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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » confusion

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Author Topic: confusion
Aela 57
Member # 27587

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I have been dating my boyfriend for 16 months now. He loves me so much, and we are emotionally very close.

The reason I'm posting is that I recently don't want sex with him at all. I used to get turned on with him, but not anymore, I just don't get wet. We went on a break for just over a month because I was concerned about this, which hurt him a lot, but then we got back together.

We hadn't had sex since getting back until yesterday, when I agreed after putting it off a lot. I couldn't get wet for it at all, and it hurt like crazy, I had my eyes shut throughout it. I know this isn't a good thing to do. I guess I'm just aware the more I put off sex the more he things our relationship is going to ruins, and I'm not ready to give up on us yet.

I'm posting in this category because I've always questioned my sexuality. My family and people around me are generally very against homosexuality which wouldn't and doesn't stop me being who I am, but I think always made me think more negatively of the idea of being gay. Anyway, I go back and forth on this issue a lot but recently, I got my first seemingly crush on a girl, someone at work. I thought she was noticing me initially, and now the idea of being with her really turns me on (as opposed to my boyfriend).

I don't know what to make of this situation, any comments would be helpful.


Aela. 19, 5'9. Often confused.

Posts: 20 | From: UK | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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It's not a good idea to try and figure out an orientation question/concern when you're also trying to figure out an existing relationship concern.

I suggest you deal with the relationship issues first, because overall, it's pretty unlikely that if you are attracted to women, that that is the primary issue with the problems in the relationship.

For startes: STOP with the obligatory sex. That is not going to help you or anyone else. You having sex you don't like, that hurts, where you're tuning out will not save a relationship. At best, it *may* mollify him -- but only if he really doesn't care if his partner is also present during sex, which is a big problem all by itself -- and make you feel like garbage. And that's no sort of best, is it?

Is it possible that your relationship with him is simply shifting from romantic/sexual to a platonic friendship? That's a totally normal, totally okay thing to have happen. Over time, relationships often change, and sometimes romance turns into friendship. When it starts to go there, the best thing to do usually is to LET it go there.

Have you just told him you simply aren't feeling it per sex with him at all anymore? if not, it's time to do that. Obviously, say it with as much sensitivity and kindness as you can, but if that aspect is just gone for you, you need to address that, not pretend or try and fake it.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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