I GOT A QUESTION FOR YOU ALL! A LITTLE CONFUSING, BUT I BELIEVE YOU ALL ARE A SMART BUNCH, SO I AM NOT TOO WORRIED. HERE IT GOES...OK, IF SOMEONE, WHEN THEY WERE YOUNGER, LIKED GUYS, BUT DIDN'T PLAY WITH BARBIES...THEY PLAYED WITH G.I. JOES, THEY LOVED FOOTBALL, RACE CARS, AND BASICALLY EVERY OTHER MASCULINE THING YOU COULD THINK OF...THAT WOULD MAKE THEM A TOMBOY...RIGHT? WELL, AS THEY GOT OLDER, THEY DIDN'T LIKE GUYS AS MUCH AS THEY USED TO...COULDN'T FLIRT WITH THEM...THEY WOULD RATHER BE ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM THEN BE A CHEERLEADER...THEN, ALL OF THE SUDDEN, CERTAIN GIRLS STARTED TO GET "IMPORTANT" SUCH AS, NOT BEING ABLE TO THINK OF ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT THIS CERTAIN GIRL OR GIRLS...BUT THIS SOMEONE DIDN'T KNOW WHY THESE GIRLS WERE SO SPECIAL. HAVE I LOST YOU? ANYWAY, I WOULD SUSPECT THAT THIS PERSON I AM TALKING ABOUT HAD A CRUSH ON GIRLS. AT THAT POINT, YOU COULD CALL THEM BI...THEN, AS ADOLESCENCE CAME ALONG, THIS PERSON DIDN'T LIKE GUYS AT ALL! THIS PERSON STARTED LIKING KD LANG, MELISSA ETHERIDGE, YA KNOW, FOUND HERSELF OF GAY MESSAGE BOARDS AND CHATS. AT THIS POINT, IS THIS CERTAIN PERSON A HOMOSEXUAL, OR IS IT JUST ADOLESCENCE? IT IS ONE THING TO HAVE A CRUSH ON A GIRL, BUT IT IS ANOTHER TO WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM...AM I RIGHT? WHAT I AM THINKING IS SEX=GAY AND CRUSH=ADOLESCENCE...THIS PERSON I AM TALKING ABOUT IS MYSELF...I FOUND MYSELF THINKING 2 OF MY FRIENDS WERE SOOO SEXY YESTERDAY, AND I WANTED TO GET IN BED WITH THEM...I HAVE TO SAY THAT I HAVE HAD CRUSHES ON GIRLS BEFORE, BUT NEVER FELT LIKE I WANTED TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM... CAN ANYONE HELP ME OUT? Posts: 2 | From: earth | Registered: Sep 2000
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Well, I sure can't tell you if you're gay or not, or if you're bisexual or not. Only you can decide that, and it may take a few years before you really have a good idea of what sorts of people you desire and what kinds of desires you feel for them (these things aren't always so simple!).
I can tell you that being a tomboy doesn't necessarily mean someone's going to be gay or bisexual. I know plenty of former tomboys who turned out straight as rulers, and plenty of lesbians and bisexual women who loved their Barbies and playing dress-up.
Liking particular bands or singers, books, TV shows, or movies doesn't mean you're bisexual or gay, either. I'm bisexual and I can't stand Ani Di Franco or Dar Williams and one of my ideas of hell would be to be trapped in an elevator with Ellen DeGeneres -- it just doesn't mean much.
It sounds like you're feeling confused because of crushes and desires that don't really seem to make a lot of sense. And that's okay. They don't have to make a lot of sense, and you can't always force them to, anyway.
Having sex with someone of the same sex as you are is not what makes you gay. Having a crush on someone of the same sex doesn't make you gay, either. And adolescents are not the only people who get crushed out on other people -- happens to adults all the time.
What makes you gay or lesbian or bisexual or whatever is what you find yourself emotionally and/or sexually attracted to. It's something you have to figure out for yourself. No one else can tell you that you're gay or bi or not. There's no checklist of things you have to do or be or feel in order to be gay or bisexual... or even straight, for that matter.
Here's how we tend to look at it at Scarleteen:
Gay or Lesbian -- means that you are predominantly romantically and/or sexually attracted to people of your own sex.
Bisexual -- means that you are able to be sexually/romantically attracted to people of your own sex as well as people of another sex. It doesn't necessarily have to be a 50/50 thing. Some bisexuals are attracted somewhat more to one sex than another, but still feel that the same-sex attraction is pretty significant in their lives.
Heterosexual -- predominantly sexually/romantically attracted to people not of your own sex.
Notice that I say *predominantly* here. Many straight people are at least somewhat attracted, on an occasional basis, to someone of their own sex; many gay/lesbian people are at least somewhat attracted on an occasional basis to someone not of their own sex. That's normal and okay.
Only you know where your attractions fall, who turns your head when you walk into a room full of people, what your fantasies are about. And that is as it should be. Don't worry about it and don't be in any hurry to find a label... you are who you are, and that is fine.
I understand your desire to understand yourself, to know where you fit. Being in a state of flux can leave people feeling like they do not have a community to belong to. Just go with your feelings and don't worry about what they "make" you. The life-decision part can come later.
Trying not to sound like a Hallmark card, seriously, trust yourself, and trust your mind and heart (and all the rest of you, too) to lead you in the right direction.
Hanne. . .I'm shocked! Here I thought you were so cool and now I find out you can't stand my favorite musicians? Just kidding, you're still cool. To add to what Hanne said, I'm bisexual too and I am a total stereotypical "granola" lesbian. It's actually pretty funny. I seriously eat granola(and don't shave and practice witchcraft and vegetarianism and listen to folk music and dance in the rain). Haha, my friends tease me that I can't actually like guys because I make a perfect lesbian. Of course they're kidding, but guys usually assume that I'm a lesbian. It's pretty good jerk-screening. I don't have to deal with homophobic guys who only want me for sex, because they usually assume when they start talking to me that they are becoming friends with a lesbian. . .it works and it doesn't
Hey, what can I say? Different strokes for different folks. I like opera, P-Funk, Cole Porter, Prince, the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Beethoven, Bjork, Bach, Garbage, Gershwin, and Scott Joplin, among others. I imagine we can find some common ground somewhere in there! Just goes to show you that the music you like doesn't necessarily have much to do with your sexual identity.
MLE, you don't have to shout! Remove your fingers from the shift key, it makes it very hard to read your post. First of all I'll say that it doesn't matter if you're a tom boy or a sally girl or what toys you play with, it what' you like to play with. And I don't like the phrase, "Oh it's just a phase" or it's just adolescence. Because it's not. Adolescense is an age, this is a state of being. But why do you feel the need to HAVE to label yourself? I think that people can go through many stages of sexuality, some lasting as long as a decade, some as short as a year. So I'd say oh the person is whatever they want to be.
It's whatever you want to call yourself. Me, I consider myself "open" although if you want to get all technical I'm bi. I've never had a girlfriend, but I'm sure one day I will. I find myself sexually attracted to girls, but then I'm not attracted to everyone. Sometimes I lean towards the dyke side, sometimes I lean towards the straight side, depends on my mood (and I say dyke with affection, of course). Labels are what you call other people or what you call your self. If you feel the need to label yourself then feel free, but you don't have to.
One of my very best guy friends is a guy, he's 14, he loves to cook, he loves to act, he was on my dance team last year, he babysits a lot. But he's pretty damn straight. So what you like to do shouldn't have anything to do with your sexual preferance.
PS: so that's it, along with what everyone else said.
------------------ Dude, pass the zen margaritas...
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