Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Parents Don't Accept That I'm Gay

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Parents Don't Accept That I'm Gay
XCatFightX
Activist
Member # 14419

Icon 5 posted      Profile for XCatFightX     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm a 17 year old lesbian growing up in a town that isn't exactly liberal and parents to match. I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months and my parents think that she's just a friend. I came out to them over a year ago so they know I'm gay but they don't know that my (girl)friend is gay. They even have hopes of her helping to turn me straight. *eye roll*...if they only knew how ironic that really is.

Niether of my parents has come right out and said "We don't accept your being gay" though they've been openly discriminate towards GLBTQ youth in my prescense quite often. My girlfriend's mother on the other hand is young and very open as well as bisexual. She's never had a problem with me or the fact that her daughter is gay.

Here's the problem. Niether my girlfriend or her mother like the fact that I have to hide our relationship from my parents but if I want to see her then I don't have a choice. My mother was disgusted with me when I cried over an ex girlfriend that she didn't know about until the breakup. She said "I don't know why you're crying! It's just...not okay..." I have two choices. If I don't come clean to my parents then my girlfriend doesn't know if she wants to continue in a relationship full of secrets and lies which I don't necessarily blame her for...

If I do come clean then I'll be grounded and they won't allow me to see her anymore just like the last time my parents found out I had a girlfriend. Niether option gives me a warm fuzzy feeling. I won't be 18 for 6 more months and I can't see myself moving out for a couple of years.

Am I doomed to hide this part of my life from them? Is there any other way that we can all be happy?

------------------
"I'm pure as the driven slush"-Tallulah Bankhead


Posts: 47 | From: Maine, USA | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
How does your girlfriend feel about those options?

Truthfully, in my book, honestyu really is always the best policy. And I tend to feel like your grilfriend does about dating people who aren't out. It's terribly hard.

And you CAN move out and be on your own at 18. Truth be told, until very recent times, very, VERY few folks at that age, save royalty, would not be expected to be autonomous.

So, I say be honest and be sincere. Explain to them that this is your girlfriend, that you love and care for her, and reiterate that so far as your heart tells you, you're queer and this is whom you love. Make clear that while you're on their dime, you're open to negotiation and accept that they do make the rules but that while your views differ, you'd like to be respected for who you are and would like to work towards that with them, especially since it hurts like hell. Offer to find a PFLAG meeting.

Might be worth letting them know, as kindly as possible, that even if they disallow you to date those of the same-sex while you're living there, which you'd accept but be very unhappy with, you will be doing so the minute you leave, and that everything we know about orientation tells us that just like you can't "turn them" gay, no one else can make you straight, and those attempts feel very dehumanizing and hurtful. if you have a family member in your extended family who can help, call on them.

I know it's hard to be sensitive, but everything we know about bigotry and bias also tells us that a softer approach is always better: it's stuff that is very, very hard to unlearn, especially for older adults, and likely they feel the way they do because those older than them taught them as much.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Vilification
Neophyte
Member # 14465

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Vilification     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'd most heartily endorse complete honesty. Your parents will love you no matter what, despite their prejudices. They love who you are, and who YOU love should never be able to change that.
Posts: 14 | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
chickacherrycola
Neophyte
Member # 12324

Icon 1 posted      Profile for chickacherrycola     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm in a situation that's almost the opposite of yours, I am an out bisexual gorl who is going out with a girl who is not out at all. It's been really hard for me, not being able too be honest about our relationship, particularly around her family. Howver, the trick that has kept thing working for us is just very honest communication. Talk to eachother abaout what specific things about your relationship make it difficult for the both of you. Maybe you can come too certain compromises until you feel more comfortable confronting your mother. In my case, my girlfriend has been trying to educate her mother about GLBTQ youth, in the meantime, before she comes ouot too her. Sorry, if this is not terribly helpful, but direct communication could be the best thing in a situation like this. And if there is any way that you can just be honest, go for it!
Posts: 29 | From: Boulder, Colorado, USA | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
XCatFightX
Activist
Member # 14419

Icon 1 posted      Profile for XCatFightX     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by Vilification:
I'd most heartily endorse complete honesty. Your parents will love you no matter what, despite their prejudices. They love who you are, and who YOU love should never be able to change that.

I know that my parents would/will love me no matter what my actions. However, please understand that they still have complete and total control over me as far as where I can go and who I can see. I also believe that they think this has something to do with loving me;that by restricting my actions they can protect me from this gay lifestyle that they have heard nothing but trouble about until I come to my senses. I love my parents very much and I would love to have an open and healthy relationship with them. I actually DO except for this bit of it...which is what makes this so hard. We've gotten to a point where they trust me and they equate a gay lifestyle with an unhealthy out of control party type.

Thank you all for your comments and advice but I hose not to tell them and my relationship ended the next day. I'm heartbroken but I feel a relief that I didn't know I would. I've also chosen not to haes until I am 18/on my own.

------------------
"I'm pure as the driven slush"-Tallulah Bankhead


Posts: 47 | From: Maine, USA | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
-Jill
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5375

Icon 1 posted      Profile for -Jill     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
Originally posted by XCatFightX:
. . . this gay lifestyle that they have heard nothing but trouble about until I come to my senses. . . . .they equate a gay lifestyle with an unhealthy out of control party type.

Something that may help is to educate your parents about this part of your life. Honestly, if they've truly heard nothing but bad things and associate homosexuality with an "an out of control party" it's not too hard to see why they're less than accepting.

So, give them a little information. Miz Scarlet mentioned PFLAG above, and that's a great place to start. If they start to come around try to talk to them and share what you think. Knowing that you're not engaging in risky activities might go a long way towards making them feel more comfortable.

Sorry your relationship ended but I hope you can make some headway with your parents.

------------------
"I'll memorize everything you do to me/So I can teach it when it comes my turn."
-- Semisonic, "Chemistry"


Posts: 3641 | From: Truckee, CA, US | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3