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Author Topic: confusion
benhur
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Hello everyone. Well, just a confused mail from a 15-year-old male somewhere in Europe. Lately I've been thinking a lot about sexuality and identity. I know I have always been different and am probably considered weird by most of the people in my age group. I have only one or two male friends, who are quiet people like me. Otherwise, I don't feel I have anything in common with most of the boys my age and prefer staying in my room to spending time with other kids my age. I have never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend and feel that all kind of pairing is quite silly. I am attracted to girls sexually, but I don't feel that I could ever fit into the "male role" and prefer staying alone (although it's not nice all the time).

So, I'm just thinking maybe I could be a gay. How do people usually find out if they are? I haven't felt sexually aroused by other guys, but maybe it's just because I haven't allowed myself to. In my hometown people seem to think that there just are no gays, just some weirdos and loners. It is quite homophobic as well. I also feel quite strongly against anti-gay things, but will never say aloud what I think.

Quite a confusing mail, I know. I guess it would just help if someone would share his experiences.


Posts: 2 | From: Sweden | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
benhur
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Sorry, I'm replying to my own mail now I just wanted to add that I've had crushes with some other boys in the past, although I never (to this date) thought that they might mean I'm gay. I mean there are guys who I have admired and felt a special kind of interest towards. With girls I only seem to get along as friends.
Posts: 2 | From: Sweden | Registered: Jul 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
rambler
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Hey, benhur, and welcome.

I have been through some of the stuff you're talking about so let me try to take a stab at this.

Basically, I went through a lot of wondering about pairing off, too, when all of my peers were doing it and I just wasn't all that interested. I mean, sex and all that just weren't at the forefront for me like they were for other people. I wasn't all that concerned about it, and I didn't particularly feel "turned on" by anyone for quite some time. It was very odd to me and I felt out of place.

I guess somewhere along the line something happened and I started to let myself see that I was sexually attracted to women. What I mean by this is I just had never considered it before and then one day it hit me on the head, hard, and I wondered where the hell that came from. So I have been there as far as "letting myself" recognize attraction and I do think that people can block it out, because I did. But ultimately I found that the conclusions I came to when I stopped blocking it out (namely that I was a lesbian) were wrong. It was really bizarre to me that I could come out and be wrong about it. I felt really messed up, then, too...

So ultimately my advice would be--don't worry so much about it right now. Questioning is an okay thing, and can be a lot better than forcing yourself to come to a conclusion and finding out that it's wrong. Ultimately it doesn't matter what you are as long as you're satisfied with your [sex] life, and that doesn't have to include pairing up. I have come to a lot of different conclusions about my sexuality over the years and they're bound to change again as I get to know myself better so I really don't see a problem with just relaxing a bit about it, thinking about it when it strikes you, and coming to a conclusion slowly. I could make a guess about "what you are" based on what you've said here, but, well, that's really up to you and depends on how important you think certain aspects of your sexuality are and what you're willing to consider yourself to be...which doesn't have to be ANYTHING.
Sexuality is complicated and often fluid, so I really wouldn't rush this. Take some time to get to know yourself and you'll come to a conclusion--or maybe not. That's okay.

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rambler
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John Doe
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Ben Hur,
probably the best way of knowing is by what you think about when you masterbate. If most of the images in your mind are of guys, then it is likely that you are gay, if most are of girls then in all probabliity you are straight, and if its 50-50 then you are probably bi.

Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Milke
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Fantasy is fantasy. Should I fantasise about setting stuff on fire, that wouldn't necessarily mean I was an arsonist, just that I maybe had some fascination with the idea, and should keep that in mind. Really, being straight, gay, bi, whatever isn't something that can necessarily be that easily determined.
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John Doe
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Milke, I think you are confusing a behavior, like being an arsonist, with a question of identity and orientation. I'm sure that there are other things that one might consider, but as a window into your sexual orientation, I doubt there is anything which is more telling that your masterbatory fantisies. i am not saying this with any judgement about what orientation is best. Lord knows that the whole world thinks that a big part of my orientation is the absolute worst possible. That I am fit for only torture and being murdered, even though I have never done anything wrong. A veiw that is largely supported by even the most "liberal" elements of the media. I am just putting this out there so he can try to come to terms with who he is, whatever that may turn out to be.
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Heather
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Sexologically speaking, that is flawed logic.

Human sexuality studies have actually shown, done by everyone from Kinsey to Morin to Foucault -- that sexual fantasies are NOT a reliable indicator of sexual orientation or sexual desire in actuality.

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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John Doe
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What then is the single most reliable indicator of your orientation? Fantisy is something that comes from within you, and is not externally imposed. Behavior can't be the best indicator since that would imply that many people have no sexual orientation until they lose their virginity, and in the case of say priests and nuns who keep their vows, they never would have a sexual orientation. Personally that could save me a lot of grief, since I have never acted on my orientation, so then it must not exist, so I can't get persicuted for it. (nice dream anyways) By the way to you have a citation or web address for getting the Kinsey study on line, I looked for it in a couple of B&N's and have not found it.
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Heather
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There is no one single most reliable indicator. Orientation simply isn't that simple. Most sexologists and sexuality workers agree that it is a pretty even combination of a person's sexual attractions, romantic relationships, sexual beahviors, self-identification and fantasy when they ALL meet on some level, give or take certain situations. Again, sexual orientation refers to GENDER attraction, or in the case of bi/pansexuality, a lack of distinction in attraction between genders.

For instance, it would be a given that in a culture where homosexual behavior is criminal that bvehaviour might not be a very good idicator, yet with all of those other combined factors, one could still have a very good idea about one's orientation. However, the "virginity" issue doesn't seem apt to me, as it only refers to male/female intercourse, and even in childhood, most people participate in various sexual behaviors, includinng anything from fondiling and kissing to role play to other forms of genital sex besides intercourse.

But fantasy in and of itself is unreliable because while fantasy extrapolates from reality, it is not based in relaity, nor is it indicative of what a person wishes for in reality, many women's prevalent rape fantasies being an excellent example.

I'm not sure which Kinsey study in particular you are looking for as there have been many since Kinsey began his work. But a good overview of a lot of varied information from the Kinsey Institute can be found in The Kinsey Institute New Report on Sex which is very easy to find. However, more specific to this topic is Homosexuality/Heterosexuality: Concepts of Sexual Orientation (Oxford University Press), which is not as easy to find, though any academic bookstore could easily order it for you.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


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John Doe
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Is it common for a gay man to jerk off to thoughts of having sex with women, or for a straight man to jerk off to thoughts of having oral sex with another man? I'm not saying that everyone wants their fantisys to come true (ie rape fantisys). (could change genders here for both, but as i guy, I tend to think in those terms first)
One could also define virginity some what more losely here, to avoid the only hetero trap, as say first sexual encounter leading to orgasim with a partner (I admit that it would tend to work better for guys, who almost always have an orgasim durring sex, while for women it can be more hit or miss).

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Heather
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Actually, the single most common heterosexual sexual fantasy is same-sex sex.

As I understand it it is NOT as common for homosexuals to have opposite-sex fatasies, but my guess there would be that it has to do with being inundated with so much heter-oriented culture and sexual material as it is.

------------------
Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

My epitaph should read: "She worked herself into this ground."
-- Kay Bailey Hutchinson


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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