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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » is it more than friendship?

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Author Topic: is it more than friendship?
abby
Neophyte
Member # 1501

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My best friend came out about two years ago. Until then, I'd never considered that I might be bi, but ever since it's plagued me a great deal. I find at times I'm quite attracted to her, and I do love her a lot. I feel similarly about another good friend of mine, albeit, not as strongly, and she is bi.
I have no sexual experience of either the straight or gay variety, but I am quite sure I'm attracted to guys, just these friends of mine throw me. Is it possible that I'm reacting to sexual tension?
Are these just awesome friendships or I am I bi?
comments? reactions? they'd be helpful for the confused.

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Pixie69
Activist
Member # 406

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Darling you are whatever you want to be. If you feel that you're bi then call yourself bi, if you're "straight but not narrow" or "opensexual" than be that. Do you like them in a sisterly way? Do you like them in a sexual way? Would you want a relationship with them beyond friendship? Do you feel this way for other females?

Just think about these questions, you can answer them for us if you like, but remember you are whatever you want to be.

Brittany

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I'm the good girl that everyone thinks is a bad girl pretending to be a good girl :D


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Hanne
Sexpert
Member # 100

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Brittany's got it down. Yay Brittany!

One thing to keep in mind is that sometimes, whether we're straight or gay or bi, male or female or transgendered, we just fall for someone because we've grown to love them... and sometimes, those people aren't the folks we expect to fall for. Very few people are 100% gay or 100% straight or 100% anything. Being attracted to someone might simply mean that you are attracted to an individual person, and that in that particular instance, gender and sex just so happen to be irrelevant.

This doesn't necessarily mean you're going to feel strongly enough about it to do anything about it, it doesn't necessarily mean you won't. It doesn't mean you have to change your self-identification or the way you talk and think about yourself in any way (although it might -- but it is not required). It happens, and it's normal, it's common, and it's okay.

Just FYI, this sort of thing happens in all different directions. Hetero folks are sometimes attracted to same-sex people, gay and lesbian folks are sometimes attracted to opposite-sex people... bi folk sometimes get much more attracted to one sex than another... and when you add transsexual and intersexual people to the mix, the possibilities are endless. And it can all be absolutely healthy and fine and okay. So don't fret too hard. Just enjoy where you are, and enjoy your friends and loves, respect yourself and your gut feelings, and you should be just fine.

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Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

Start a Revolution -- Stop Hating Your Body!


Posts: 1538 | From: boston, ma, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kimberly
Neophyte
Member # 1472

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I have the same problem. I went to girls-only schools all my life and grew up with my mom only (I have no siblings). I have always had only woman friends. I am attracted to women but in an emotional way. Not really sexually. In fact, I wouldn't mind at all kissing and holding hands with another girl, that kind of stuff. But not anything *down there*! LoL. So I have difficulty categorizing myself. And maybe that's exactly the problem, that we seem to look for labels to describe ourselves. And sometimes it's not that easy. I certainly don't think of myself as a "lesbian." But I also know I am hardly your average straight girl either. Oh well

Kim


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Hanne
Sexpert
Member # 100

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One thing that might be helpful for you to think about is that there are two different terms to describe being very socially connected to people of the same sex -- this is called "homosocial" or "homosociality" -- and being very sexually and romantically attracted to people of the same sex, which is "homosexual" or "homosexuality."

Homosociality, associating exclusively (or almost exclusively) with people of the same sex, is not a sexual orientation, but a social orientation: the people you are inclined to be with and spend time with are people of your own sex and gender. It is perfectly normal to have intense friendships and to feel love for people with whom you are not sexual and not interested in having any sort of carnal relationship. In fact, until fairly recently, historically, women were much more socially segregated from men and were *expected* to have very deep homosocial friendships with other women, and no one thought anything of it.

Enjoy your friendships. It's an excellent thing to love your friends. It doesn't mean they have to be your lovers or that you want them to be.

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Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

Start a Revolution -- Stop Hating Your Body!


Posts: 1538 | From: boston, ma, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kimberly
Neophyte
Member # 1472

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Hanne: thanks so much, your reply was very informative and helpful. I really think they should give this kind of information at schools. One last question though: would you say then that it is impossible to be really in love with another girl unless that physical (sexual) component is there? What I mean is, I have had in the past what would seem to be very strong romantic feelings toward my friends, just not in a sexual way.
I gues these would be just part of the strong same-sex social relationships you described?

Kim


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Hanne
Sexpert
Member # 100

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There are a lot of ways to feel love for someone. Sexual love is only one way of feeling love for someone. There is nothing at all that prohibits you from feeling romantic love for someone for whom you don't feel a sexual interest.

Love and emotional bonding can include sexual expressions of that love, but they sure don't have to. I've been very deeply in love with people about whom I have had no sexual feelings whatsoever. Occasionally, I've chosen to use sex as a way of expressing that love, even though my bond with that person wasn't really a sexual one at its root -- there are situations, sometimes, where that can feel right for everyone concerned.

Basically, the answer is that yes, you sure can love people without loving them carnally. "Eros" is the Greek word for sexual love... but the Greeks had other words for other kinds of love, too, like "philos," the love of family and friends, and "agape," spiritual love. I think the Greeks were on to something with having three different names for different kinds of love. Many relationships between people consist of a combination of these different kinds of love, but not all of them do. The way you love a regular old friend is not the same way that you love your parents. The way you love your parents is not the same as the way you love your dog, or a lover, or a favorite teacher, or a soulmate/best friend. They're all different flavors, all different combinations, and that's really very normal and okay.

You can have crushes, infatuations, romantic love, the whole shooting match, for people for whom you don't feel sexual desire. Sometimes that's just the way it happens.

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Hanne Blank
Co-Editor, Scarleteen

Start a Revolution -- Stop Hating Your Body!


Posts: 1538 | From: boston, ma, USA | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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