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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » A Parent's Remark...

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Author Topic: A Parent's Remark...
Pixie69
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Hmm, I don't know if you know, but I'm "open-sexual" so I pop up on these boards every now and then. I just read the article that someone (I believe lemming) linked too and it popped up a memory. I remember when I was in seventh grade I told my parents about this guy, Ryan, who was bi at my school. And my mom said something like, "that's so silly. You guys are too young to decide that you're gay or bi" and I thought that was so wrong. I mulled over it for a little while and I thought to myself, why is it that we're never too young to decide we're straight, but we're too young to decide if we're bi or gay or lesbian? So what do ya'll think about it? Any comments your parents said that made no sense?

Brittany


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bettie
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That bugs me too Brittany. I am sure if you asked your mother when did she know she was heterosexual (if that is what she identifies with), I'd bet she would say a young age. Certainly not when she was an adult.

I think because of what is accepted in our society and what is not, we may feel confused. I know I was attracted to girls when I was in my preteens, but since I was also attracted to boys, and that was encouraged by all sorts of societal forces, I focused on that. So, it may look like I decided at an older age that I was bi. In truth, my feelings were the same, but my actions and labelled indentity were different.


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Heather
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Honestly, according to experience and basic research, we are ALL pretty much "open-sexual" for a long time.

In other words, I don't know WHO can say they are ANY orientation with absolute certainty for many, many years, including heterosexuals.

On the other hand, how we want to identify and what we SUSPECT we idnetify as and what our orientation is is something we're given clues to very early in life.

So, I suppose what I am saying is this: if anyone can know their orientation with certainty at a young age, it isn't a privledge limited to heterosexuals. What I earnestly suspect though is that it's simply something we never can be fully sure oif, but only base it on our feelings and experience as we go, which means that if we feel bisexual in juniour high and feel good about that identity, that's just peachy. It isn't like any of us have to sign an oath daying we'll be the same person at 50 we are at 15, thank goodness -- because it would rarely be so.


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playingbyheart
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_this is an approximate recount of the dialogue between my mother and I only hours ago-

It's funny that i just found this post today, because my mom was just bitching about how i was planning on going to the homecoming dance (next saturday) with my girlfriend. She continues to ask me if I'm still interested in guys at all (which i am, slightly) and then, when i tell her "yes" she goes on to say "but if you go to the dance with a girl than the guys will think you're gay and they'll never ask you out." and i say: "well, right now i have a girlfriend so i wouldn't say yes even if they did ask me out- i'm monogomous and loyal to my gf." She says "but are you SURE you might still go out with a guy?" I say "Mom, i've told you a zillion times, I don't judge people based on their genitals-" mom says "why do you always have to be different- it's just going to cause more problems-- i think you like being called names, you like the attention." I say: "NO mom, i don't LIKE being called names and I'm not going to change my heart for you and I'm not doing this or NOT not doing this for anyone else but me. She says "Always making things difficult.- what about when we go to the bahamas, are you going to dance with girls there too?" - i say: "well- i'm going away to college in less than a year so i doubt we'll go away together again." she says "but the world isn't accepting- maybe art school in new york or san fran will be- but life leads you many different places" - i say "yea, but i'm not the only one, there are lesbians/bi's and gays everywhere." She says: "some people just seem gay, ed (My ex-boyfriend) always seemed it..." I say: "MOM, that's cuz with guys it's slightly more obvious if they are the steryotypical gay male who is really involved in the arts at a young age, but there are many others that aren't like that too- and with girls, it's even harder to tell-- i mean, guys play with g i joes at a young age and girls play with barbies. Parents might get concerned that their [male] child is gay if he plays with barbies. Well I played with my barbies- and enjoyed to dress them but also enjoyed to leave them unclothed. Is that odd? Did that make me gay? Was it a sign? If i played with g i joes and was a tomboy, would you believe that i'm bi?-- yes i'm femme, yes i like to wear dresses and lipstick - but so what? I like Jess because she's jess- not for any other reason." She says: "but you're 16 now, it's too early to be with a girl- wait till you're 25, I made the mistake at 17 to meet the man i was going to marry and stay with him-" I say: MOM I'M NOT CLOSING OFF DOORS. THAT'S THE WHOLE FREAKING POINT! DON'T YOU GET IT? I'M OPEN TO ANYTHING- ANYBODY! Right now, yes, i'm with jess- but so what? We have a connection. I enjoy being with her. So what??? What's the point of life anyway? Is it just to have children so human life will continue to blossom on this earth? Is that the ONLY reason that i'm here? Or is it to find happiness? Internal and external happiness. Jess makes me happy, mom. Right now, I'm happy with her." She goes on to comment about my need to be difficult again. The conversation ends. Nobody ever wins.

[This message has been edited by playingbyheart (edited September 11, 2000).]


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Hillary
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THAT is not fair. I'm sorry that your mom was saying that kind of stuff to you...
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LunchBoxSkank
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i've always had feelings towards both sexes, i used to have this 'crush' on this older girl in elementary school, though at the time i didnt recognize those feelings as a crush, i just knew i really liked her. i didnt have any notion thats what the feelings were, but in retrospect, i understand that. I really realized what my feelings were & that they were the same as how i felt about boys when i was around 7th grade, i didnt really start experimenting with girls until i was in 9th. I didnt officially come out to my parents until last yr (16 yr old Junior). The thing is, i think it's kind of silly to come out at such a young age just because to decide which specific sexuality you are is a huge step. Sexual preference sometimes changes over time. I'm much more attracted to girls right now, but it might change. I think it's good to experiment, but to actually decide, i think the placebo effect has a lot to do with sexual preference & if you 'decide' your gay, you might be that way just to 'be true to yourself' & sometimes people get mad when they dont live up to how they percieve themselves.

------------------


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badly_behaved_badger
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I think some of my family is quite homophobic. My parents don't talk about being gay at all, but my cousins parents openly encourage them to make homophobic comments. Going off the subject a bit, I am surprised at how the church treats homosexuality. I honestly don't care whether a person is straight, gay or bi - it's only a small part of what makes a person. I can't say what my orientation will turn out to be - but at the moment I am more attracted to boys than girls. *lotsa hugs from da bajjah*
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UserFriendly001
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my mom is so cute... she tries to be open to all my "non-straight" friends, but sometimes she just cant help but tell me how she REALLY feels.

Yes, one of her most common arguments is that me and my friends are "too young" to make a desicion about being gay or bi.

She's also said things like "People who are bi should have straight relationships. Gay people can't help it; bisexuals can choose!"


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