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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Partner of someone confused about their sexuality

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Author Topic: Partner of someone confused about their sexuality
Member # 9871

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I have been with my boyfriend for four years, we have just come back from travelling the world together for a year and now he has decided to leave me as he is confused about his sexuality.

I have always known that he is bi-sexual but he says that now his fantasises are just about blokes, (maybe because hes with a woman?) he thinks he might be gay.

We love eachother deeply and want to stay together, but his confusion and worry (about his whole identity in general) are driving him away. Has anyone got any advice? Has anyone been in this situation?

Also does anyone know any supportive sources out there for partners of people confused about their sexuality? I can't find anything.

Posts: 2 | From: Gloucester | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 6450

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I think the best thing for you to do is try and understand that he is confused and needs some time-maybe away from you to sort out his feelings and try and make sense of how he feels.

You could tell him you want to be there for him, for support and to be a friend to him. That way you wouldn't have to totally be apart from him and he would be able to have some time to figure out how he feels.

Hope this helps.

Why does a rose represent love, when a rose always dies??

Friends are like condoms, they help out when things get hard.

Posts: 473 | From: Virginia | Registered: Jan 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 9384

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I tried to do a web search for you and I recommend you contact your nearby hospitals and see if they have support groups for you and him. I also recommend you contact the nearest crisis line that should offer you advice.
Have you been to the Straight Spouse Network site for their informative advice?

cofused333's advice is TRULY important to consider too.

best of luck

Posts: 73 | From: Louisville, KY USA | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 5272

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Same situation mate.
My (ex?)girlfriend has been having lesbian relationships since she was a kid, and despite the fact that she loved me, and I thiink she STILL does, she's too confused to be with a guy.
My attempt at a solution has been to leave her pretty much alone, and phone about once every week or two to check up on her as a friend. I just hope that she's not having too rough a time.


Posts: 59 | From: London, UK | Registered: Sep 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 9871

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After a month thought i'd update the situation.

Well I left him alone and didn't contact him after he left, he moved up to London. Then a couple of weeks after he got up there he phoned me just to talk to me I could tell he was missing me but he hadn't changed his mind he said he had to do it, as he wouldn't want to lie to me and would maybe have ended up resenting me which he wouldn't want to do as he thinks the world of me. He seemed keen to keep contact and asked if I wanted to call him in a few weeks I said no as you split up with me! I said you can call me if you want to not if you need to but if you want to.

Anyone a week and a half later he called again, a few days ago and we talked for ages. It was just as if we were still together, very teasing and flirty. And his attitude has shifted a bit, he says he misses me a lot, he wants to phone me all the time and that he was definitely was attracted to me, we did fall in love etc. He said when he finished with me that maybe it hadn't been attraction at the beginning, I think he wanted it to be black or white - gay or straight. But he realised that it isn't black or white so to speak. He says he thinks about women and men.

Hes also very eager for us to meet up again, this weekend but I told him its way too soon, and he was upset about this. He said he didn't want the day we meet up to be too far away. Although hes left me physically he doesn't seem to have left me emotionally. He seems more upset about it all than me. He says we should speak every week. He wants to talk about when we were together.

He doesn't say he wants me back at the moment, though his behaviour suggests it. But I can't continue to be there for him while its still hurting me, I need to move on. So i'm going to stop contact until I get over it now, as its like we're still together. This may be the point at which he realises hes made a mistake and he wants me back as I can't imagine how hes going to deal with it and yet hes the one who broke up. But I can't be there for him at the moment I need to help myself get over him. His phonecall this week has just taken me back to square one again, complete confusion. He says one thing and acts another way.

Deep down I know its more than sexuality its also an issue of commitment hes terrified to be with one person and take that responsibility. Well its time for me to focus on me for once and hes going to have to look elsewhere for love and understanding. I need someone more emotionally stable and not so terrified of everything. I love him still but I've learnt that love isn't the only thing you need for a realtionship that works its also the same outlook on life and what its about unfortunately ours are different - probably due to our backgrounds. He had a very unstable family background i've had a loving one, which I'm very lucky to have had.

I've wittered on a bit. But I've come so far since I last posted. I do want to be friends with him at some point in the future but I can't right now, and if I did stay friends with him now sharing everything as we always do, he'd never get back together with me anyway as he'd stil have me in everyway but sexually!! Which would suit him fine.

But its time to make me happy.

Thanks those of you who answered my post.

Posts: 2 | From: Gloucester | Registered: Sep 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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