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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » my mom thinks i'm a disgace to the family

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Author Topic: my mom thinks i'm a disgace to the family
peetie22
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Member # 17048

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hey,
about a year ago i told my mom that i'm a lesbian. she completely went off on me and said that i was a disgrace to our family. ever since then i've talked to my cousin and to my mom's friend and they don't see anything wrong with me. but not too long ago i heard my mom say to my dad that i was a screw-up and that she wishes they could try to have another child and make that one "right".

i've tried to get her to talk to me about it, but she just wants to pretend that i have a boyfriend somewhere. maybe she doesn't love me anymore because i like girls. are their any suggestions? i could use some.
--peeti22


Posts: 8 | From: greenville,south caroilna,usa | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Is it possible for you to talk to one of the other members of the family who HAS accepted your orientation and to have THEM have a discussion with your mother? Maybe your mother's friend?

That'd be my first suggestion, and is usually the best place to start.

I'm sure your mother still loves you. Chances are, she's just not very informed, or confused, or worried or feeling very insecure about the whole thing. Oftentimes, people develop intolerance for a given thing when they are pretty young, and if it goes unchalleneged, or they don't have to really deal with it, it sticks around and is really hard to undo or dismiss. Too often in those cases, they're blind to how very intolerant or noncompassionate they're being, and how much it hurts those its directed at.

So, while I know it's got to feel horrible to you, and none of that is excusing her behaviour, it's really HER issue to tackle, hopefully with some help. i'd talk to her friend or another family member close to your mother to see if they can't talk with her and facilitate some discussion so you and she can have some soon as well. You may also want to look up your local chapter of PFLAG and see if you can't figure out a way to get her involved there.

Good luck, sweetheart.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
peetie22
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you know, i never thought about it that way. i just hope that it doesn't make my mom even madder that other people know. but i don't think that thing could get much worse so i'll give it a try! thankz!

"Good luck, sweetheart." < i LOVE it when women call me sweetheart! are you currently involved with some-1?(JK i'm a flirt)


Posts: 8 | From: greenville,south caroilna,usa | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Not only am I currently involved with someone, chances are, your mother and I are pretty close to the same age, lil'darlin. How's THAT for a buzzkill?

In any event, it might make her more angry/upset at first; it's a possibility, but also not a guarantee.

But in my book, intolerance is poisonous, toxic stuff, and EVERYONE is better without it, so even if you weren't queer, it'd serve her best to let that go in time. Just do your best -- and I know it's hard when you feel judged and hurt -- to try and be as patient with her as you can in the process, and know that it may be a LONG time until you get complete, or even partial acceptance. My parents have always been fine with my being queer, but heck, nearly 20 years since I came out as dating women, there are still many members of my mother's family who choose not to deal with it or acknowledge it at all. Sometimes, that's just the way it goes, much as it stinks.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
peetie22
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just to let ya know: i like older women. you didn't have to call yourself "as old as my mother" to tell me that i don't have a chance. i just love your intellectual skills. that's very attractive; not that it matters much. thanks 4 the advice miz scarlet!

a young admirer ~peetie


Posts: 8 | From: greenville,south caroilna,usa | Registered: Mar 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Whitey12788
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im really curious whats so good about bean a les im not discriminating against that because dats u and i have no prob wit homosexuals but i alwaya wanted to ask a les wats so good about it

------------------
Whitey wazz herre.


Posts: 19 | From: flint,michigan,usa | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Dzuunmod
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Whitey, can you explain what's so good about being straight? Well, other than all the privilege that goes with it, that is?

It isn't that there's something that's "better" about being gay or lesbian, it's just the way some people are. It's like asking someone who's left-handed, "what's so good about being left-handed, anyway, that you want to be that way?"

There's nothing better about it. There's nothing worse about it. It's just how some people are.

------------------
"Like a bat out of hell, time has come for you!"
-Ballad of a Comeback Kid, The New Pornographers

[This message has been edited by Dzuunmod (edited 04-05-2004).]


Posts: 1515 | From: Montreal, Quebec, Canada | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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To sum up as briefly as possible:

Imagine if you will, Whitey, having sex with someone you're not attracted to. Not so great, eh? Now imagine having sex with someone to whom you ARE attracted. There's the ticket.

That, m'dear, is the easy way to describe difference for someone of a given orientation to be involved with someone of the gender to which they are attracted and that to which they are not.


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DavidsFiance
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I dont think you should use the word "Lez" thats mean wether you mean it or not.

And if your mom really thinks of you that way, then you should tell her to get a grip on reality and realise that there are more gay and bisexual people out there then there prolly ever has! And if she still doesnt understand you, then tell her to get over it, cuz your not changeing, you like what you like and thats just it! And if she still seems to be hateing you for it, then tell her that you would like to get therapy for the both of you, at the same time. Maybe that'll help her out sum, trying to understand why you choose that path. Good Luck.

------------------
Signed, Lover Gurl

[This message has been edited by DavidsFiance (edited 04-08-2004).]


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onmypathtodestiny
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Wow-you have the mother of the year. Ok that is not funny at all- just trying to lighten things up. Well, I don't what I would do if I were in your situation. I am not gay, but I am experiencing the whole bi-curiosity thing. Eventually I will be either gay or straight- I don't believe in being bi. I'm sorry this is about you right? Ok, your mom needs a whole lot of time. Right now if I could guess, she probably is feeling guilt. She probably thinks she has gone somewhere wrong in raising you. She will love you no matter what. Please remember that. She may not agree with who you choose to love, but I say that you can't please everybody. Be patient. Patience is going to be a true virtue in your situation. Maybe write a letter to her and tell her how you feel. How you love her and the family, and would never do anything intentionally to hurt them. Tell her that you preference was not a decision you made, but rather an emotion for females that wound up being an attraction-if that is the truth. Most of all,let her know that your sexuality is a part of you- it isn't all of you. I hope I have been of some help. Best of luck to you, and much luv.
Posts: 31 | From: Silver Spring, MD | Registered: Apr 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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