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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » I need help. All advice welcome, or needed!

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Author Topic: I need help. All advice welcome, or needed!
Member # 4008

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First off, I just want to say Hi to everyone, I've been sat in the background reading your posts and now I need your help -I think you will give me the best advice anyone can.

Here goes. I know that I am Bi, but I have been kinda hiding it from everyone around me. The problem is I want to tell people but I don't want to hurt my family and those close to me. This sort of thing is not accepted within my family - my mum thinks people attracted to people of the same sex are freaks and will have nothing to do with them.

I also have a boyfriend whom I don't want to be with, and who has decided he is in love with me. What the hell am I suppose to tell him? He is homophobic too.

Some of my close friends, I think would be cool, some of them kinda know but I don't think its taken seriously. If I were to tell tham straight I don't think many of them would ever speak to me. On top of it I guess you could say I'm in the "in" crowd and a lot of people around me are pretty superficial. They don't like people who are different to themselves.

So, can anyone help this poor confused gal?

Posts: 6 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 3023

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Okay--I have been here, so I'm going to try to tackle this.

First of all there are a lot of different issues at hand, here.

If you don't want to be with your boyfriend, you don't want to be with him. That's very simple, and you should not feel guilty and/or as if this is somehow based on your sexual orientation. I mean, obviously if you genuinely don't want to be with him then it is for more reasons than just this, so you should just tell him. It is hard, but I think it will be a lot harder to stay in a relationship you do not want. Not to mention that you will not be being true to yourself and what YOU want.

Which brings me to the second point. Ultimately, coming out is going to mean that you are being true to what you want and what you feel despite what society says. Now, with your friends being in the "in" crowd, this may be difficult for you. But you yourself have said how superficial they can be. So--the question is whether or not coming out to them and being true to yourself is more important to you than pleasing them when you already know that they are superficial people. I'm not going to tell you what to do on this and I am not lecturing you--I am just pointing out what the real issue is there. I mean, you do not HAVE to come out to anyone, because your sexuality is your own business. But if you feel that you are living something of a lie by remaining in the closet then I think that is an important thing to think about.

As far as your parents go... well, that is a little bit hairier. For instance, your parents have a certain amount of control over you whereas you don't have to in any way let your friends or boyfriend control you (and if you did, I'd be a little worried). You may find that it would be safer to come out to them once you are financially stable--but again, if you feel that it is really important not to live a lie, and you are willing to face up to their reactions, then I think you should do what you ultimately feel is best.

I am not out to everyone--I am not out to my mother, or various people I know at school, but I HAVE come out to a good number of people who I know support me and who I can go to on the days when I wonder why it has to be that I have to hide it from other people. Generally, though, I am fine with my situation. Remember: your sexuality is your business, and whether or not you come out to your family, I think, depends a lot on if you are close to them and trust them with that information, because it is VERY personal. They certainly are not looking to you for approval of their sexual practices and I don't believe that you have to look to them for approval of the people you find attractive. However, honesty is always the best policy. In being honest at least you know you have done the right thing. If your parents have a bad reaction, that will be something you will need to deal with, but their non-acceptance of you is their problem and something which they will have to wrestle with as time goes on--because their homophobia is not right.

There are a lot of good articles and books out there on coming out, including some on this site. I'd find you some, but I've gotta run! In any case, good luck, hon, and keep us posted!

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Posts: 141 | Registered: Mar 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 1896

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And welcome to the boards, topgirl.

I think rambler has given you some excellent advice, here. Being with someone you don't want to be with and discovering your sexual orientation is a little different from what you thought are two different things. So get rid of that relationship first. And then think about who you want to come out to. But rambler really has said pretty much all.
The only thing I can add here, is that in case you haven't read them, check out our articles

"Don't let the door hit syou on your way OUT"


"The Bees...and the Bees".

Our lovely Heather also has a bisexuality column over at technodyke


Hope this helps a little.

~spanking new Scarleteen Sexpert~

"We must become the change we want to see."
Mahatma Gandhi

[This message has been edited by Alaska (edited 06-07-2001).]

Posts: 4526 | From: germany | Registered: Nov 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 4008

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Thanks so much for all of your advice rambler and Alaska. It really helps to get another perspective on it.

I will take your advice into much thought, and probable action.

Thanks again and I will keep you posted.

Posts: 6 | From: UK | Registered: Jun 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
John Doe
Member # 3836

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I agree that if you don't want to be with your boyfriend, you shouldn't be with him, but do your best to be nice about how you break up with him. You said that he has decided thay he loves you, so this will be tough on him. But if you see no hope in the relationship, it would be cruel to keep on going out with him and leading him on. So it is better to break up sooner than later, but try not to hurt him to much when you do it. You don't have to tell him about likeing other girls.
Posts: 475 | From: ohio | Registered: May 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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