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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » I came out 2 my mom

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Author Topic: I came out 2 my mom
Identity_seeker_girl
Neophyte
Member # 15177

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Ok, I followed u guy's advice and I finally got the gut's 2 came out 2 my mom, i wrote her a letter, I gave it 2 her and I told her 2 read it please ( she lives ina nother house, i live with my dad) and call me at night.
She called me and she sounded very calm, but I knew she was kinda pissed, I mean, it was natural, I compleately understand, but then she said "Stephanie, u r not gay, u r just confused" and I said no, and she kept saying that I am not gay, and i said "mom, why would I lie" and she said "To grab attention" and i said no, that I just wanted 2 let her know in case one day she sees me with a girl and I introduce her 2 her as my Gf 2 not be pissed, and she said that Im confused and that I don't know what I want, 'cus I'm 2 young 2 understand my feeling and my hormones r still waiting 4 my guidense. I know who I am, I read all about what being gay is all about and everything fits, I am gay, and then my mom said that maybe I needed 2 get 2 know guy's some more and that I spent so much time with girl's that I'm confused, but i know who i am, I still haven't had a gf but i know what i want, and then she said that i haven't had a gf and that so I cannot claim 2 be something im not, I know who I am and I just want my mom 2 accept it and get it over with so I don't have 2 deal with it later on, but things r not going as I hoped, she wasnt screaming at me or anything, she was patient and everything, she was calm, but her reaction disappointed me, I never thought I would ever have to go thru something like this with her when we have always had a very open relationship were we tell eachother everything and don't over react, but her reaction is so dissapointing, ¿WHat should I do? ¿Give her time? it would be very hard 4 me 2 do that.

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stephanie


Posts: 9 | From: Tijuana, Baja California, México | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sapphirecat
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Please use standard English. It makes the posts much more readable and searchable, especially for non-native speakers. Also, feel free to break your posts into paragraphs.

As hard as it may be, sometimes all you can do is wait. Let her come to terms with it on her own time. Keep your relationship open, and hopefully everything will work out in the end.

I used to have a good pamphlet from PFLAG about this bookmarked, but it seems to have been deleted at some point.

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Sapphire Cat, a feline who can be both pink and blue...


Posts: 235 | From: Louisville KY (St. Matthews) | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
logic_grrl
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quote:
then she said that i haven't had a gf and that so I cannot claim 2 be something im not,

One good answer to this is to point out that she most likely knew that she was straight long before she ever had a boyfriend!

And sapphirecat's right, giving her time may well help. Sooner or later, she'll have to accept that it's not "just a phase" for you. At that point, you may be able to point her towards a support group like PFLAG where she can get more accurate information and talk to other parents of GLBT people.


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Kara Zor-El
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Good for you, sweetie, you've taken your first step. I think your mom took the news as well as humanly possible. I know you're disappointed that she wasn't whole-heartedly accepting but frankly, I'd be more worried if she seemed totally okay. She's processing what you've told her. Her knee-jerk reaction (denial) is normal but thank the Goddess that she didn't take a major spaz. I said before that your mom is cool, not Superwoman. She'll be fine but she hasn't had to deal with reality yet. You don't have a girlfriend. She hasn't seen you function in a relationship. I could tell my mom that I'm a serial killer but would you expect her to believe that until she finds body parts in our freezer? Wanting her to automatically accept your sexuality is just unrealistic. Parents have a hard enough time dealing with their kids as sexual creatures, let alone homosexual creatures. Be sweet to her and keep the dialogue open. You've been wrestling with this for a while but your mom's journey is just beginning.

And, by the way, if you're interested in seeing my parental/coming out issues, check this out: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/Forum15/HTML/000306.html

You're doing great, babe!
Kara

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"If you're going through Hell, keep going..."
- Winston Churchill


Posts: 123 | From: New York City | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Nicole19
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its stupid to think that just because you may not be in a relationship with a girl or a guy then you cannot know your sexuality. I i knew i was gay way before i had either a bf or a gf, and now when i do have a gf it doesnt mean i'm MORE gay!!

Well done for telling her though, that's the first step, I'm out to alot of people but still my mum isnt one of them!! I think you just need to be firm with her, let her know that this is the way your sexuality is and its not going to change.

She'll need some time to let it settle with her and to think about it but in the end she'll have to get used to it.

Good luck!!


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Identity_seeker_girl
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THank you Kara, and thank u all that answered to my post; I guess I can't blame her anymore, I forgot 2 say something, when I told her on the phone and we were talking, she said 2 me that she understand's me more that I can Imagine, and then she asked me if I knew what she meant by that, I'm so scared to think wrong about that comment, I think I would be more pissed if she told me that she is gay than her reaction toward's me, I think I would have a kinda hard time accepting it and it wouldnt be right 'cus I know I seeked for help to come ou 2 her and her to accept it as well as posible, and 4 me 2 have to go thru that the way around I think it would be so weird, any advice on that?

[This message has been edited by ookuotoe (edited 01-01-2004).]


Posts: 9 | From: Tijuana, Baja California, México | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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The only way to make sense of that is to ask her to clarify it. And I'd suggest doing that before you start taking major leaps.

She could mean any number of things -- that she clamied a given sexual identity when she was young and it felt right to her, that perhaps at your age she ID'd as bisexual, who knows.

.... except her. So, ask her what she meant.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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rayne
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Youve gotten through a step some people never admit to their parents and that I haven't yet.Your a brave person and I admire you for it.
Nikki

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coming to a theater near you........


Posts: 6 | From: jackson | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Identity_seeker_girl
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quote:
Originally posted by rayne:
Youve gotten through a step some people never admit to their parents and that I haven't yet.Your a brave person and I admire you for it.
Nikki



thank u nikki, thank u all 4 taking time 2 give me some advice and help me thru this, I haven't asked my mom what she meant when she said that she understands me more than I think, I've decided to give her a little time 2 get used 2 the idea, even thoug she didn't take it the wrong way, I think I'm gona give the topic a little rest right now, focus on mu study's and when I start datting I'll cross that bridge again, at least I now know that I can coun't on my mom 4 everything and that she is very open minded, She loves me and that's it, just the way I am, she is awesome, I'm so lucky and I know it, thank u everyone! and I hope that if someone hasnt come out 2 his parents yet, that they have good luck on not being rejected or anything, thank u everyone 4 your help!

Stephanie


Posts: 9 | From: Tijuana, Baja California, México | Registered: Oct 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XCatFightX
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It's so hard to come to terms with your own sexuality, then to have the courage to actually communicate these feelings to other people, especially the people (parents) who you look to for support and guidance and...they tell you you don't know what you want. I went through the same thing, it's been almost 2 years and my mom has gotten worse with accepting my identity if anything...I know that doesn't sound encouraging...I hope you find better support.

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"My art forgot her tampon and she's bleeding through her jeans, yeah my art don't need no tampon she'll just bleed through her jeans"-Alix Olson


Posts: 47 | From: Maine, USA | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
perceived thought
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quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by XCatFightX:
It's so hard to come to terms with your own sexuality, then to have the courage to actually communicate these feelings to other people


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Wow. I gave my best friend a letter to read saying that I've had a crush on him for like 2 years and all these other shameful (for me) details. I'm a guy, and we talked about the letter after he read it. It was so hard to just talk to him about my sexuality. I was shaking because of anxiety and nearly sobbing incoherently. It feels really weird telling somebody your only deep and dark secret. You feel alienated from them and just ostracized from the world.

Just when you thought you knew who you were, you realized that you were never that. I'm on my way to rediscover my identity.

(Random post/ideas, yes...but xcatfightx's quote triggered me to write this)


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*transient
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It's great that you told your mom. I came out to my parents a couple years ago, and they said basically the same thing: "you are confused, maybe it's just a phase, maybe it's cuz you don't hang out with many guys, how can you know if you've never had a relationship" etc... and there wasn't much I could do about that, but I had known for a while. Over the months that followed sometimes they asked me if I still thought I liked girls, and I always said yes. Eventually I hooked up with a (girl) friend from school, and it has been my best relationship so far. We are going on 9 months, and my parents are really making an effort now to get to know her because they know how much it means to me. My parents also told most of my family, and I think they find it easier when they have others to talk to about it. I guess for some people it just takes time, but it sounds like you have a pretty good relationship with your mom, and I'm sure things will get better after a while. good luck!

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*and i love her


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Identity_seeker_girl
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thank u, I actually just had a talk about that some days ago, my best friend, who is a girl, asked me if i still think that I'm gay, i said that i still think I am, and I told my mom that again, she keeps saying that i'm confused, i would love to have a girlfriend, just to get it over with and let everyone know that I am not confused.
Do any of you know a chat room for teen homosexuals?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Whoah there.

having a partner when you're queer doesn't "prove" you're queer any more than having an opposite-sex partner "proves" someone is heterosexual. And essentially using someone else to prove a point or to validate or cement your identity would be a pretty crummy thing to do.

Your identity should be about you, above and beyond anyone else. In other words, while it's nice and it helps, you should not NEED anyone else -- your parent or a partner -- to validate it for you. If that's of sole important, might be a good idea to take a look at why.

When the time comes that you meet a partner, that time comes. But wishing you could rush it up to "get it over with" or to prove your own ID are both really poor reasons to enter into any relationship.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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*transient
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I don't really know of many chatrooms or anything, but there is a site thats pretty fun and I think has chatrooms... I've never used them personally, but the site itself is good! www.technodyke.com
Posts: 61 | From: ON Canada | Registered: Dec 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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