My boyfriend came out to me about 7 months ago that he was bisexual. I am very comfortable with this and am very supportive...encouraging him to go to bi-socials, etc. But sometimes I am not as comfortable as I want to be. I know that he loves me very much and I feel the same way I do about him. We are in a monogamous relationship and are very open with each other. We have almost been together a year and I am wondering if there are others out there who are in the same situation I am in. As I am getting older, I am also looking towards the future and possibly marriage...I feel very comfortable with this guy and we get along great. But it seems like I an always hearing about bisexual relationships that end up in marriage go astray because of denial. Is this all negative news or is this typically what happens? Am I worrying about something that isn't even there? All advice welcome.
Posts: 2 | Registered: Mar 2001
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Hello! I'm your cheerful host of Scarleteen, and also a very happilly married and monogamous chickie who has been bisexual since she was 11, and who has usually been in monogamous relationships in her life by her own choosing, because they make her happiest.
The thing to understand is like this: you're heterosexual. That means you *can* be attracted to men, but not all men, and probably a fairly select group of men, yes? And you being attracted to men doesn't mean that you can't be *most* attracted to your guy, or be plenty happy with him alone even though you could feasibly find others attractive, right?
Same things goes for bisexuals. Their select group can just be of men and women. Really, it is that simple.
Now, someone people -- whether they are het, homo or bi -- are more comfortable with more than one partner. And while that is certainly an issue to discuss, it is a whole different issue: being bisexual doesn't incline someone towards unhappy monogamy more than anyone else.
Monogamous means having only one serious/committed relationship at a time, where both partners agree not to pursue certain attractions outside of their relationship.
There's another way of doing relationships that's often referred to as polyamorous, where people may be involved in multiple committed or not so committed relationships at once, or are involved in relatiosnhips and free to pursue other attractions at the same time as long as everyone involved is honest and forthright about it.
Both ways of having relationships can be right for people at different times in their lives, or sometimes people will choose to only be involved in one kind of relationship style for their whole lives.
[This message has been edited by ErinK (edited 03-31-2001).]
I can honestly say that I sympathize with the situation, but mine may be little more complicated than that; my bf came out a little more than a year ago, and since he's still looking at himself, sometimes he deals with conflicts about himself (like he sometimes feels more attracted to guys or girls)and he's very open about it with me. I can honestly say, that even though he's committed to me monogamously, it is still hard on me and sometimes he hurts me unintentionally. I don't know quite what the future holds (especially because we're about to be 500 miles away from each other for the next year) but I can confidently say that he is one of the best people I know,and we're both sure that he's comfortable with settling down with one person (no matter who it may be).
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Posts: 67 | From: El Paso, Texas, United States | Registered: Jun 2000
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Both me and my b/f are bisexual, so I can relate. I don't think it should be an issue at all: you wouldn't worry too much about him running off with other girls just because he was hetero . . . it's the same thing with bisexuals.
i hope this doesn't cause offense to anyone, but i used to have a bisexual boyfriend and it made me very uncomfortable. i did not like the fact that he would discuss his fantasies about men with me. i wasn't opposed to him telling me about his bisexual feelings but i felt like any straight girl would if her boyfriend was talking about other women. also, my boyfriend wanted to have a polygamous relationship with both me and another guy. finally things broke off.i was wondering to those of who do are bisexual, how do you handle your attraction to both men and women while in a monogamous relationship. is it possible for a bisexual person to have a happy marriage with one sex without bringing others into it. i don't fully understand and it seems very unfair and not right for someone to pressure you into sharing them with another person.
------------------ like i always say, whatever floats your boat as long as you don't sink mine. :)
What happened between you and your boyfriend is really only happened between you and your boyfriend. It is not by any means a rule that bisexuals can't be monogamous. Just as some straight people choose to have polyamorous relationships, so do some bisexuals. And just as some straight people choose to have monogamous relationships, so do some bisexuals. It is a very individual thing, and is quite seperate from sexual orientation. Just because you are attracted to men, doesn't mean you must date all men at the same time, right? Well, it works the same way. Just because a bisexual may be attracted to men and women, it doesn't mean that they must date both a man and a woman at the same time. I'm personally attracted to both men and women, but I've never had any problem at all with maintaining monogamous relationships. I usually just like to focus on one person at a time, that's a personal preference seperate from my sexual orientation. And as to the marriage permanency question, I have a bisexual cousin who has been in a monogamous marriage with a man for, um . . . ok, I don't remember, but a really long time. Like at least fifteen years. So yes, it's perfectly possible.
It is completely possible! you could ask how does a straight person in a monogamous relationship handle their atraction to people oe the opposite sex. just because someone is bisexual dosen't make them more sexual or more likely to cheat or anything.
Posts: 45 | From: Toronto, Ontatio, Canada | Registered: Apr 2001
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I kinda agree with some on this subject. I'm bi and my boyfriend is totally, 100% cool with it. He never really even had a problem with it at all. Even if he did, what could he do about it? It's not his sexuality, it's mine, right? So anyways, I know that at one point in the beginning he was a little uncomfortable with it because he thought that I didn't think he was good enough and that's why I had came out - that he wasn't good enough. I told him that that it was an extremely ABSURD idea (I've pretty much always been bi....past incidents...) so I was just wondering who's been in this situation and what they did about it to make their partner feel more...secure (??) about it. Thanks
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