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Author Topic: Help
Bookwrm105
Neophyte
Member # 14084

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I am a 14-year-old girl and I think I might be a lesbian. I've had crushes on guys, but I can't actually picture myself kissing or having sex with guys. I have, however had fantasies and (I guess) crushes on other girls. I'm very confused about this and I have some questions if I am a (gulp) lesbian.
1.How will I deal with people harassing and making fun of me at school?
2.How will I tell my parents? (my mom says i should be able to tell her anything, but, come on!)
3.Where can I go to get help or support?

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Gaffer
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Well, first of all, don't worry. These seem like life or death things (I was terrified of coming out to my friends), but they may not be as difficult as we can build them up to be. Then again, they can be much worse than predicted, so do what you're comfortable with.

1. Theoretically, schools should be safe enough places for everyone. This is not always the case--and if you aren't sure about your safety there, coming out may not be the best thing to do. Maybe you'll be lucky and everyone will be ok with it. Or maybe no one will care (as was my case). Just do what you think is right for your situation, because I think you know it better than I do.

2. This is a toughy. You just have to say it. Preferably not while in a moving vehicle or if you know your parents will react violently, or that sort of thing. Being sure of yourself and presenting this as something you have thought about a lot helps. So does having more information--like Scarleteen, for them. PFLAG is a great organization to refer them to.

3. Scarleteen is always here, but less digitally, a GSA at your school or PFLAG or GLSEN meetings are great places to look for support. Also, supportive friends, teachers, and family members are really helpful.

I hope that helps.


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Just an FYI on this too: it's pretty normal for young, heterosexual women to have girl-crushes before they have interest in men.

So, if you find that you;ve got fantaasies or crushes, but the idea, say, of having an actual sexual or romantic relationship with another woman, or the L-word, makes you feel queasy and bizarre, it may also be that you're not lesbian, but just going through very common and normal development.

There's no hurry to claim identities, and oftentimes, it's best NOT to rush it, and just take things as they go. If you're not dating, or interested in dating, anyone right now, there's really no practical need for a label anyhow.


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perceived thought
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Hi, I'm new to the forum here at scarleteen...and I've been meaning to ask the same question as bookworm did. There's just one difference - I'm a guy. I am fourteen years old, and for my past 8th grade year, I guess I've unwantingly and unexpectedly had a crush on my best friend (a guy) for the whole year, basically. I'm totally not into guys, I've always been interested in girls, but I've only felt the weird tingly feelings for girls not so many times as I have for my best friend. I always have had them for my best friend...but not really the tingly feelings so many times..I only got those feelings like once in a while with him..but whenever any part of his body touched mine, or whenever he did anything actually. I guess maybe I got aroused by the idea of any body at all on me...because I don't think I'm gay, but I'm just worried...because sometimes the idea of doing sexual activity with him interests me, but I truly cannot see myself with a man in the future (in a sexual relationship). I mean, I want to experiment with him, but I'm scared...I have already proved to myself that I am heterosexual, and other people have proved it to me to, even though they don't know what I feel inside when i get with girls. Can anybody give me advice, or opinions on what they think of my sexuality?...one more thing. sometimes, with my best friend, i act really heterosexual, and we talk about getting with girls....I mean, I have interest in girls, but how come I am getting the feelings for a guy, and not for a girl? Why am I crushing on a guy, when I don't think I'm gay, or even bi?
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lemming
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perceived thought, as to the first part of your question, I think what Miz Scarlet has said applies to you too, even as a guy in this situation. it's perfectly normal for people who are still trying to figure out who they are to have lots of different feelings (and note that I haven't said teenagers or made reference to your age--that stuff goes for everyone).

this bit of your post stuck out for me, though:

quote:
Originally posted by perceived thought:
I have already proved to myself that I am heterosexual, and other people have proved it to me to, even though they don't know what I feel inside when i get with girls.

I really don't know what you mean by having "proved" your heterosexuality to yourself. it sounds to me like you are forcing yourself into an idea of who you are, instead of just feeling whatever it is that you feel. you're allowed to have different feelings on different days. you're allowed to not pick a label yet, or at all, if you don't want to. I believe that sexuality is very fluid, and your saying that you've "proved" it to yourself seems quite restrictive. perhaps that's why you are feeling so odd about this?

and how have other people "proved" your sexual orientation/identity? I'm sorry; I simply don't follow.

quote:
Can anybody give me advice, or opinions on what they think of my sexuality?

I think what I said above, distilled: don't worry about what you're calling it. don't worry about what you think it fits into, or what you felt in the past. think about what you feel now, because you live in the present.

quote:
...one more thing. sometimes, with my best friend, i act really heterosexual,

hmm?

quote:
[...]and we talk about getting with girls....I mean, I have interest in girls, but how come I am getting the feelings for a guy, and not for a girl? Why am I crushing on a guy, when I don't think I'm gay, or even bi?

another thing to consider: maybe you just really admire this guy, and look up to him. maybe you just have a great time with him, or you're just very comfortable around him. try not to focus so much on the gender on this guy, but of the person--maybe you are crushing on this person's personality. is that at all possible?

hope this helps ;]

------------------
Laurel Lemming
Scarleteen Advocate

Kissing girls in English at the back of the stairs, you're a honey with a following of innocent boys, they never know it because you never show it..." - Belle and Sebastian


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Ecofem
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I just wanted to add this.

percieved thought, I know exactly how you feel when it comes to questioning your sexual orientation. Actually, for me, it was more of "freaking out over" than "questioning" two years ago when I first started college. I had always had gay friends and such, but I had liked boys in high school and I never really thought about the possibility of me being gay.

I'll spare you the details, but I'll just say I got incredibly anxious and depressed, spent hours worrying over, trying to figure out "what" I was, bi, gay or straight, did I like or "like" a friend, etc. It didn't matter so much which I was, so much as I just wanted to know, to have a title.

Anyhow, but you know what? I finally got tired of being miserable– I realized that all my self-analysis wasn't helping me figure anything out. Even "experimenting" with people (bad term I know) for the sake of "having been" with someone of the same sex wasn't going to help me figure anything out. What does a label mean anyway?

I decided to just focus on other aspects of my life and let life run its course– I didn't need a specific title to define my sexuality or who I was attracted to. I really believe everyone's sexual orientation is fluid to a various extents.

Later reflecting, I realized, for example, that I liked certain females for their personality, I thought they were cool and wanted to be like them, just as lemming brought up.

Some friends knew what was going on in my head, some didn't (I actually had some "friends" who stuck by me when I was questioning but basically deserted me when I told them there was pretty sure, Iafter all, did like boys, but that's another story) but I assure you everyone does question their sexual orientation.

I really like a point Miz Scarlet made awhile ago, that, for example, "a female is not a lesbian because she dislikes or isn't attracted to men, but that someone is a lesbian because she's attracted to women."

Also, having a had a sexual relationship with someone of the same sex, for example, doesn't automatically make you homosexual, just as having had a heterosexual relationship makes you heterosexual– think of people who come out after being married to and having kids with someone of the opposite sex.

I really like the term "queer" as I think it's really all-emcompassing for pretty much everyone but that's another story...

Good luck and try not to stress out too much, just let things happen, and everything will work out in the end.

------------------
"Tear up the cloak of indifference that you have wrapped around your hearts! Make up your minds before it is too late!" ~Sophie Scholl


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perceived thought
Neophyte
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I'd like to thank everybody who gave me advice. I liked what Ecofem said though: I should just let my feelings flow and not really worry about it.

When I was reading, I also thought about what lemming said - I shouldn't constrict myself to heterosexuality. And lemming is right. Besides the reason that I'd like thank everybody, I want to get back to the questions lemming had, and also make a few comments on what Ecofem said.

Lemming, you are right for questioning why and how I "proved my heterosexuality to myself," and also "having my friends prove it to me". A reason I said that is because I had a long talk with two of my friends on that issue, and I guess that after I talked about the situation, and realized my past and current sexual relationships with people, I just realized that I don't really think I'm attracted to men. Another reason I said it is because I realize that I look up to some men...and the possibility of looking up to my best friend as sort of a "role model" might be one reason for some of these feelings, like Ecofem said as a reply for my questions.

Now to the next question that lemming had.
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
...one more thing. sometimes, with my best friend, i act really heterosexual,
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
the reason I said that is because sometimes when I am with my friend, it just feels like I'm having heterosexual feelings, just because we're talking about girls, and relating about stuff in the opposite sex category. But as I'm thinking, I'm just realizing that I may have a misconception of the term "heterosexual". But I'm already starting to see heterosexuality itself as an inappropriate label for me, and I think for a lot of people. But those are labels, and most labels are never accurate.

quote (Ecofem):
--------------------------------------------
Later reflecting, I realized, for example, that I liked certain females for their personality, I thought they were cool and wanted to be like them, just as lemming brought up.
------------------------------------

I really can see this being one of the many reasons for my problems. At some points last year during the school year, I started noticing that I was acting the way my friend did, and I usually got comments from people saying "you and him are exactly alike!". What you said (Ecofem) just made a lot of sense.


Well now, I guess I've learned a lot of stuff, and I'd like to thank Lemming, and Ecofem for all their opinions, knowledge, and support. I better go, and expect to see more of me and my questions in the forum!


-perceived thought

[This message has been edited by perceived thought (edited 07-20-2003).]


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lemming
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you're welcome, Perceived, and glad to have you around the forum! we're always reevaluating and thinking and learning and trying new things, and sometimes it just makes more sense not to try to find someone else's label that fits what you're feeling.

ever heard of the Kinsey Scale?

------------------
Laurel Lemming
Scarleteen Advocate

Kissing girls in English at the back of the stairs, you're a honey with a following of innocent boys, they never know it because you never show it..." - Belle and Sebastian


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Ecofem
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hey perceived thought–

I'm glad you found what I said to be helpful, because I was feeling kind of vulnerable and unsure of how it was going to come across when writing it, my sexual orientation questioning not being something I generally discuss with people I don't know on a daily basis! As confusing and frustrating figuring out sexual orientation can be, it's cool that you're able to talk about it.

I really like Scarleteen, too, and always check it first thing when I wake up (whenever that may be)– I look forward to reading your future posts, too, because of your (well, at least in these posts) clear and introspective post-writing style Personally, I often find myself having trouble wording what I want to say in a post...

------------------
"Tear up the cloak of indifference that you have wrapped around your hearts! Make up your minds before it is too late!" ~Sophie Scholl


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perceived thought
Neophyte
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Hey again.

I have another question about what I previously wrote in this thread. I'd like to know if you would think that I should tell my best friend (the guy I was talking about in the posts in this thread before) all that has been going on within me (as in what I described to you in the previous posts in this thread), or should I just keep all of this to myself and pretend like nothing bad has happened.

I'm going to be moving very very soon, and I won't see him for a long while, so I was thinking that if I left with unsettled feelings in my mind, it would be bad for me.

Comments, and opinions would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

-perceived thought


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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I think only you can decide that.

One thing I would take into consideration though, is that after you say what you do, and then move, neither of you will be able to further process this in one another's company.

For you, that's a bit easier, because it's stuff you've been thinnkig about for quite some time, but for him, how HE feels about it is likely going to take at least a few weeks or so for him to decipher and process, so it may not be entirely -- fair? kind? -- to unload that knowing he won't get the chance to do same.

I'd also give some thought to what you want from divulging this, and what you might expect to happen in doing so, especially as you seem to have come to the conclusion that you aren't attracted to men, nor do you wish to pursue anything further with this one.

Food for thought.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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Jockette
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I definatly feel you i knew when i was your age that i was a lesbian. If you truly believe that you are gay, don't rush to come out. You have to do it when you are ready.There are always going to be people that aren't going to understand and say that you are too young to be gay, but i don't think so. I would start by telling someone you trust and the more you know and trust them that harder it can be. And whne you do decide to tell yuor parents i would wait until you are out of the house. I came out to my parents and i still live at home and we haven't talked about it since i told them almost a year ago. I would definatly wait. And sometimes it's good to tell one parent at a time. And stress to them that they didn't do anythign wrong and this is the way you were meant to be and they couldn't have done anything to change it. And if you want to find more kids like you look in the phonebook for your city's Gay and lesbian Center and give them a call they probaley have a youth group also check the internet, and there are many books and movies you can get like BOOKS: Family Outing, and Am i Blue? MOVIES: Claire of the Moon, If these walls could talk 2, Better than Chocolate, and Go Fish. I know reading and watching movies helped me learn that i'm not the only one and it's going to be ok. And if you ever get in trouble call the Gay and Lesbian Center they can normally always help. Take Care and Be Strong. And if anyone says anything to you remember it is their ignorance and they are afraid fo the unknown and there is nothing wrong with you.

Courtney


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perceived thought
Neophyte
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Hey.

Thanks for the advice, Miz Scarlet. You made a good point in saying that it wouldn't be a good thing to do, since I'm moving and all, but I guess I didn't think enough of the situation before coming to the forum.

I did think about what I would get from letting him know about this (after Miz Scarlet told me her thoughts about it), and that's really just one small thing - letting him know what has been on my mind for so long. I guess I just sometimes feel that I have to "come clean", and that's the whole reason I asked in the first place.

I changed my mind though, I won't be telling him.

Anyways, thanks.

-perceived thought


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