away from his feelings and trying to become "cooler" and more "masculine" and get girls, to hopefully get him away from his feelings. I believe this unbiasedly.


The thing is, when you're in love with someone, it's impossible to be "unbiased" when it comes to guessing how they may or may not feel. It's too easy to see what you're desperate to see.

Whatever he feels, it sounds like knowing where you stand would be very helpful for you.

But if you're going to let him know how you feel, you have to be prepared for the strong possibility that his answer may be that he doesn't have any feelings (beyond friendship) for you.

And you have to be prepared to respect that, and not keep pushing - one possibility is that he's been backing off because he's been aware of your attraction and is uncomfortable with it or doesn't want to encourage it.

Having been there, done that, I can say that finding out that your feelings are un-requited can be very painful. But ultimately, it's less painful than going on yearning and being in pain for years. And it doesn't have to be the end of the friendship.

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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The Wonderer
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Thank you for your feedback.

I guess I should go into talking to him with the attitude that I'm laying it all out there, and be prepared for anything!

Any more advice?

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The Wonderer
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Sorry, I have somemore to add before the next response.

We, me and him <3, hung out less frequently in the spring term, after he changed his personality to show he is "cool" to random people.

We still did hang out, and when we would be stuck one-on-one, example if he took me home from a movie, then he'd act like the same old guy <3 he was in the fall semester. During the spring, he was aware of who was watching, and adjusted his behavior accordingly, make sense?

THe only thing I can conclude is that he doesn't want "the people" to become suspicious of him, because he'd be a jerk to everyone in public, but he would be the sweet guy he was in the fall when no one is watching.

Just something to add...

And thank you for not being critizing about me usingthe term love a lot, it's quite the controversial term, but I truely believe I'm feeling it!

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logic_grrl
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Hey, what you're feeling is real.

It doesn't guarantee that the other person will feel the same way (or life would be so much simpler for everyone), and it doesn't mean that your feelings won't ever change. But the emotions are real.

I guess I should go into talking to him with the attitude that I'm laying it all out there, and be prepared for anything!

Any more advice?


Well, there's basic advice that applies to most difficult conversations:

Pick a time when you're alone together, and not in the middle of an argument or something.

Explain that you've got something you need to tell him, then keep it simple - in your case, say simply that you're gay, and (once he'd digested that) that you're attracted to him. You don't need to make it into a huge speech, and in fact doing so can make things tougher for both of you.

Then give him time to respond, and listen.

Speaking from personal experience, it's a good idea to focus on the fact that, whatever he says, at least you'll get a clear answer.

It may be very painful if he doesn't reciprocate your feelings, but at least you'll know where you stand, and that can be the beginning of getting on with your life.

--------------------
"Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud

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The Wonderer
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Thank you for your advice, and I'm glad someone else thinks I should confront him! My parents want me to not be open until college.

Do you think I should drop the "L-bomb"? I would like to very much, but that could REALLY screw things up if he freaks out.

Thanks again ^ _ ^

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catalinacisne
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I'd hold off on the L-Bomb... I'd go for a more casual approach so that, even if he doesn't feel the same way, hopefully he'd be able to get over it and remain friends with you. Less likely to happen if you drop the l-bomb.

Even if he does have feelings for you, saying the 'l' word might freak him out, which would be undesireable.

But you know the situation best, so it's totally your call (obviously)

--------------------
amawesome - (adj.) a combination of 'amazing' and 'awesome,' usually by someone who has tied on a few too many. Ex: No, dude, listen! I like, luv ya man! I mean, you're like, amawesome!

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The Wonderer
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Sounds good, thanks for your input.

If there is anyone else who is been through my situation, I'd love to hear your story!

Thanks so much!

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DayOo
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Jeeesh... thats some story, you had "love" (well kinda) at one point which i wish i would have had. Your story was written really well, and it almost reminds me of mine own story of mixed up feelings. I have loads of girl friends but few guys. Its great to read you had such a close bond with him. =)

--------------------
.day.

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Biguy(formerly AmberTS)
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Well, if he doesn't feel the same way(I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts he loves you back), there are other fish in the sea. If you get knocked off the horse, get back on and try again, [Smile]
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The Wonderer
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To DayOo: Yeah, it was so awesome. He had/have such a great bond, during the good times. He really just took me under his wing in so many ways, it almost too good to be true! That's also why it's painful, to have exactly what I wanted and have it taken away... = (

To Amber(TS): Aww... yay! That really means a lot that someone else thinks he could return my feelings. What specifically makes you think he likes me?
Even if he doesn't now, he must have before. If he does still, I have no problem whatsoever with a long distance relationship when he goes to college. = ) I think I would cry tears of joy if he wants one!

To all: I'm trying to wrap up this portion of my story this week! Which means, he is going to know how I feel about him as soon as possible. So stay tuned for the conclusion and wish me all the luck in this world! = |

Thank you all for your support, it means so much to me!

How do you think I should tell him? Be as specific as you can! I read one story that a guy wrote everyone on a piece of paper and left the room because he couldn't look at his crush. Would you recommend something like that?

Any suggestion is welcome!

(Wow, all my posts are really long. I'm sorry!!!)

[ 06-13-2006, 01:33 AM: Message edited by: The Wonderer ]

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DayOo
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Well, =] I think if it was me i'd have to tell them and i'd force myself to tell them face to face, i think it means so much more? I'd be glad if i did that. Once i had a crush on a male friend and just told them because as least i couldn't look back saying "what if??" dont know if that helps? haha x

--------------------
.day.

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The Wonderer
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I like your thinking, and I'm going to go with what you said. I don't want to hold anything back so I can say to myself "I did everything in my power and laid everything out there, nothing to hide anymore".

Problem is, I hope he doesn't go around broadcasting what I tell him, but I'll get over it = p.

Another problem, I don't know what to label myself. All I know is that I like him, so I guess that's all I can say, right? If he asks, I'll probably say I'm bisexual, because it's more looking like that now.

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Karybu
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If you're not comfortable with labelling yourself right now, there's really no need to. If the issue comes up when you talk to him, explaining that you're still in the process of figuring out your orientation should cover it just fine.

--------------------
"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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The Wonderer
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Alright, thank you for your help.

I called him up on the phone tonight to see what he's up to, and he seemed moderately excited to hear from me. Even though he was out with his brother and that group of people, he kept saying how he hasn't talked to me and our old group of friends in a while. He even said that he'll give me a call soon so we can hang out. The day draws nearer!

Wee! I'm kinda hyper now!

That's my update on the situation, as always, I want to hear from you! I need as much advice as I can get!

= P Thank you all so much!

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The Wonderer
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UPDATE:

Yay, but not really.

He's leaving for college tomorrow morning, even though he thought he was leaving this morning (8 hours ago), so I'm really happy I get another shot! Anyways...

Two weeks ago, I started calling, once or twice, spoke to him, he was busy (usually out with his brother's crowd.) This past week, I've called him everyday, sometimes even twice. I never spoke with him once, and I never got a call back. Naturally, I'm extremely frustrated, because I'm ready to confront him for the finale, but it takes two to talk.

It's Thursday night, I'm freaking out, because I need to see this kid before he leaves for college, because I will not be able to fully recover from depression and move on from this fiasco until I talk with him. I REALLY don't want an open ending where you never know what could've happened.

Friday morning, I stop by his house before work, to hopefully borrow him for like 15 minutes before he leaves. I see his dad outside, he says hey and stuff, and I ask if he's left yet. He's say no, we got the dates mixed up, he's leaving tomorrow morning! (He's is still sleeping)

I come home, and he posts a MySpace bulliten saying how he screwed up dates and how that he really hopes that his phone is done being serviced before he leaves!

So that's why he hasn't called me back! He wasn't ignoring me as much as I thought he was! Yay!

I'm going to probably stop by tonight or again tomorrow morning to see my best friend off to college.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Thanks for all your support and advice!

How should I go about talking to him when the time comes?

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SnowLhite
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Be straight-foreward and honest. Say things clearly and simply, dont beat about the bush but certainly don't charge in too quick.
Tell him you need to speak to him, then tell him your gay/bi/unsure/whatever, let him get to grips with that and answer any questions he has about that as best you can. Then after he has (hopefully *crosses fingers*) accepted that you should tell him that you're attracted to him. I wouldn't reccomend using the L-word at this stage, two big things are enough for one round.

--------------------
"Love and let love."

~Snowy~

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The Wonderer
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Eh, well, it is Saturday afternoon.

His dad told him that I stopped by in the morning, so he called me (new phone came in) while I was at work inviting to come of a little going away party with his family. Too bad I missed due to working. I checked my phone about 3/4 the way through my shift, to see a missed call from him. Kinda nervous for the rest of the shift.

Anyway, I listened to the voicemail and stuff, then called him up. He said I should stop by for a little while. I did, of course. To my dissappointment, I wasn't the only one there, and I could really get a moment alone with him, because he had some other friends over too. I still learned a bunch of new things.

1) He isn't that embarrassed of me around his new friends, or just put that aside when he invited me over.

2) He has put on a few lbs since I saw him last, so he's even more pudgy-er then before, so it'll steer away attention of others for a little bit *wishful thinking*

3) His other friends loved me, so I'll now have an inside person to tell me when he's coming down for the weekend, since he'll be coming down a lot.

I've spoken with our old group of people, who have known him a lot long then I have. They all agree that once he goes to college and is seperated from his major influences (brother), he should slowly start returning to his old self.

That's really good, so maybe when he comes down later on, he might resemble more of his old self, which will probably yield better results once I confront him for the finale.

Thanks again.

I'll post the conclusion when ever it occurs!

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littlehottie
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to The Wonderer

that was a cute story you had posted
[Smile]

but was he gay or bi or something
.....?

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The Wonderer
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Aw, thank you. It has been the most influencal experience of my life so far!

Well, he is in college now a couple hours away from me. I never got a good chance to talk to him about it, despite my will of steel.

I haven't talked to him since he returned from summer classes and left again for fall. He SHOULD be coming down soon for a concert in 2 weeks, so maybe then?

You know what? It's a strange story. After a few months have passed, I finally realized life moves on no matter what, right? School is kicking in, and I'm bring my grades up. I still think about him a lot, but I have grown so much stronger now.

I have decided to postpone my "openness" and "coming out" until later, because I am comfortable with my two close friends and parents knowing and coming out at this time will just cause unneeded stress and no positive results! = ) I decided that I would probably come out once I talk to my big kid later, but I'm happy now!

Thanks for your time and comments. I'll try and hang around here more often!

see ya!

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The Wonderer
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Hey guys, it's been a while.

Nothing new is happening, I'm taking care of my stuff here and I haven't really been talking to him, just small talk.

I did find out something very interesting about him that explains a lot. I talked about how he was very insecure and stuff, right?

It turns out that he diagnosed himself with Avoidant Personality Syndrome.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoidant_personality_disorder

Symptoms include:

- Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection
- Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked
Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed
- Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations
- Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy
- Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others
- Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

I am not getting my hopes up or anything, it is just another solid piece of information (him diagnosing himself w/ APD) that he and I share views on how he acts.

Just a little note that points things in my direction, maybe... *sigh*

Despite it being 6 monts since I've seen him, and I have been so busy I hardly ever talk to him, these feeling I have for him never died or faded. I know I still love him, and the time away from him hasn't changed that. It just makes me feel that much worse ...

Winter break ends on Monday for both of us, and I never called or anything. I feel terrible because I want to talk/see him, but I'm just too afraid. Afraid of what, I don't know. Do you think I should call him before Monday? To talk with an old friend at least.

Thanks for bearing with me, I'm just lost, sorry.

= \

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Ecofem
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If your friend truly thinks he has Avoidant Personality Disorder and that it's a problem, he should get a professional diagnosis as well as advice as to how to cope with it. While it certainly is a something real, the symptoms described seem to me very natural, if not ideal. So I wouldn't immediately call it "solid" piece of information.

I feel for you how you really love him and feel unfulfilled in this regard; people who really leave a mark can stay in our hearts and minds forever. Heck, I've been thinking of my (platonic) best friend from high school who I haven't talked to in a couple years almost everyday lately. The feelings of longing or missing can be harder to deal with the whole situation feels unresolved.

I'm glad you're still staying busy and doing your own thing at college– it sounds like you're doing exactly the "right" thing. If you haven't gotten in face-to-face contact during your break, I wouldn't be too upset because something it's what's appropriate for the time. But why don't you just call him up and ask him how he's doing if you really want to? Just to see how he's doing-- if it feels ok, then you two could talk about meeting up for coffee to catch up?

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envy_malice_attention
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That story was amazing...

--------------------
Hello.
I OWN YOU!!

Posts: 4 | From: In the band room | Registered: Feb 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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WOW, I only read the initial post but, WOW. I know that you wrote it 3 years ago, so I won't bother to give advice, not that I am in the prime point in my sexual identification anyway. I am bi, I think and in the closet. It has been more than a year since I was willing to put pen to paper in a journal about my doubts. I thought I was a lesbian, so when I realized I was thinking about a guy, so I rejoiced that "I was straight", honestly I don't even know if I knew that bisexuality existed, but it does seem to fit me. I certainly like guys more, but I'm not even 15 for crying out loud, in a rural area, that for our entire county there is only one public, one French, one catholic and one catholic French high school and I've only ever come close to going on a date! I so wish I lived in a big city where the odds of finding some one, to date of proper orientation, that I actually would go out with.
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moonlight bouncing off water
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Oops, that had nothing to do with any of this.
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The Wonderer
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I'm flattered that a few you think my story is amazing. Not that I really had any control over it, I guess my life just has a few interesting moments. = p.

Yes, that all happened 3 years ago.

To those who are curious, I actually now attend the same college as my old crush, and see him in passing once every blue moon. I haven't talked to him in a very long time, and don't really have the courage to say "hi". I definitely don't have feelings for him anymore, I'm just curious to see how he's been doing and whatnot, since it has been a while.

But I have my own boyfriend now, so needless to say I'm focused on him now. = )

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